Collateral Damage

Must be an interesting moment for the cultists. What happens if they die before doomsday?

Tom Lehrer: “I feel like a Christian Scientist with appendicitis.”

UPDATE: “Doomsday cult calls credit cards satanic” Y’know, they’re not as crazy as I thought they were.

I haven’t been this pleased to discover a new holiday since I stumbled on National Gorilla Suit Day (which, sadly, this year I failed to observe).

Deep in the dark, deep, dank mists of time, the Cheese Weasel emerged, but he didn’t really do much until the early 90s, since the other celebratory animals called dibs on the the splashier holidays. Eventually, the Weasel realized that this was all to the good, as he felt his calling. Now, he travels the world, leaving a bit of cheese under keyboards on the 3rd day of the 4th month. Kraft Singles are the Cheese Weasel’s cheese of choice, but he has been known to branch out into cheddar, and sometimes a nice Gruyere.

What about Wensleydale, chuck? BTW, check out the site for the theme song as well. It’s full of weaselly cheesy goodness.

(Periodically — and almost always under the instigation of Mrs. Collateral Damage — I take some time off from being a grumpy old guy who only listens to music by other grumpy old guys and do something different. Last night that something was my 2nd Peelander Z concert at Cambridge’s legendary rock club, The Middle East. Thus the following review.)

Any review of a Peelander Z show has to start with the following sentence: What the heck was that?

It’s pretty much impossible to describe what it is exactly that Peelander Z is or does, but I will try.

Peelander Z consists of three men — Peelander Yellow, Peelander Blue & Peelander Red — who play guitar, bass and drums, respectively. They dress in costumes that might be called Mighty Morphin Power Rangers meet The Village People meet Parliament Funkadelic (more about the P-Funk connection in a moment). They are all from Japan but met in NYC. They are augmented by Peelander Green and Peelander Pink. Green plays guitar and drums and dances. Pink runs the lights and sells t-shirts and is in other ways an integral part of the performance. What do they all do … hmmm … they perform songs, kind of. Last night’s show was an hour long and Mrs. CD and I aren’t sure if their were 3 or 4 songs performed. That said, they are NOT a jam band. One song’s lyrics consisted of “What A Health” and Super health.” Another — and one of my favorites: “Mad tiger” and “wild tiger.” The third was “Steak!” and “medium rare!” All the performers are very, very good musicians. They are also all funny and happy and charismatic in a way that is spiritually akin to Japanese bands Shonen Knife and Petty Booka. Peelander Z has an incredible wildness that The Knife and Booka do not.

What does Peelander do? They incite a group performance of happiness. The ring-leader is Peelander Yellow, who is not by any standard definition handsome or particularly young. He looks like the comic-relief monk from any number of samurai movies — complete with missing tooth and mostly bald head. They start playing and then … then it all gets difficult to describe. The surf the crowd, they give out drum sticks and metal things to bang on, they have much of the crowd join them onstage and play — the people who play do NOT know how to play. Peelander Yellow rides a Big Wheel and acts as a bowling ball vs. a set of plastic bowling pins. I really can’t describe it beyond that.

A Peelander Z show is like the big finale at a fireworks show where you are the fireworks. It is hugely happy. The mosh pit was happy (and though I did not participate in this one let it be made clear that I have moshed in my time — and enjoyed it hugely). I have never been to any other rock show that has left me with such an overwhelming sense of giddy joy. No other performer has even ever come close.

The only act I can really liken them to is P-Funk. In last year’s show, the P-Funk connection seemed much more pronounced. It was clear that this was a band that had taken the concepts and ideas of George Clinton’s zany, brilliant funk to heart and applied them to rock and roll. Last night’s show the debt was still there but you could see they are evolving in to more of their own strange thing. (Of course, P-Funk itself was the spiritual heirs to Sun Ra.)

When I’ve seen them Peelander has had excellent opening acts. Last year it was Gelatine, another NYC-based band of incredible musicians who are native Japanese — that are as disturbing and dark as Peelander is joyous.

Last night, the openers were the very good rock trio The Asthmatics. They are a more standard rock act than the Z — with actual recognizable songs. What they really have in common is a screwball sense of humor. Also on the bill was Powerglove, a band that specializes in heavy metal covers of music from video games. I particularly enjoyed “Tetris” and “Mario” — probably because they were the only songs from games I had played. Powerglove dresses in outfits inspired by various games. Oddly, the lead guitarist looks exactly like Steve Wozniak.

