Collateral Damage

The phrase “stunning lipstick” is now literally true. Women (and men who are very secure in their self-image) can now carry this wonderful little number that combines a flashlight and 350,000 volts of self-protection. OK, is it just me or is the possibility of a self-inflicted injury pretty impressive here? BTW, if stun guns aren’t your thing, you can also get knives and pepper spray in lipstick-shaped containers. (A more stylish selection of lipstick stun guns can be found here, if you think the ones at right are too plain to show to any potential muggers.)

If you don’t mind that it’s ugly as all get out, you can wear a ring/pepper spray combo. And if someone tells you they think it’s unattractive … well I know one way to win that argument.

The cell phone is another popular shape when it comes to disguising personal protection implements. Again, I have to wonder why Mr. Bad Guy would allow you to grab your cell phone, but if that’s what people are comfortable carrying then I am all in favor of it.

One of the best ways to make sure you don’t have to use gadgets like these is to make it obvious that you are carrying these items. In the past this has meant choosing function over form and strapping something in basic black to your side. Fortunately this is no longer the case. Now, you can combine whimsy and a true drop-dead attitude with this leopard-skin print Taser. Have to say I was a bit disappointed to see that the Taser holster is still only available in basic black.

However should that not be nearly cute enough for you (where’s Hello Kitty when you need her?), there is always the Don’t touch Me! Lovely Pink Seal Stun Gun Lovely Taser Weapon! Gotta warn you though, with only 195 volts of shocking power (I think) you’re giving up a lot for the cuteness factor.

But, as they say, that’s not all. There’s also a very cute pink camo pepper-spray holder. (Which I suppose you could also use to hold actual lipstick.)

“Oh dear! Mr. Collateral Damage,” you may ask, “what do I do if I am going to a more formal event?” Have no fear my dear, the invisible hand of the marketplace is there to help you keep someone else’s visible hands to himself AND look good with diamonds or pearls. The wonderfully named PepperFace sells all sorts of glam pepper spray dispensers adorned with actual authentic Swarovski crystals.

Stun guns and pepper-dispensers come in all sort of less, well, girly shapes as well. For dual functionality nothing can top the old stun gun and flashlight combo as far as I’m concerned. Although I’ve always preferred the basic MagLite with six D cells. It’s a flashlight AND a giant honkin’ piece of metal that you can whack someone with. No worrying about whether the little electronic doohickies made contact with that. However, I now know of something that would be more effective — the combination flashlight AND sharp pointy stick! This is called a “tactical flashlight” and the one that caught my eye promises, “Unlike ordinary tactical lights with crenellated bezel that can often inflict unnecessary harms to oneself, K2 features sharpened spikes around the bezel that protrude outward only when the spike protector is lowered. With the spikes protected when not needed, the fast turn threading allows the rapid retraction of the spike protector. These spikes are sharpened far more than those ordinary crenellated bezel light.“

The one drawback with this as far as I’m concerned is that it doesn’t come in a version big enough to house six D cell batteries. Nor does it come in pink. C’mon invisible hand of the marketplace, a need is going unmet!

Talk about your mixed messages.

Found this at AdFreak:

The front cover of the card features two glasses of wine held by two hands and reads, “pardon me….” On the inside is printed, “care for some liquid clothes remover?”

Sadly what brought this to the attention of the press was NOT the fact that there is no mention of safe sex procedures. No, this got noticed because some outraged person viewed it as promoting promiscuity among teens. (Something, it should be noted, that’s about as tough to promote as water among the Bedouin.)

[ Cyndi] Desrosiers said she first saw the card in a Dover [NH] Hallmark store in an area designated for a “RED” line of cards, from which proceeds are reportedly spend to combat AIDS in Africa. “I find it ironic given that they’re promoting sexual promiscuity,” she said. “The target audience, in my opinion, is young adults.”

What is not at all clear is why Ms. Desrosiers thinks that the card is aimed at the young and the restless. Has red wine become all the rage among the youth of today? Or maybe sending greeting cards? Hallmark can only hope.

Ms. D brought the card and her complaint to clerks at two different card stores in NH. Apparently the concept of the clueless customer is always right is well ingrained in the Granite State. Both clerks removed the cards from the shelves.

Let’s see you try that in Boston. We’ll curse you out just for buying the damn thing.

Complaints from irate Catholics (is that a new denomination?) have forced a chain of stores in Singapore to pull all of the “Lookin’ Good For Jesus” line of cosmetics.

