Collateral Damage

Happy 75th to Miles Davis’ favorite singer. No lie.

Actually there’s no Willie Nelson that isn’t essential.

Is it a brand war or a cat fight? Islanders from the Greek island of Lesbos are suing the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece because its name “insults the identity” of the island.

“My sister can’t say she is a Lesbian,” said Dimitris Lambrou. “Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos.”

1. Never EVER get into a fight with a Lesbian.
2. You don’t get better branding than this. Open a Subaru dealership, put Martina on every tourist ad you can and buy your sister a house on Thassos.
3. You can’t win.

Apparently the hot idea in niche alcohol sales is to put your product into a package that looks like a weapon of personal destruction.

The tequila company Hijos de Villa offers both a sidearm and a long-gun.

There’s also a choice vodka in two different iconic machine guns: The Tommy or the AK-47. Or it you want to better target your vodka, there’s also a Sniper version.

Sadly you have far fewer choices if you don’t drink the hard stuff. Wine drinkers are all liberals, right? So the best you can do is a bottle opener for your Beaujolais. And beer drinkers don’t even get that. Yep, despite its claims to be the Silver Bullet — there’s nothing from Coors (or any other brewer I could find) that had any trace of verisimilitude on the topic.

Of course you can put whatever substance you want in one of these flasks. You have a choice of one that looks like a pistol or looks like it saved you from a pistol. (If we ever become really good friends I’ll tell you the story of why I drove a bayonet through a silver flask.)

And fear not if your taste for mood altering substances run to something less potable:

Hey, they originated the Potemkin Village, right?

Russia’s southern region of Ingushetia is trying to overcome its reputation for bombs, murders and shootouts by paying for a glossy supplement featuring strutting dancers and smiling mothers. The eight-page, full colour supplement entitled “My Favourite Republic” appeared inside copies of the popular Moscow newspaper Komsomolskaya Pravda on Tuesday. … “Ingushetia, it is an amazing, beautiful region,” the supplement said on its front page. “You could talk about it endlessly.”

Or you can believe what the US State Department says about Inqushetia and the rest of the Caucasus:

Throughout the region, local criminal gangs have kidnapped foreigners, including Americans, for ransom. U.S. citizens have disappeared in Chechnya and remain missing. Close contacts with the local population do not guarantee safety. There have been several kidnappings of foreigners and Russians working for media and non-governmental organizations in the region. Due to the ongoing security concerns, U.S. Government travel to the area is very limited. American citizens residing in these areas should depart immediately as the safety of Americans and other foreigners cannot be effectively guaranteed.

I went to ComeBackAlive.com, the website for Robert Young Pelton who writes The World’s Most Dangerous Places and was very disappointed to find only very dated material on Russia and its dangerous places. Tsk, Tsk, Robert. CLARIFICATION: Actually the site does have more recent info, it’s just that when I used the search function the first page and a half or so of results were all for the site’s DangerFinder archives. Once I did a search for Chechnya -DangerFinder, I got the new stuff. Now I’m just disappointed with the site’s search function, not its actual content.

According to the BBC: “An overweight prisoner in the United States is suing the authorities for not feeding him enough after he lost about seven stone (45kg) in jail.” Apparently on the other side of the looking glass stones and KGs are a type of weight. Who knew?

What will really make this diet take off: The prison says it gives prisoners at least 3000 calories a day in food! I predict Leavenworth will soon replace South Beach as the name in weight loss!

Sadly the truth is much more prosaic. Yes our plaintiff, Broderick Lloyd Laswell (awaiting trial for murder) did lose 99 pounds in a mere eight months while eating a reasonable amount of food. That is probably because for Mr. Laswell 3000 calories a day was a marked decrease in what he usually consumed. When he arrived at the jail Mr. L weighed 187kg. To those of you who, like me, this number means nothing, try this: that’s 411.4 pounds.

In his complaint Laswell writes that,

“On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out … About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again. … The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally being starved to death.”

Well, he was literally eating himself to death before…

Maybe the headline should read “Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me…”

The top prosecutor for the Iranian Republic says that Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter are all conspiring to subvert the youth of today.

Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabad said Iran was the world’s third biggest importer of toys and suggested this posed a threat to the “personality and identity” of the new generation. “The unrestrained entry of this sort of imported toys … will bring destructive cultural and social consequences in their wake,” he wrote. He added many toys were smuggled into Iran and accused importers of concentrating on profits at the expense of cultural values.

