Collateral Damage

BOSTON - At least nine electronic devices, planted at bridges and other parts of Boston as part of a marketing campaign for a late-night cartoon, threw a scare into the city Wednesday.

I believe we will name these awards The Judies, in honor of Judith Regan.

UPDATE: The ever-watchful authorities have nabbed a perp in this one. Generally I would include the word alleged but the gentleman’s website does a really good job of documenting the placement of weapons of mass distraction. (PS: my actual news coverage of the “event” can be read here.)

Started by the Mad genius, Don Martin.

This beats National Talk Like a Pirate Day all to heck.

Oook. Oook.

Nina D. sent me the following:

So, I’m reading Stuart Elliott’s advertising newsletter from Jan 29 and notice this sentence:

“A brief article about the commercial in Brandweek used the z-word, too, carrying the headline “Zombie Popcorn.”

And I think, ‘That had to have been Constantine.’

Sure enough:

Although the digital Redenbacher “actually seems less wooden than the real Orville was,” wrote the reporter, Constantine Von Hoffman, “if he has been resurrected to redeem his brand, this is not the ad that will lead it to salvation.”

I’ve already signed up.

President Bush took aim Wednesday at lavish salaries and bonuses for corporate executives, standing on Wall Street to issue a sharp warning for corporate boards to “step up to their responsibilities” and tie compensation packages to performance.

If this applied to government jobs he might be extra glad that they’re about to increase the minimum wage.

I was not aware of how much I needed the answer to this question until I saw this truly excellent video by the Charlotte Observer’s Jeff Elder. I suspect the test is a little rigged via lower-than-regulation-height basketball hoops. Either that or Mr. Felder is much more athletic than he looks. However it is worth it to see this cross of jete and jam.

1. It’s Calvin Trillin.
   
2. Wrote the first (only?) novel about parking.
3. With a video version that’s pretty good, too.

Speaking of my favorite funny writers: Got to hear P.J. O’Rourke on NPR’s horribly named “On Point” snoozefest today. O’Rourke has gone to great and funny lengths over the years to hide his intelligence under a cover of humor, so it was truly fun to hear him not trying to be funny but just being smart. He has written a book about Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations which has a tag line that’s something like “P.J. reads Adam Smith so you don’t have to.” Works for me.

Is that a Big Apple in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Someone really doesn’t like Travelocity.

SYDNEY, Jan 25 (Reuters Life!) - It’s being called the “Gnomesville Massacre” and emergency workers in Western Australia are offering a reward for the capture of vandals who smashed their way through a local tourist attraction.

Honorable mention to N.J. Warns: Don’t eat squirrel near dump.

Any other day, that one’s the winner.

DEVELOPING: Seems this is quite the day for animal headlines.

Nina sent in this one — Never give an iguana viagra. Even if it doesn’t get the headline of the day honors, it certainly get the lede of the day:

ANTWERP, Belgium (Reuters) - Mozart, an iguana with an erection that has lasted for over a week, will have his penis amputated in the next couple of days.

Mad props to the NYT who — without benefit of priapic herptiles, radioactive rodents or smashed statuary — came up with this one: Of Gay Sheep, Modern Science and Bad Publicity.

Don’t forget that it’s an honor just to be nominated…

“I don’t think she would make a good leader.” Bad leadership is, after all, his area of expertise.

That should be the lead clip in her campaign ads.

A sure sign that Washington state has solved all of its real problems: Sen. Ken Jacobsen (a Democrat, like you couldn’t have guessed) has introduced a bill to allow bars and restaurants with liquor licenses to welcome dogs — er, Canine-Americans — as long as they accompany their owners and remain leashed.

As someone who spent at least one evening in the company of a very charming golden retriever who actually drooled less than I did by closing time, I still think this is an incredibly stupid piece of legislation.

“Problem drinkers may know how to have a laugh but they often do not know how to take a joke or understand a punchline, researchers in Germany found.“

And now a sample joke from the study:

It was Mother’s Day. Anna and her brother had told their mother to stay in bed that morning. She read her book and looked forward to breakfast. After a long wait she finally went downstairs. Anna and her brother were both eating at the table.

The test subjects were then asked to pick the punchline from one of the following:

a) Anna said: “Hi mom, we didn’t expect you to be awake so early.”

b) Anna picked up an egg and smashed it on her brothers head.

c) Her brother said: “We have a new teacher at our school.”

d) Anna said: “It’s a surprise for Mother’s Day. We cooked our own breakfast.”

 ”The researchers found a marked difference between the two groups with less than 68 percent of the alcoholics able to pick the right punchline, d, versus 92 percent in the healthy control group.”

That means that there were people who, without the benefit of booze, found ANY of these answers funny.

For reasons of what I must assume be political correctness, the press did not include another answer, which is a sure fire laugh generator at all the Komedy Klubs in Kologne: “Seize the Sudetenland!”

Why do I think Kerry was the only person to whom this was news?

“Buzz Donuts™ and Buzzed Bagels™ are the brainchild of Dr. Robert Bohannon, a molecular scientist living in Durham, NC. Dr. Bohannon has developed a way to mask the normal bitterness of caffeine so that it can be used in food and pastry products such as bagels and donuts.”

Homer is right! There isn’t anything donuts can’t do.

 When you care enough to send the very least.

WOODSIDE, N.Y., Jan. 23 /PRNewswire/ — Forty-five New York White Castle restaurants will offer reserved candlelight dining on Wednesday, February 14 from 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. If you Crave the steam grilled goodness of White Castle then you’ve found the perfect dinner destination to share with your favorite Valentine. Not only can Cravers dine with candlelight, the tables will be adorned with flowers and decorations. Customers will be presented with a special menu and will receive table side service.

If you don’t live in New York have no fear: The service is being offered at White Castles in many areas around the nation.