Nick Chui, 27, a Catholic, spotted the items in a Topshop outlet and then wrote a letter to [its owners] saying that the products trivialised Jesus Christ and Christianity. “There are also sexual innuendoes in the messages and the way Jesus is portrayed in these products,” the Singapore Straits Times quoted Chui as saying.

The cosmetics and toiletries are made by the Massachusetts company Blue Q. The company is actually pretty catholic in its brands, which include “Wash Away Your Sins,” and “Cute as Hell.” They also make “Believe In God” & “Convert to Judaism” breath sprays and “Jesus Saves” & “Jesus Rocks” car air fresheners.

We know He can turn water into wine, but can He turn controversy into sales.

I’m always conflicted when it comes to the topic of religious humor. I know a bunch of Jesus jokes (that’s bad, right?) and I learned most of them from a priest (which makes them good, right?). For reasons I am still unclear on, a lot of them involve JC playing golf.

Not all, however.

Jesus walks into a hotel, places three nails on the counter and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”

That’s bad.

As noted earlier this week, Facebook and other social networking sites have been blamed for a wave of teen suicides in the UK. This was simply too good a story for the press to pass up — regardless of the facts in the matter.

Now comes word from Down Under that:

Psychologists in Australia have warned about the power of glamorising death through social networking sites in the wake of a spate of suicides in the UK

Translation: A reporter or editor saw the story and said “Localize it!” So someone called around to a bunch of local head shrinkers and asked for their opinions. To no one’s surprise the psychologists said this is a bad thing. No one seems to have told the mental health types the only fact contained in the entire story.

However, a police spokesman in Bridgend said there was no evidence to date of a suicide pact and that the theory did not come from police.

So the news  (a.k.a, the lead) is buried in the fourth paragraph and contradicts the basis for the rest of the article. Thus an accurate headline would read: Cops say suicide pact story is nonsense

What makes the article even better (better here meaning “an improved quality of stupidity) is the fact that the final paragraphs feature a medical person saying stories like this could exacerbate the problem.

Dr Jonathon Scourfield, a lecturer in social sciences, said cultural and social influences were influential in the decision to commit suicide.

“The more stories that appear about young people having killed themselves in your area, the more it might appear to you to be a reasonable response to a particular kind of crisis,” he said.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember that the only thing worse than having a free press is not having one.

The death of actor Heath Ledger prompted the White House to postpone President Bush’s event on Wednesday promoting an ad campaign aimed at preventing prescription drug abuse.

Notable because it may be the only time in seven years the president passed on getting PR mileage from a tragedy.

It’s official: social networking and not the pursuit of money is now the source of all evil.

Previously Facebook et al., have been blamed for A) destroying the economy, B) supplying information to Cosa Nostra and C) ruining Christmas. (All those who think the state of the economy has something to do with absurd lending practices and oil flirting with the $100-a-barrel mark will be required to take a remedial class in sensational journalism.)

Now comes the latest word that a social networking site (that would be the et al. mentioned above) are driving teens to kill themselves.

The deaths of seven young people from the same town in South Wales could be linked to a suicide craze sweeping a social networking internet site.

According to reports detectives believe the goal of the suicides isn’t actually death but to have one’s friends set up an online cenotaph and thus gain some postmortem coolth.

“They may think it’s cool to have a memorial website,” one officer told The Times newspaper. “It may even be a way of achieving prestige among their peer group.”

Now I’ve heard more absurd theories — something about Iraq and WMDs comes to mind — but not many. All the reading I’ve done suggests that the key ingredient to suicide is mental illness not internet access.

Sadly this is not the first time I have encountered reports of teens making a fad of killing themselves. When I was in college there was a report of a wave of teens hanging themselves on Long Island. If memory serves experts offered theories ranging from the then-nascent MTV to the ever popular alienation. However further review of the evidence revealed that in fact these were all botched attempts at what the NY Times genteelly referred to as “auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

I could be wrong of course. Perhaps the world has changed even more radically than I realize since I was a teen. That was, after all, back when mastodons and manual typewriters roamed the earth. At the time I was as angst-y as they came — the amount of time I spent listening to Jackson Browne records and reading Yeats could be measured in years. But even I wouldn’t have considered killing myself to get my friends to say nice things about me when I was gone.

Paul Smith also takes a skeptical view of this on his blog here.

1) The Smoking Mitten: This innovative design from Tobias Wong utilises a metal ringlet perfectly placed and sized to hold your cigarette in the optimum smoking position.2) Designer Ice Cubes: “It’s ice is supposedly of such a high quality, that it comes in a resealable bag, to keep it fresh and pure in your freezer.“

3) Wooden Cross USB Memory Strap: What would Jesus store? I don’t know but apparently He can only hold 2GB of info. So much for being infinite.

