Collateral Damage

So first we had China trying to kill off our pets with melamine, then they poisoned our toothpaste with anti-freeze (and ooops yeah it was a lot more widespread than we thought), put lead in the paint on toys, made defective tires, and screwed up on food from the sea and elsewhere.

I think I’ve figured out the Chinese plan for world domination. It’s not efficient but it is subtle.

I’m particularly incensed about this story BECAUSE I HAD IT. Long about when the toothpaste story first making noise (and no one paid any attention at the time) I started bugging my editors at Brandweek about it. I wanted to do a story about how much of a problem this could be for marketers. What are companies doing to protect their product and what do marketers do when “made in china” becomes a pejorative regardless of the quality of the product? They passed on it. So did one other place. SIGH. I’ll keep trying, but it’s getting old fast.

Sometimes a story comes by and you know how it’s going to unfold and you can’t get anyone to listen. In the news business it’s said that three things make a trend. The trick is to see it when there are only two.

If you want to read a story I wrote about the difficulties of doing business in China go here.

Tom Chandler of Trout Underground & Copywriter Underground fame has tagged me as one of the “Five Blogs That Make Him Think.” I am flattered both by the honor and by the fact that he bestowed it despite what that might mean for his professional reputation. Also, as a result, there are discussions with a certain company regarding a J-O-B. So Mr. C., I owe you one big fat juicy fly to help you lure trout to their deserved fate.

Seems we’ve got a meme here.

Here are the rules:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to the Maven’s post which says such nice things about you so that people can follow the meme’s trail.
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn’t fit your blog).

So I’ll add my list. This is in no particular order and I’m using the no-nepotism rule, so that leaves out BrokeHoedown. However if you want to read about how a wildly wonderfully subversive person views Disney, then go there now. I don’t see anyone else writing about Disney security and racial profiling.

• ChurchMarketingSucks: I do not subscribe to a particular creed, although I am definitely a deep believer in The Big Kahuna (Kahunette?) and will mention it in polite company. As a result I am aware of the difficulties of talking to people about faith without coming across like an idiot or a proselytizer. That’s what this blog focuses on. It has everything from basic tips on marketing your church to thoughts about what it means to do marketing when you work for Brand G. All done in a helpful, inclusive and humble manner.
• Murketing: Rob Walker, the person who writes the Consumed column in the NYT magazine, also writes this blog. He describes Consumed as “part business report, part cultural anthropology.” That’s a good description of Murketing as well. Although he tends to rely too much on facts instead of attitude like a certain blog you are reading right now, he makes me think.
• KitUp: This is a blog where servicemen and women make suggestions about what items you should take with you when going to play in the George W. Bush Dessert Classic. Recent topics include the use of Glad Press n Seal to keep sand out of keyboards, a DIY guide to refurbishing an M-14, and using a key-chain beeper to tell your green duffle bag from all the others. This is a blog that shows the day-to-day difficulties of being in the service and the ingenious ways people are overcoming them. It’s what I’d want SSG Big Brother Collateral Damage to read if he ever had to go back to the sandbox. I read it myself to get a very small clue about what the sandbox is like.
• YouThoughtWeWouldn’tNotice: This is the site where designers, graphic and otherwise, show how their work is being ripped off by larger companies. Thanks to this site I will never buy anything from Urban Outfitters again. Check this site out so that when you hire a designer because of something he/she has designed you know if you’re getting the right designer.
• EncylopediaHanasiana: Jim Hanas does something similar to CD (except, again, with too much emphasis on “facts”). He takes a good look at what’s going on underneath/behind a lot of events and, again, makes connections that no one else does.
• The Obscure Store: We’ll call this 5A. Very funny news stories. I’ve been a fan of his for years.

Must Read News Feeds: These aren’t really blogs but they make me think a lot, too.

• TreeHugger: This is where I go to get my below-the-radar environmental news.
• ClickZNews: Great source of info about technology & marketing. Stuff frequently shows up here before it shows up anywhere else. Also they make connections that a lot of other places don’t.
• DealBook: The NYT’s survey of what’s going on in the realm of mergers, acquisitions, etc. Must read.
• ConsumerAffairsNews: Aggressive reporting on behalf of the consumers, which is to say: All of us.
• BoardGameNews: What can I say? One of my passions.

Turns out Yahtzee can kill with more than just boredom.

