Collateral Damage

Frustrated and humiliated Home Business owners who are sick and tired of chasing their tail, trying to find customers, getting hung up on, and being rejected in a desperate effort to earn a buck, are discovering a newer and easier way to market. Instead, using a revolutionary marketing system that combines psychology, technology, and the very latest changes in buyer behaviour, these entrepreneurs are now simply flipping a switch and collecting prospects, customers, and profits automatically.

Because nothing says use my service like a gratuitous insult of the less advantaged.

(And 2008 is already off to a great start!)

Quoth TechDirt:

Left Behind Games, makers of (somewhat controversial) religiously themed real-time strategy games … apparently isn’t happy that its video games were reviewed negatively across the blogworld. So, they did what any video game company would do: they improved their game. Oh… no, they didn’t. … They simply pulled out the lawyers and threatened to sue a bunch of bloggers for posting “false and misleading” content about the games. Of course, opinions can’t be either false or misleading, so they’ll have quite a case on their hands.

So guess what story/opinions are now being spread far and wide across the interweb? A text book case in how not to do this.

Allow me to take this opportunity to thank the legal system for protecting providers of false and/or misleading opinions … a/k/a me.

 (Cross-posted from my other blog: Business & Networking)

The following was actually not generated by one of those DIY Web 2.0 sites listed yesterday:

BAAGZ, from the French Web and enterprise search company Exalead , is a new search and collaboration system, still in beta, that applies Web 2.0 features to social networking. While the idea of using search topics and vetted results as nodes around which dynamic topical networks could form is interesting, the current early beta implementation gives just a hint of what may be possible.

There’s a site that trying to be a parody of MySpace & co. called FriendSpaceBook. The site invites you to make parody profiles of friends and/or celebrities. This suggests that the creators haven’t spent enough time reading actual profiles on these sites. I think a similar fate awaits The Facebook Book, a dead-tree attempt to satirize all of this that will be published by Harry Abrams just in time to be remaindered.

When the reality is already this silly all you have to do is report.

“The iPhone has risen! One of the most anticipated products of 2007, the Apple iPhone - sometimes referred to by bloggers as the Jesus phone for its “savior status” - will hit store shelves on June 29th.”

Sorry, I don’t mix religion and phone service. Except when I pray that it works.

With all the bad news about contaminated pet food, there’s actually some good news in the pet industry! Not only is going environmentally green a hot topic in real estate right now, but the 38-BILLION DOLLAR pet industry is also seeing a surge in companies going green too.

I LOVE THIS TRANSITION!!!: “Not only is going environmentally green a hot topic in real estate right now…” Has nothing to do with anything else in the release.

And it gets better…

We have some amazing companies we’d love for you to consider interviewing for a story on the trendsetting topic

Kathy Santos Training Aids
Martha Stewart and House Beautiful Magazine’s top pet expert, Kathy Santos, has just created the solution for stressed dogs everywhere. Santos has just released line of natural, organic, and environmentally safe products which prevent behavioral problems. Relieve De Stress helps pets deal with anxiety related (but not limited) to: traveling, separation, thunderstorms, grooming, vet visits, moving & owner’s mood swings. And, Don’t Chew Dare: “helps your dog help himself” with destructive chewing! A few drops in water, by mouth or in food, will ensure that your dog has a “drama free day”.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness … or was it animal stress? And what’s the environmental angle on this again?

Poop Pouch
It helps protect the environment and your nose! NEVER CARRY DOG POOP AGAIN! The POOP POUCH for the POOCH attaches directly onto your dog’s standard or retractable leash, and carries the dog poop for you! No more smell, mess or unsightliness with the POOP POUCH!

Yea, at my house we call it a plastic bag.

Eve Envy
Eye Envy safely removes unsightly tear stains from pets. Stains are removed (typically within one week). Product contains NO bleach, peroxide or steroids.

Removes unsightly tear stains from pets? Removes unsightly tear stains from pets? This is a real problem to someone?

GET SERiOUS!
Re-soiling has become the #1 reason pets are placed in shelters today and GET SERiOUS! Stain, Odor & Pheromone Extractor is the ONLY cleaner with the ability to lift out and forever remove the pheromone scent plus the associated stain and odor, so pets aren’t attracted back to the scene of the crime! Cleans in 3 minutes! It’s safe, non-toxic and biodegradable! www.getseriousproducts.com

Anyone know what re-soiling is?

Special thanks to the great folks at Orca Communications. Keep up the good work gang!

Apparently the LA police department thinks its officers can’t withstand the tempation to hit people with flashlights. The solution? Equip cops with a flashlight that won’t hurt as much when used as a blunt instrument.