1: I can hold my breath for six months. It’s not that hard, really. I just inhaled when my brother shipped out and exhaled again when he returned for R&R. I did it again when he went back until he returned from his tour. This is a convenient literary description of what it felt like – but in my memory it is the literal truth. I know people who’ve done it for 15 months, several times.

2: How to listen to the news. A mental flow chart I followed whenever I encountered any reports about Iraq. An answer of “that’s not my brother” at any step allowed me to return to my daily life.

• Has somebody died?
• Iraqi or American?
• Civilian or military?
• Was it someone in the Army?
• What part of the country?
• Is this near Fallujah?
• Is it my brother?

When I reached that final question, I felt relieved and then horrible. I knew my reprieve was someone else’s loss.

3: What to send. Batteries. Hot sauce – MRE’s are bland. Hard candy. Chewing tobacco – it’s a form of currency. DVDs. Baby wipes – help people clean off when they’re in the field. My son sent some of his toys and stuffed animals to give to Iraqi kids.

4: What not to send. Don’t send chocolate. It will likely melt during shipping because of the temperatures in Iraq. There have been many reports that the military is trying to develop a chocolate with a higher melting point. . Officially you’re not supposed to ship porn, alcohol, and/or anything with pork in it. While there are serious doubts as to whether or not anyone actually checks for these things, people at home disguise them anyway. A friend of my brother’s got some mouthwash in a box from home, screwed the top off and took a swig out of it. He spit it out and said in total surprise, “It’s mouthwash!”

5: Nothing bigger than a shoe box. That’s the optimum size for shipping. Anything bigger than that will take forever to get there. For some reason speed of delivery mattered even when he was going to be there for a year.

6: The USPS is very helpful. When shipping overseas you have to fill out one of two different customs forms depending on the weight of the package. I was always filling out the wrong one. No matter how long the line behind me, when the clerk saw the address on the package he or she invariably said some kind and didn’t mind waiting while I filled out the right one.

7: People are very kind. You send things because there’s nothing else you can do. I asked other people to send things, too. And they did. Lots of things: packages and dozens of birthday and Christmas cards and prayers. Always prayers. You send those, too, because there’s nothing else you can do.

8: I don’t care what you think about the war. Before you tell me that, tell me if you’ve had someone over there. If you know what that constant dread is like or what it’s like to be terrified when the phone rings late at night, then I’ll listen to what you have to say. I’ve disagreed with people who’ve been through this, but I’ve never argued. We have too much in common. It’s irrational, but I think we are the only people who should get to discuss the topic. Anyone else – even the ones who agree with me – I tend to view as a clueless fool.

9: Many people have it worse. And it’s not just the families that have had someone killed or injured. He is my brother but he is Stacy’s husband and my parent’s child. The times they were awake at 3 AM were much darker than the times I was.

10: I am a hypocrite. If truth is the first casualty of war, then the first truth to die is the fact that your opponent is human, too. I passionately believe that all human lives are equal. For the entire year my brother was over there I didn’t care how many Iraqis died or what else happened to them. Now that he is back, I am compassionate again.

Clinton says she would have left Obama’s church.

To which he should respond, “… and I would have left your husband.”

Won’t the octopi get hurt?

TOKYO (AFP) - Animal rights activists on Tuesday urged Japanese baseball stadiums to give up their usual fare of hot dogs and fried octopus balls and go vegetarian to fight global warming. Japan’s baseball commissioners announced as the season opened last week that the national pastime would take action to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, in particular by speeding up games. But People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) said it would be more effective for concession stands to serve exclusively vegetarian fare.

When will PETA start speaking up on behalf of the endangered Tofu?

I would like to commend the Japanese baseball league for making game lengths an environmental issue. I hope MLB follows suit. Anything to speed the games up.

9:29 AM — Manny puts Sox ahead 6-4 in the 10th. They should play more games with a 13 hour time difference. I like watching baseball over breakfast.

And speaking of Japan & cephalapods: Got to watch the Japanese movie Calamari Wrestler last weekend. BRILLIANT! Plot: A dying pro-wrestler is cured by monks. Only drawback: cure turns him into a squid. He resumes his life as a pro-wrestler. Also resumes his relationship with his girlfriend. There are so many hysterical scenes it is hard to pick a favorite but I especially loved the one where the happy couple are skipping down the street hand-in-tentacle. It has special effects on a par with early Dr. Who and a truly wonderful campy humor. The Times quote on the box sums it up perfectly: “A cross between The Muppets and Godzilla.” Which is also a great idea for the next Muppets movie.