A game of Yahtzee ended with a US man being stabbed to death. Mark Allen, 49, was playing the dice game with his neighbour, 47-year-old Edith Elliot at her home in Tampa, Florida, when they began to argue. Elliot’s partner joined in the row, which then turned physical, and police believe Allen stabbed the unnamed 49-year-old boyfriend.

Great, next thing you know they’ll outlaw Monopoly. Actually that’s probably a good idea…

A fun blog called Oranchak.com has all the details on this. It’s apparently a specialty of Lyon.

Is there any food that’s not improved by adding the words “on a stick”? Once a food has been sticked the only remaining improvement is “deep-fried in batter.” Well, a chef at Rustico’s in DC has gotten beer half-way there. He put a beer in the freezer to get it cold quickly and then forgot about it. The brew froze solid and he ended up eating his booze instead of drinking it. Now the place is sticking a stick in it and selling them. Reports are they are quite popular. You first.

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What with the recent demise of Mr. Soprano and America’s obsession with fictional mobsters, it is not surprising that someone has created a Mob-branded wine. What is surprising is that it is an anti-mafia branded wine.

Campo Libero, which means Free Field, is a lightly sparkling white wine made from Trebbiano grapes , and the brainchild of a teetotal charity worker. Dario Campagna, whose Il Gabbiano (”The Seagull”) association provides jobs for drug addicts and former prisoners, has taken advantage of an Italian law that allows property belonging to convicted gang bosses to be used for “social purposes”.

Campagna has taken to growing the grapes for the wine on land formerly owned by Francesco Schiavone, a boss in the Naples mafia.

“At the beginning, local farmers that we’d asked for advice kept missing appointments,” Mr Campagna explained. “But then we discovered that one of Schiavone’s relatives was living nearby and people were simply scared of having anything to do with us.”

Last year someone cut the wires holding up the vines causing Campagna’s group to lose half their crop.

The vines were replanted. And now 10,000 bottles of vino bianco are waiting to be drunk. “I don’t drink alcohol but those that have tasted Campo Libero say it’s a solid wine,” Mr Campagna said.

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Everyone knows that alcohol can lead to ill-fated romance, now a French vintner is hoping the interweb will remove the ill-fated part of the equation.

The ‘Soif de Coeur’ (A Thirst for Romance) bottles of rosé, red or white wine contain a unique code in their labels that you tap into the website in the hope of finding your perfect match.

Go to the site, type in your age, sex and the sex of the person you would like to meet and the site will link you up with someone who also bought a bottle of the wine and registered on-line. And there’s no risk that you will ever be asked to appear in one of those creepy eHarmony ads.

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Not only can you drink yourself into the gutter, now you can advertise there as well. Quoth the NYT: In the June 15 issue of Wine Spectator, Newton Vineyard purchased a series of ads on a narrow slice of the page that is known picturesquely as “the gutter” — the space, normally blank and white, between the binding and the first column of text. Maybe AA should consider it.

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Madonna may not have wanter her papa to preach but she doesn’t have any problem with his selling wine with her name on it. Tony Ciccone, recently decided to advance his winery business by releasing Madonna Wine, which is available in five varieties: Pinot Grigio, Pinot Noir, Gewurztraminer, Cabernet Franc and Chardonnay.  The label on each bottle features a colorful picture of Madonna, with whom he consulted beforehand to make sure his daughter approved of the idea. Those of you wondering what wine made in Michigan tastes like can go here to order some.

Were they tourists? Does Paddington know about this?

The Portuguese are very particular about who may or may not splash water on infants. An unidentified 34-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of impersonating a priest in a small town in northern Portugal.

“When the man said ‘in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit’ police came in and grabbed him,” said a member of the church.

Shouldn’t the “move-in” phrase have been “I renounce thee Satan“? Have the cops no sense of theater or irony?

*Carlin’s line was something like, “Off-duty cop arrests on-duty robber.”

“The iPhone has risen! One of the most anticipated products of 2007, the Apple iPhone - sometimes referred to by bloggers as the Jesus phone for its “savior status” - will hit store shelves on June 29th.”

Sorry, I don’t mix religion and phone service. Except when I pray that it works.

‘Sry boss, this goblin LV 5 just attacked me, I’ll be a bit late’ crazy87654321 said on his way to the business meeting.

Over at TheWhatchamacallit CollateralDamageJr. out funnies his dad. I am sooooo proud.