“If you shine this into someone’s eyes, you will momentarily disorient them. But unlike the previous flashlight it cannot be used to inflict unintended damage or used to strike someone around the head,” Said LAPD chief William Bratton.

Despite the fact that the new light is 50% lighter than the old one and has a “rugged polymer casing,” Chief Bratton did NOT volunteer to be beaten with it.

More than 50 incidents involving Los Angeles police using flashlights as weapons have been reported since 2002.

Silly me, I would have thought better training and supervision would be the solution. Stupid civilian.

BTW, should you too want a flashlight which will be ineffective when used to beat someone around the head, the Pelican 7060 will go on sale to the public in June.

CNN is running a story listing four of 10 biggest marketing blunders of 2006 as compiled by “Kelly O’Keefe, an independent branding consultant and CEO of O’Keefe Brands.” (Apparently it takes Kelly three months to come up with a Top 10 list as the person/company always puts out the list in March.) The big problem is that two of the four listed — TBS Aqua Teen Hunger Force silliness and JetBlue — took place in 2007. Maybe they meant biggest marketing blunders for the fiscal year ending March 07?

In CNN’s defense they do say “last year and even early this year,” but it sure reads like a very late Top 10 of 2006.

Who is the first one to come running full speed ahead when you get home from work ˆ well if you are a blessed pet owner ˆ you know the feeling!  With both hearts racing with happiness ˆ gone are your workday worries and now it’s time to relax at home sweet home and put together a masterpiece!  Art Casso Pet Painting Kits are a great reward to allow you both to creatively express through art and don’t forget to get inspired from the lovely Pet Art By Kate that’s already hanging on the wall.

PAWSitive Expressions for you and your Pet to Enjoy with Pup-Casso & Kitty-Casso painting kits or Pet Art By Kate!

Give the gift of Pup-Casso & Kitty-Casso and you’ll be known as the “cat’s meow.” World’s first no mess ˆ non toxic, paint kit for pets  just awarded 2nd Place at the Global Pet Expo! Is your pet the next “Mutt-isse” or “Leonardo DaKitty”? You and your pet will create a masterpiece you will cherish forever! Transform your artwork into professionally made gifts you and your pet can share & wear. They’re fun, creative, and stimulating.

All typos are from the original.

 When you care enough to send the very least.

WOODSIDE, N.Y., Jan. 23 /PRNewswire/ — Forty-five New York White Castle restaurants will offer reserved candlelight dining on Wednesday, February 14 from 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. If you Crave the steam grilled goodness of White Castle then you’ve found the perfect dinner destination to share with your favorite Valentine. Not only can Cravers dine with candlelight, the tables will be adorned with flowers and decorations. Customers will be presented with a special menu and will receive table side service.

If you don’t live in New York have no fear: The service is being offered at White Castles in many areas around the nation.