Man, this puts me in a bind. While I am certainly down with Bats, Spidey and Mr. Potter, I have always been troubled by Barbie. While the original (right) was a human shape and had a fairly sassy look in her eyes, later models became the absurd and subservient creature we all know today. However compared to more recent hyper-sexualized dolls like Bratz, she is positively demure and the personification of feminism. (Feminism (noun), a set of beliefs predicated on the notion that women are people too.)

Given that I guess I’m cool with Barbie doing a little subverting of one gender stereotype by displaying another one. It kind of reminds me of Slavenka Draculic’s wonderful book How We Survived Communism And Even Laughed. In it she writes about her feminist friends in the West would be shocked when Draculic, a Yugoslavian back when that meant something, would visit them and wear lipstick and frou-frou clothes. They saw this as acquiescing to a stereotype. For Draculic it was just the opposite. These things allowed her to assert her individuality while living in a nation that was trying to eliminate the individual. I suspect Ms. Draculic would (or does) approve of Barbie as revolutionary.

And, can I just say that if your belief system can be subverted by Barbie et al., then it really doesn’t have much of grasp on its audience.

I love the fact that this came from the Iran’s top prosecutor. How absurd is that? I mean can you imagine the US attorney general doing something similar? Like covering the breasts of a statue of blind justice because of its threat to the nations morals? Oh wait, never mind …

The war against replica bull balls is expanding.

Senators in the Sunshine State have followed the lead of Maryland and Virginia and “voted to ban the fake bull testicles that dangle from the trailer hitches of many trucks and cars throughout the state.“

Republican Sen. Cary Baker, a gun shop owner from Eustis, Florida, called the adornments offensive and proposed the ban. Motorists would be fined $60 for displaying the novelty items.

This is getting serious folks. Maybe we ought to consider an amendment to the constitution. I am tempted to put a trailer hitch on my 2000 Volvo S40 just so I can piss someone off. I do see them periodically up here on the wrong side of the Mason Dixon and I just think they’re funny.

I think the people at YourNutz.com and other vendors should really make a campaign contribution to Sen. Baker et al., as a way of saying thank you for the free PR.

As you know, we here at The Damage are hot on the latest developments in toast-shaped products. However, we also do our due diligence which is why we, unlike those actually paid bloggers at Gizmodo, knew that this Archie McPhee product was an April Fools joke. (In fairness it must be said this took some painstaking research: I clicked on a link.) Astute readers will note this is simply a photoshopped version of McPhee’s less-expensive and only slightly less-baffling inflatable toast pillow.

Well, that’s one way to read this headline: “Disney chases older boys with adventure toys, shows.”

Walt Disney Co. is turning up the speed and power to balance its tiaras and flowers, as boys who have grown beyond Mickey Mouse are seeking fun and adventure outside the entertainment studio’s kingdom. Disney, whose two strongest franchises until 2001 were the gender-neutral Winnie the Pooh and Mickey Mouse, has seen product sales skew toward girls since Disney Princesses, launched that year, has turned into a $4 billion phenomenon among 3- to 6-year-old wannabes.

In other words, after years of pretending that this market didn’t exist The Mouse has found that Pirates of The Caribbean is bringing in the boys. I say “pretending the market didn’t exist” because three years ago the head of their consumer products division explained their all-girl approach by saying no one had success connecting with older boys. It was such a preposterous statement from such an otherwise smart guy that I translated it to mean, “we haven’t come up with it yet.”

BTW, one question for the honchos at The Mouse: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUT OUT PINOCCHIO ON DVD??? It’s one of my all time faves and I can’t wait to terrify CollateralDamageJr with it.

In a recruitment effort, Microsoft is giving out decks of cards with the phrase “Hey Genius” emblazoned on their backs. The fronts are a standard deck of cards but each describes different MS products or initiative the putative genius could work on. Now where I come from you only say “Hey genius” when someone has truly, truly proved they are anything but. My favorite card, from an irony standpoint, are the jokers both of which tell people that they might be forced to work on Zune, the company’s not-yet-closed attempt to compete with the iPod.

Further proof of Redmond’s tin ear for irony can be found in the following:

MSN China has invited users of its messaging service to put a red love heart followed by ‘China’ in front of their names to support the Olympic Games.