Bear Stearns workers have put a range of mementos up for sale online at eBay in recent days following the rapid demise of one of America’s largest investment banks which fell victim to a credit crunch sweeping the financial markets.

“Be the first to get your paws on classic Bear Stearns memorabilia,” touts the description for one of several stuffed toy bears on sale at a bargain 5.50 dollars.

“Do not delay — bail a Bear out today!” the ad urges, adding that the first bear purchased comes with a free New York skyscraper worth around one billion dollars, depending on availability.

I for one would gladly pay $15 for one actual share of BS. I would like to frame it. BTW, the BS hard hat — to protect yourself from falling share prices, I guess — was up to $105 four hours before the auction ended. Maybe that’s how they should sell the entire company.

Annette asks this key question in response to my post People for the Ethical Treatment of Candy Animals.

I noticed many of the easter chocolate (crosses! In chocolate!!!) have a kosher seal on them. Why?????????

Judging from her entertaining blog Fun With Play Dough, Ms. van de Kamp-Wright is Jewish and totally perplexed by this and other issues around Easter.

But Easter? How do Christians explain to their children about somebody who was murdered by being nailed to a cross, was buried in a cave, and came back as if he was the villain in a horror movie who just won’t die?

While I do not disagree with Ms. van de Kamp-Wright’s characterization of the holiday (indeed I thought the line about the horror movie villain was both insulting to Christians and hysterically funny), I do not agree with it either. I must say that I have yet to encounter any religion whose ideas and holidays are in any way, shape or form rational. Mormons? Christian Scientists? Zoroastrians? They worship a bowl of fire instead of somebody who was murdered by being nailed to a cross, was buried in a cave, and came back as if he was the villain in a horror movie who just won’t die? How odd.

Is this story really any more or less difficult to explain then God sending an angel to kill all the first born of Egypt? “Oh honey, G-d who has promised to send a messiah, decided to execute thousands of children just to give Moses a chance to get lost in the desert for four decades.”

Turning water into wine is neither more or less absurd than the Almighty communicating via a shrubbery that is set on fire. My own faith is neither Christian nor Jewish but essentially Deist. Although I am a sect of one, my beliefs are deeply heart-felt and I practice them (pardoned the phrase) religiously. Undoubtedly I have practices and tenets that others would think certifiably loony. That is, after all, the nature of faith. If it were based on reason, we wouldn’t be called believers. People who worship in glass churches/temples/groves, etc. should not throw stones.

None of which answers Annette’s wonderful question.

As a fan of the Nickelodeon series Avatar: The Last Airbender I am perplexed why the network is ignoring the best marketing opportunities for it. The show is an American anime that takes many of the familiar themes of the genre — magical children, the struggle against an evil empire, etc. — and used them to tell a story that is emotionally satisfying, intelligent and fun. It doesn’t hurt that it happily borrows ideas from some of the all-time great anime. For example, there is the air bison Appa (left) a homage to the cat bus (below right) in Miyazake’s My Neighbor Totoro. It is a show that Collateral Damage Jr. and I watch together happily.

From what I’ve seen Nick has marketed this in the exact same manner it has marketed other successful animated shows like Bob L’ePonge and The Fairly Oddparents. They have done licensing to major toy makers and the fast fooders. There are also the t-shirts, hats, backpacks and other standard items. Given this and the fact that the show is about to enter its fourth season, some may wonder why I am saying Nick is missing it with the show’s marketing.

I just returned from my annual sojourn at Anime Boston — a three-day long fest of anime, manga, and anything vaguely related to that. The last semi-official attendance figure I heard was 14,000, so it’s no small thing. There were Avatar fans in abundance, as there have been at every anime convention I’ve been to since the show debuted in 2004. It is easy to tell who the fans are. They’re the people dressed as the series’ characters (even Appa) in costumes they made themselves. They are also the artists selling their own drawings of of the various characters (if Nick interferes with that then they are truly idiots). Each one of these people is an asset being ignored by Nick.