1. “[Ken] Lay’s death may be the equivalent of a child sticking their fingers in their ears to avoid hearing something bad. But a lot more final. Mark Murphy is CEO of Leadership IQ, a Washington, D.C. based management consulting firm. Mark has some interesting thoughts on the demise of Ken Lay and how others can avoid his fate.”
2. “The latest Feminine Hygiene’s Innovation in 50 years Addresses Global Warming Issue … With temperatures rising across the country, everyone is aware of the issue of global warming. Fortunately, there is more emphasis on how individuals can be proactive about the issue in their daily life. Not every woman can buy a hybrid automobile, but one company is making a concentrated effort to educate woman about the positive environmental impact their feminine hygiene choice can make to the global warming issue.”
3. “Ladies and Gentlemen, dear Guests, before I would like to share my next to 50 years of experience as an airline passenger with you, I’d like to take the opportunity to clear one of the biggest lies floating around everywhere in the World: “Second Hand Smoke (SHS, a.k.a. ETS, Environmental Tobacco Smoke) damages your health”. Please refer to our DOWNLOADS page and be surprised by the overwhelming, neutral evidence. By the way, did you know that the NAZIs also sported a huge Anti-Smoking campaign? Yes, they did and the one we experience now, frightningly, carries exactly the same insignia. Now on to a more pleasant subject than fat lies…”
4. “Japan has reduced its waste into the environment by 1/3 due to Soladey [a toothbrush].  Most people run water the whole time they are brushing. Because this leading-edge technology works with light and saliva, we have the potential of saving tremendous amounts of drinkable water”, explains Powers, who offers an affordable alternative to the $250+ Americans spend on other types of toothbrushes. ‘If everyone would use Soladay, the U.S. would save 1.9 trillion liters of clean drinking water a year!’”
5. “Globat.com Sponsors St. Patrick’s Day Gynecological Visit. … the world’s first sponsorship of a gynecological visit for Shimmer, a long-time eBay celebrity from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Shimmer will be riding to and from her gynecologist in a limo, will undergo a gynecological exam and will be promoting Globat.com and cancer prevention throughout the day.”
6. “Howard Stern and His Crew Recount Their Feelings from Five Years Ago as They Re-Experience the Tragedy. Howard TV to Air Two 9/11 Retrospective Specials Including Footage from the 9/11 and 9/12/01 Shows Which Never Aired on TV.”
7. “Are You Tired of Late People? Sick of Cell Phone Abusers? You Aren’t Alone According to a New Survey by PetAgree Products …  Everyone has one, what you probably didn’t know is that many of us have the same ones. Call them complaints, annoyances, grievances or Pet Peeves™  — they are the things that pop up throughout the day that drives you crazy.” I’m tired of companies that trademark phrases like Pet Peeves.
8. “NASCAR Nextel Cup champion Tony Stewart is working with Old Spice to give a lucky fan the sweat towel right off his shoulder (un-washed)!”
9. “More than half of all Americans (56%) would like to lose a few pounds to look better this summer, with almost half (48%) wishing to lose 10 pounds or more, a new survey by International Communications Research shows.” Survey sponsor: Slim Fast.
10. “Leading independent interactive agency, [redacted], has collaborated with Sexy Beast to create a fresh, dynamic Web 2.0 site [redacted] to support the launch of a new design-driven, luxury dog brand that unites the pet and beauty industries to create a new genre called ‘pet beauty.’ “
11. “I have long dreamed of one day finding a way that people could enjoy all of the healthful, anti-oxidant, cholesterol lowering and weight management benefits of unprocessed chocolate without the usual consequences of sugar and artificial sweeteners.”
12. “The President has referred to an NSA program, which he authorized, directed against al-Qaeda. Because that program is highly classified, Verizon cannot comment on that program, nor can we confirm or deny whether we have had any relationship to it.” – Verizon explaining why they couldn’t comment on handing over consumer phone records to the the government without anything resembling a court order, something President Bush had just discussed with the press corps.

Press release lead of the day:

There’s a reason why this week — December 3 to 9 — is National Hand-Washing Week.

Apparently the reason why it’s THIS WEEK is top secret because no where in the release do they actually tell us. Lots of gross stats about hand washing, though.

Bonus!

PR headline of the day:

Motorola to Acquire Good Technology

Well, it’s about time.

The existence of Smoker’s International Airlines begs the question: Does every niche have to be filled?

Alexander Schoppmann, a 55-year-old former stockbroker, has come up with a business plan for Smoker’s International Airways, or Smintair, which he says will offer flights between his home town of Duesseldorf in western Germany and Tokyo. It’s all about service, he said — and that includes helping people avoid long hours confined without a cigarette break during a long-haul flight.

Schoppmann says he will begin service in March but, given that he’s a 30 A DAY smoker, odds are against him being there even if for some reason his airline does get off the ground. A fact that even Schoppmann seems willing to acknowledge:

Asked how certain he is that Smintair will take off as planned in March, Schoppmann said: “How certain is it that I will be alive by then?”

If you had any doubts about his business acumen, a press release by Herr Schoppman mentions the Nazis. It seems to me that the release implies that smokers are suffering a persecution similiar to … well you know who. But, given my last name, I may be overly sensitive on the subject so I’ll let you decide:

Ladies and Gentlemen, dear Guests, before I would like to share my next to 50 years of experience as an airline passenger with you, I’d like to take the opportunity to clear one of the biggest lies floating around everywhere in the World: “Second Hand Smoke (SHS, a.k.a. ETS, Environmental Tobacco Smoke) damages your health”. Please refer to our DOWNLOADS page and be surprised by the overwhelming, neutral evidence. By the way, did you know that the NAZIs also sported a huge Anti-Smoking campaign? Yes, they did and the one we experience now, frightningly, carries exactly the same insignia. Now on to a more pleasant subject than fat lies…

Hmmm, flying from Dusseldorf to Tokyo means flying over Russia who no doubt will embrace the return of the Luftwaffe to their sunny skies.

Google, as you may recall, has the following two items in its 10 points of corporate philosophy: “Democracy on the web works” & “You can make money without doing evil.” Observers didn’t realize these were meant to be ironic until the company began kowtowing to the Chinese government and censored their search results there.