I mean, they’ve got to be kidding, right? I certainly hope MSN users in the rest of world have the option of using that symbol of the red circle with the line through it.

How much do the official sponsors of the Munich Beijing Olympic games wish they could remove their names from being used on any ads outside of The Middle Kingdom. For once I am going to tune in to watch the coverage of the games, not the games themselves. It will be a fascinating moment to watch all these sports reporters have to cover the ongoing political insanity.

Speaking of which, here’s one story that hasn’t hit the press here in the West yet. Seems the China is doing a major effort to remove gays and lesbians from Beijing.

AIDS activists and gay rights supporters in China have sounded an alarm following one of the largest crackdowns on gays and lesbians in Beijing, evidently as part of a “clean-up” ahead of the Olympics.

The idea that Beijing is removing gays and lesbians and then having thousands of Olympic athletes come to town shows that the Chinese have a very … um … closeted view of what goes on in the Olympic village. It has also been reported that prostitutes are being “cleaned out” of Beijing, showing that the Chinese really don’t understand how to get on the media’s good side.

Well, I think you just might do it. That’s the entire business model (and it’s not a bad one) behind a company called Flogos. Their self-named product is essential a lighter-than-air gel that gets formed into a particular shape and then released into the wind.

The company says that the things can last an hour or so depending on wind conditions. Unfortunately they have maxed out at 48 inches in size right now (although they claim to have a six-footer in the works) so it’s a very, very small cloud. They also say they are working on making colors other than white.

My only problem with this venture — other than the fact that I didn’t think it up — is a disturbing idea that these may have been around since roughly October 27th, 312 AD. The video below shows a plausible explanation for the behavior of my namesake, the entirely too-cynical emperor Constantine I, prior to the Battle of the Milvian Bridge on October 28th, 312 AD.

It is commonly stated that on the evening of October 27, with the armies preparing for battle, Constantine had a vision which lead him to fight under the protection of the Christian God. The details of that vision, however, differ between the sources reporting it. It is believed that the sign of the cross appeared and Constantine heard “In this sign, you shall conquer” in Greek.

Now that’s branding.

The phrase “stunning lipstick” is now literally true. Women (and men who are very secure in their self-image) can now carry this wonderful little number that combines a flashlight and 350,000 volts of self-protection. OK, is it just me or is the possibility of a self-inflicted injury pretty impressive here? BTW, if stun guns aren’t your thing, you can also get knives and pepper spray in lipstick-shaped containers. (A more stylish selection of lipstick stun guns can be found here, if you think the ones at right are too plain to show to any potential muggers.)

If you don’t mind that it’s ugly as all get out, you can wear a ring/pepper spray combo. And if someone tells you they think it’s unattractive … well I know one way to win that argument.

The cell phone is another popular shape when it comes to disguising personal protection implements. Again, I have to wonder why Mr. Bad Guy would allow you to grab your cell phone, but if that’s what people are comfortable carrying then I am all in favor of it.

One of the best ways to make sure you don’t have to use gadgets like these is to make it obvious that you are carrying these items. In the past this has meant choosing function over form and strapping something in basic black to your side. Fortunately this is no longer the case. Now, you can combine whimsy and a true drop-dead attitude with this leopard-skin print Taser. Have to say I was a bit disappointed to see that the Taser holster is still only available in basic black.

However should that not be nearly cute enough for you (where’s Hello Kitty when you need her?), there is always the Don’t touch Me! Lovely Pink Seal Stun Gun Lovely Taser Weapon! Gotta warn you though, with only 195 volts of shocking power (I think) you’re giving up a lot for the cuteness factor.

But, as they say, that’s not all. There’s also a very cute pink camo pepper-spray holder. (Which I suppose you could also use to hold actual lipstick.)

“Oh dear! Mr. Collateral Damage,” you may ask, “what do I do if I am going to a more formal event?” Have no fear my dear, the invisible hand of the marketplace is there to help you keep someone else’s visible hands to himself AND look good with diamonds or pearls. The wonderfully named PepperFace sells all sorts of glam pepper spray dispensers adorned with actual authentic Swarovski crystals.