The Beijing Administration for Industry and Commerce has denied a request from The Beijing Lunar Village Aeronautics Science and Technology Co. to sell “special air from a special place.” The company, which was last seen trying to sell real estate on the moon, wanted to sell green plastic bags full of air from stadiums that hosted matches in the 2006 World Cup in Germany. The planned price: 50 yuan ($6.60) each.

Foolish Chinese.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Two college students believed to be over-exuberant fans of “The Simpsons” stole a life-sized figurine of Homer Simpson from a cinema, but police tracked them down and forced them to return it Thursday.

Mmmmm, felony…

For other Simpsons Movie related news go here.

“Forgive me Father, for I have exceeded the speed limit.”

Apparently the Vatican has determined that cars are here to stay. Today the World’s Smallest Nation issued a

36-page document called “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road” contains 10 Commandments covering everything from road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping a car in good shape and avoiding rude gestures while behind the wheel.

OK, so I thought this was all covered under “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” and “Have no gods but God,” but what do I know? Unfortunately, this will now serve as a benchmark for Boston drivers (myself included). People will be saying, “I went 7 for 10 today!”

The Vatican’s recognition of the existence of cars a mere century+ after they were invented is a bit of a land-speed record for the Catholic Church. After all, this is the same institution that took four centuries to forgive Gallileo for being right about the Earth moving around the sun. Perhaps one of the reasons that the Vatican acted so quickly was its because of over-crowding. With 1000 cars, the city has a nearly 1:1 ratio of cars per person.

The world’s most hidden Mickey has been found in Uppåkra in southern Sweden. Archaeologists there found an iron age version of Walt’s favorite rodent. The 1200-year-old item is believed to have been a woman’s brooch. Why am I not surprised that Mrs. Collateral Damage has Swedish blood in her? I am looking forward to the discovery of prehistoric Hello Kitty.

I always thought Marcel Duchamp would have the last word when it came to doing something new with pissoirs. Shows you what I know.

The loo has already been the target — literally — of marketers.

First there is Wizmark “the interactive urinal communicator”:

a one-of-a-kind, fully functional interactive device, Wizmark can talk, sing, or flash a string of lights around a promotional message when greeting a “visitor”. The large anti-glare, waterproof viewing screen is strategically located just above the drain to ensure guaranteed viewing without interruptions. Using the elements of surprise and humour in a truly unique location will allow Wizmark, in combination with your ad, to make a lasting impression on every male that sees it. The promotions fixed location within the urinal screen will assure multiple and regular exposure patterns of your ad to your targeted consumer.

Then there’s the HAUB (Heat Activated Urinal Billboards) which have

taken heat sensitive ink technology to a new level. This innovative medium combines high definition color graphics, hidden by “disappearing ink” delivering an interactive message to a captive audience…

But wait … that’s not all:

Odorite is putting green amidst all that yellow with their new “environmentally safe” urinal cakes. Turns out the damn things are made with something called Paradichlorobenzene which causes cancer and have been banned by California “and many international countries,” according to the Odorite website. Now their new “Para-Free” Urinal Cakes not only don’t cause cancer but “last 30 days against 2000 direct hits and 2000 flushes while exuding a fragrant bouquet.” Best quote: “Odorite also learned that boys and men pride themselves on hitting targets. Because this cake can withstand direct hits without the typical urinal cake plastic screen, the new environmentally-friendly cakes provide a perfect bull’s-eye target for boys and men.“

But lest you think all this is just a little too sexist, there’s innovation for women. too. Send a text message to www.mizpee.com and, if you’re in the San Francisco area, you’ll find the nearest restroom.

At the site, enter a nearby address or street intersection, and watch MizPee pull up a list of some of the cleanest public restrooms in your area. Each location can be sorted by distance, cleanliness, handicap accessibility, and cost or purchase requirement.

And that’s your bathroom humor for the day.

There’s nothing like getting laid off to really build your self-esteem. Trust me, I know. Recently even, like for the second time in three years. Yep. At the end of the month I will be a former Sr. Reporter for Brandweek. (”He’s not dead. He’s pinin’ for the fjords.”) Budget cuts came down from on high and I went down with them. It’s the nature of the biz. So if you or someone you know has need of a smart & sometimes funny writer/editor/reporter/analyst/blogger/nice guy, send ‘em my way. If you’re curious about my professional background, check out my web site, www.areporter.com.

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