The age range for these conferences is generally high school to early 30s (I am an outlier, to put it mildly) — well past the 6-11 slot that Nick mostly aims at. The con features an enormous dealer’s section where people come to find tchotchkes of all sizes emblazoned with their favorite characters on them. Indeed, the dealers’ room is always a huge draw at these things. I spent a lot of time in it — as usual — I can report that all those dealers didn’t have so much as a single Avatar item for sale. In fact I have never seen an Avatar item for sale at any of these cons. A glance at the Nick online store makes it clear why.  Other than the Avatar t-shirts and plushies, there is nothing that any fan in this age group would buy. These are people who want to wear their brand identification — which rules out action figures and Lego sets.

My entirely anecdotal research suggests that Nick isn’t having much luck with selling these items to the 6-11ers. I always see a LOT of Avatar merchandise in the discount aisles at Toy R Us and other big boxers.

It seems to me that this is an example of Nick ignoring The Long Tail — selling less to more people — and blowing the opportunity to turn Avatar from a niche hit into a genuine phenomenon. As a result of its inability to market patches, stickers, keychains, clothing and accessories that might appeal to anyone over the age of 11, Nick is leaving a lot of money current and future money on the table.

Anime fans are trendspotters and trendsetters for the youth market. These are the folks who knew about Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Hello Kitty, Emily The Strange,  and a host of other brands long before they became mainstream sales phenomenons. While some of them (including CD Jr.,) are in the 6-11 age range, most are not. But they are enormous influencers on this market. That’s because they are the big brothers/sisters who define cool for the under 12-set.

Another thing Nick needs to know is that the anime community is very design conscious — so it’s not enough to simply slap the characters on to product. Find some good graphic artists — I’m sure the folks behind Avatar could point you in the right direction — and apply the same creativity that marks Avatar the show to its marketing. Some outreach/listening to the fans the show already has could make Avatar into a SpongeBob Squarepants type of earner for Nick. Failure to do this will make it nothing more that a slightly more successful Code Lyoko — the French anime franchise that Cartoon Network killed with its one-size-fits-all approach to marketing cartoons.

Stocks and commodities plummeted on Wednesday as the euphoria that carried equity markets to massive gains a day earlier gave way to nervousness that the broader U.S. economy hasn’t yet escaped the dangers of the credit crisis.

Has anyone else noted that we are no longer trying to avert a recession? Now the news stories all say that various actions are being taken in order to avert either a “deep” or “prolonged” recession. Expect to soon read about the steps being taken to end the recession without any formal announcement of its actually having begun. Of course, as M Horn likes to point out, the word recession has been redefined to a point of uselessness. Where it once meant “a decline in GDP for two or more consecutive quarters,” it now is a synonym for “the current mess.”

Whatever you choose to call it, the current mess is large and has quite a bit of room and reason to get worse. Mere economic facts are not enough to prevent the markets from spiking as it did yesterday. During these bounces facts are replaced by faith. Thus the believers know a cut in an interest rate, a not-so-terrible earnings report or the news that oil DECREASED to $104 is the leading indicator that all prayers will soon be answered. At times like these the thinking gets so magical that the Fed, or whomever, gets endowed with the power to make anything impossible come to pass. Thus for a few hours Mr. Bernanke was deemed capable of getting the Cubs to the World Series.

I have always been amused by the idea that the stock markets in some way reflect reality. The markets, like the monetary system itself, are a form of collective wishful thinking. Investors as a group convince themselves that a thing has a value and thus it does. Sometimes these values are connected to the actual needs and demands of the society: oil allows things to function, as does the Windows OS. However a high price is no guarantee of a thing’s pragmatic worth. Frequently a high price indicates only the desire to people to posses them. This explains why people have at different times in history paid exorbitantly for pieces of gold, tulip bulbs, the US dollar, and shares of Bear Stearns. These items’ only actual worth is if A) you want a metal that is both malleable and highly conductive; B) you are a horticulturalist; C) you have a fetish for wallet-sized rectangles of green paper; and D) … well, let me get back to you on that one.

It would be cynical to insist that a connection between a thing’s price and its usefulness is the exception and not the rule. But many people do act this way. Thus the “bigger fool” theory of investing, where the idea is to hope that you will be able to sell your investment to someone who is an even bigger fool than you yourself are. This point-of-view equates the markets with nothing more than a legalized Ponzi scheme. It is a POV that will sadly be gaining many adherents in the near term. There are some contrarians — I believe Mr. Buffet has made some slight amount by not following this course. I have no idea which is right. If I did I would have the funds to not be concerned about a current lack of employment.