Now, in yet another effort to throw yet another fig leaf over their corporate brand they have announced the following effort for Banned Books Week:

To Kill a Mockingbird. Of Mice and Men. The Great Gatsby. 1984. It’s hard to imagine a world without these extraordinary literary classics, but every year there are hundreds of attempts to remove great books from libraries and schools. In fact, according to the American Library Association, 42 of 100 books recognized by the Radcliffe Publishing Course as the best novels of the 20th century have been challenged or banned. Google Book Search is our effort to expand the universe of books you can discover, and this year we’re joining libraries and bookstores across the country to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Banned Books Week – a nationwide initiative to help people learn about and explore banned books. You can start by browsing these 42 classics – books we couldn’t be more pleased to highlight. — Google press release.

And the irony flowed like herring. Hey, can someone ban The Da Vinci Code? Cuz it’s terrible.

*I’m looking for a graphic for the Penguins. Anyone care to suggest or submit one? There’s a free T-shirt in it for you. (At right, our first submission from Mr. Impatient. Thanks, Mr. I!)

I swear to whatever deity you like I am not making this up. Headline from a release passed on to me by Brandweek’s ace webmaster Rory Thompson:

The latest Feminine Hygiene’s Innovation in 50 years Addresses Global Warming Issue

What’s not to love? Not only does it take PR over-reach to a whole new level but it’s got an entirely superflous apostrophe s! Fun for the whole family.

There’s no point in gilding this particular lilly, so I’ll just quote from the release:

With temperatures rising across the country, everyone is aware of the issue of global warming. Fortunately, there is more emphasis on how individuals can be proactive about the issue in their daily life. Not every woman can buy a hybrid automobile, but one company is making a concentrated effort to educate woman about the positive environmental impact their feminine hygiene choice can make to the global warming issue. Diva International, creator of The DivaCup™, is on the leading-edge of the US $2.3 Billion in 2001 (expected $2.7 Billion in 2005) feminine hygiene market with their newly designed menstrual cup.

In 2000, over 55.9 million women (in the US alone) are monthly users of disposable feminine hygiene products. The 41 year menstruation span (11-52 years) creates billions of pounds of disposable feminine hygiene products being “dumped” into the environment each year. In 1998, the annual figures for the U.S. were estimated at 12 billion sanitary pads and 7 billion tampons. Landfills are over-taxed with feminine hygiene products. Their manufacture uses great resources of energy. In addition, the additives and surfactants they contain pollute rivers, streams and oceans.

“Disposable feminine hygiene waste poses a continuing environmental issue. This has a serious impact on the environment and global warming. We are committed to decreasing this serious eco-footprint by offering The DivaCup™. We truly believe that menstrual cups are the next generation of feminine hygiene. An added benefit is that women can save $350 a year because The DivaCup™ is reusable”, states Carinne Pickering who began the company with her mother after completing an Honors Bachelor of Business degree from the prestigious Wilfrid Laurier University.

In the feminine hygiene category, where there have been very few innovations in over 50 years, the DivaCup™ represents a breakthrough product for women. With the focus on health and the environment, the company sets its sights on encouraging woman to consider this new wave in feminine hygiene.

After 10 years of successfully selling menstrual cups worldwide, the pair redesigned the device, making structural improvements and manufacturing it out of medical grade silicone. This material is the same type of silicone used in knee replacements and heart valves which makes The DivaCup™ comfortable, clean and long-lasting. Medical grade silicone has been safely and extensively used in medical devices for over five decades.

“With all the state-of-the-art conveniences Western society has developed, it baffles me why we are still using out-dated feminine hygiene concepts,” explains Francine who had the concept of a menstrual cup in her head for over 25 years. “I knew that I just had to offer this to other women around the world and I knew that it would be my lifelong passion. Health and the environment go hand-in-hand.”

Because the menstrual cup has never been linked to Toxic Shock Syndrome, women are also putting their concern for health to the forefront by purchasing this leading-edge alternative to tampons.

Talk about burying your lead. Their actual claim to anything is all in the last three graphs.

Press release: 

Are You Tired of Late People? Sick of Cell Phone Abusers? You Aren't Alone According to a New Survey by PetAgree Products, LLC

LOS ANGELES, May 4 /PRNewswire/ — Everyone has one, what you probably didn't know is that many of us have the same ones. Call them complaints, annoyances, grievances or Pet Peeves™  — they are the things that pop up throughout the day that drives you crazy. A survey of over 1000 consumers nationwide, commissioned by PetAgree Products, LLC and administered online by TNS NFO a leading market research company, found that telemarketing registered as an issue with 86% of the respondents; while grouches, tailgating and poor service were problematic for just over 80% of the people. Additional complaints included: late people (59%), being ignored (58%), cell phone abusers (56%) and messy people (39%).

Are You Tired of Companies Trademarking Everyday Words? Sick of Silly Surveys? You Aren't Alone According to a New Survey by CollateralDamage™. BTW, the product is on a par with the release. Trust me.