Stun guns and pepper-dispensers come in all sort of less, well, girly shapes as well. For dual functionality nothing can top the old stun gun and flashlight combo as far as I’m concerned. Although I’ve always preferred the basic MagLite with six D cells. It’s a flashlight AND a giant honkin’ piece of metal that you can whack someone with. No worrying about whether the little electronic doohickies made contact with that. However, I now know of something that would be more effective — the combination flashlight AND sharp pointy stick! This is called a “tactical flashlight” and the one that caught my eye promises, “Unlike ordinary tactical lights with crenellated bezel that can often inflict unnecessary harms to oneself, K2 features sharpened spikes around the bezel that protrude outward only when the spike protector is lowered. With the spikes protected when not needed, the fast turn threading allows the rapid retraction of the spike protector. These spikes are sharpened far more than those ordinary crenellated bezel light.“

The one drawback with this as far as I’m concerned is that it doesn’t come in a version big enough to house six D cell batteries. Nor does it come in pink. C’mon invisible hand of the marketplace, a need is going unmet!

My former employers at the Boston Herald somehow managed to read Andy Borowitz’s story about Dick Cheney challenging La Hillary to a shooting contest as a real story. Here’s the top of what Borowitz originally wrote:

Cheney Challenges Hillary to Hunting Contest
‘Meet Me in the Woods,’ Says Veep

One day after Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton professed an abiding affection for guns and hunting, her love of firearms came under attack from another sometime hunter in Washington.

Appearing on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Vice President Dick Cheney said that a hunting contest between him and the New York senator was “the only way” to determine whether Sen. Clinton’s tales of her gun prowess were for real.

The only thing that’s better than that is the correction the paper ran:

An article in today’s Herald regarding comments purportedly made by Vice President Dick Cheney was inaccurate and should have noted that it was based on a blogger’s satire and was not provided by the Associated Press.

The story about the non-story was broken by Boston Daily, the blog of another one of my sometime employers, Boston Magazine. (No matter what you might otherwise have been told, Boston is in fact a small town.)

“We were bamboozled,” Herald publisher Kevin Convey told Boston Daily. He explained that the item got picked up as straight news in Google, and was folded into unrelated wire reports from the AP, and appeared online and in the print edition.

“We failed to double-check the item against the Meet the Press website, which we should have done. We have changed our policies a bit to make sure this doesn’t happen again,” Convey added.

My sympathies, Kev, because you have to explain someone a mistake made by someone else but let’s make it clear: you weren’t bamboozled. That suggests malicious intent on the part of someone else. This one was self-inflicted.

BTW, Borowitz rightly makes a big deal of the fact that he is “Winner Of The First-Ever National Press Club Award For Humor” but I think this is an even better honor

The French parliament’s lower house adopted a groundbreaking bill Tuesday that would make it illegal for anyone — including fashion magazines, advertisers and Web sites — to publicly incite extreme thinness. … It would give judges the power to imprison and fine offenders up to $47,000 if found guilty of “inciting others to deprive themselves of food” to an “excessive” degree, said [Valery Boyer, a Conservative!!! lawmaker and author of the law].

• Let’s just hope that it makes more sense in the original French. But somehow, I doubt it.
• Who gets to decide what’s excessive? Jenny Craig?
• Can you incite mental illness? The law seems to posit that ads can cause or trigger or exacerbate anorexia. Can they do the same with alcoholism or obsessive-compulsive disorder? Where’s the line here? Anorexia is a very real problem and this is a very real PR move that won’t actually help the issue. “Her bill has mainly brought focus to pro-anorexic Web sites that give advice on how to eat an apple a day — and nothing else.“
• It seems that in France Conservative = Democrat.

Bounce® and Beyonce? Jay Z and Oral B®? 50 Cent and Febreze®? Snoop Dogg and Eukanuba®? Ghostface Killah and Ghost®? Lil Wayne & Pampers®? The synergies are … totally non-existent — but what else to make of the following:

Consumer products giant Procter & Gamble is getting into the hip-hop business by launching a record label with Island Def Jam Music Group.

Unfortunately the brand that has caused P&G to flirt with getting funky is not Mr. Clean or Swiffer or any of the other billion dollar babies. No, it’s Tag — a me-too brand whose raison d’etre is confusing consumers into not buying Unilever’s Axe. What is odd about this entire thing is it smacks of the sort of stunt marketing that’s the antithesis of Jim Stengel and company’s mantra of growth via solving consumers’ problems. Ah well, when you make as much money as they do you can afford to do some loopy things now and then.