Dead cat bounce: A temporary recovery from a prolonged decline or bear market, after which the market continues to fall. As in: “Even a dead cat will bounce if dropped from high enough.”

When I recently bought a new computer I got a Lenovo — causing me to be named Customer of The Year by the online CMO. I got the Lenovo in part because I love ThinkPads and in part because they made it very easy for me to get Windows XP. Below is a picture of a product that sums up the feelings of many of us. I suspect it may be a better TP than an OS.

Rendezvous with Rama and Childhood’s End are just flat out great novels. Got that? The short story “The Sentinel” that the movie 2001 was based on was better than the book 2001 that was based on the movie. Got that?

It is odd — as a friend noted just last weekend — how the great humanist Clarke will always be inextricably linked with Kubrick who seemed to value distance above all else. I like to think that it was the opposition of their temperaments that made 2001 such a great movie. Just as Terry Southern’s joi de vivre was Kubrick’s balance in Strangelove.

Clarke was credited with inventing the concept of communications satellites in 1945, decades before they became a reality. Geosynchronous orbits, which keep satellites in a fixed position relative to the ground, are called Clarke orbits. … an RAF memo he wrote in 1945 about the future of communications described the possibility of using satellites to revolutionize communications — an idea whose time had decidedly not come. Clarke later sent it to a publication called Wireless World, which almost rejected it as too far-fetched.

Some people reading this blog could come to the conclusion that I am a left-wing crybaby. Herewith I offer ironclad proof that I am a bipartisan crybaby.

Eleven years ago — long before his first run for national office — I wrote Sen. McCain a letter suggesting he run for president. For some reason that year I read quite a bit about McCain. There was a profile in the New Yorker and several other pieces in the erstwhile Liberal Media. I found that while I disagreed with him on some points and agreed with him on others, I was impressed by his ability to forgive others and to listen and learn. So I wrote him a note saying, look I may or may not vote for you but I really think it would be good for the country if you ran. Had I known what would happen to him in South Carolina in 2000, I would have told him to stay home.

His response:

To be included on this list the team name had to be unique, truly & honestly linked to the locality and/or just so weird and funny that I laughed out loud when I read it. A special salute to Terre Haute & Omaha — two towns that clearly have a sense of humor. Huzzah!

Minot ND Why-Nots
Walla Walla Walla Wallans
Holland MI Wooden Shoes
McAlester OK Sighs (What the hell was their mascot?)
Omaha: Omahogs & Omahosses
Cooleemee NC Cools
Kalamazoo Kazoos
Terre Haute: Tots, Terre-irs, Huts
Amarillo Dillas
Arkansas Travelers
Cap de la Madeleine Madcaps
Oakland Commuters
Freeport NC Comeons

Never mind the Yankees and the Red Sox, these are THE BEST BASEBALL RIVALRIES THAT EVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN AND ALMOST ALL NEVER WERE:

Temple TX Surgeons
Kirksville MO Osteopaths

Lebanon PA Pretzel Eaters
Freeport IL & Reading PA Pretzels

Ducks x3
Green Bay Duck Wallopers

Providence Clamdiggers
Norfolk VA Clams
Pawtucket Clam Eaters

Mason City IA Claydiggers
St. John (Canada) Clay Eaters
(Eating weird things seems to be something of a theme, there’s also the Fort Dodge IA Gypsumeaters and the Sterling IL Rag Chewers)

Cleveland Molly Maguires
Coal Barons x4

Hermosillo MX Orange Pickers
Beeville TX Orange Growers

Crisfield MO Crabbers
Gulfport Crabs

Battle Creek Custers
Fort Wayne Kekiongas (Kekionga was the capital of the Miami indian tribe that nearly destroyed the nascent US Army in 1791. But you knew that already, right?)

Kalamazoo Celery Champs, Celery Eaters & Celery Pickers
Sanford FL Celeryfeds

El Centro CA Imps
Youngstown OH Gremlins

Omaha Kidnappers
Mansfield OH Kids

Matoon IL Broom Corn Raisers
Charleston IL Broom Corn Cutters

Albuquerque Isotopes
Tri-City (Kennewick, Richland & Pasco WA) Atoms