4) CrustaStun: This allegedly more humane way to kill crustaceans lets you put the shelled creature into a shallow bath of brine, close the lid and then VOILA! the critters get an electric current that promises “to produce an instant anesthesia and eventually death.” [Note to self: Insert joke about adoption by the state of Texas here.]

5) A Crayon-branded beverage: I hope they taste better as a liquid than they did when I ate them as a kid.

“To boldly be buried as no one has been buried before…”

Eternal Image is a company that seems devoted to helping people get rid of excess cash when they die. When I last checked in, the maker of “brand-name funerary objects” had lines of urns and caskets with Major League Baseball logos and symbols from the Vatican Library. But, as the saying goes, that’s not all …

For the millions of fans on our planet and beyond, our new line of Star Trek urns, caskets, monuments and vaults will be an important discovery indeed. After ten movies and five television series, phrases like “Live long and prosper,” “Resistance is futile” and “Space: the final frontier” have become part of our global vocabulary.

The urn, right, “will feature a bold design reminiscent of the 24th century styling of the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet.” The casket “as been inspired by the popular ‘Photon Torpedo’ design seen in STAR TREK II: The Wrath of Kahn.” (BTW, as someone who has wept through that particular movie more times than he would care to admit, I can tell you that it’s spelled Khan.)

If tacky Trekkie isn’t your way to go, then check out the equal-but-differently tacky line of Precious Moments™ funerary objects. Death, be not un-cute…

Best line from Eternal Image’s mission statement: “We combine the power of brand-names with 21st century materials and composites that won’t rot.” How much more can you ask from a company?

The purveyor of Swedish meatballs and home furnishings seems to think that nothing says comfy sleeping like a nice body outline. The Hulda Dans* quilt was apparently inspired by CSI and the other shows in the death porn genre. The heart monitor pillow covers are a nice touch. On the plus side: The victims were holding hands when they were killed.

*Has anyone started using the Ikea catalog as a source for Web 2.0 company names? There’s Polarvide, Granat, Klippan, Morrum, Glansa, Aneboda — and that’s just in the first few pages.

The war on terror gets ugly, Part 2

Last week I made fun of the CIA for its terrible anti-terror graphic. And rightfully so. However, in the interests of fairness, let me say that the pro-terror groups aren’t going to win any design competitions either.

Al Qaeda generally uses two symbols … a badge and a flag.

The badge has all the key brand qualities in it — death, God, the Holy Book and a finger in the universal symbol of “we’re #1″ — BUT it is way, way too busy. Graphic clean up on aisle 666, please.

The flag.

Qaeda’s flag really has nothing that makes it distinctive. This could be any Arabic phrase on a black background. For all I know this is an ad for a McDonald’s in Baghdad. If you’re a multi-national — of any sort — your logos have to be easily identifiable to foreigners or the illiterate (or, in my case, foreigners who are illiterate).

Compare Qaeda’s badge and flag with the logo of the United Liberation Front of Asom:

Like the Al Qaeda symbols, the ULFA logo also contains text in a language that is totally unknown to me but the overall effect is clear and easily recognized from a distance. (Image via IronicSans which has a great article on trends in the logos of terrorist organizations) It’s clean and the use of the crossed doa gives it a visual hook that an ignoramus like myself can quickly recognize. Remember, while its important for your emblems to appeal to your base, it also has to be easily ID’d by outsiders. It’s not just enough to kill people and destroy things, you’ve got to market it!

When all else fails, bring out the bad graphics.

Matthew Yglesias found the following on the CIA’s website:

I still prefer the board game.

(Thanks to Skott Klebe for the tip!)

This puts that pink shotgun all to shame. Does HelloKittyHell* have one of these?

GlamGuns is the best satire site I’ve seen in a long time. Be sure to check out My First Carbine.

Ladies! Has your daughter succumbed to societal brainwashing? Does she refuse toy soldiers for Barbie and pass up BB guns for My Little Pony or Hello Kitty items? Have you despaired of interesting her in the practical aspects of life, such as weaponry and self-defense?

If so, this site is for YOU!

At GlamGuns.com, we’ve combined the girliness of glamor with the practicality of military expertise and have created a collection that will make your child shriek with joy! From the My Little M4 Carbine to the Hello Kitty “HK-AK-47″, you’ll find something for the little girl in everyone!

And we haven’t forgotten the Moms!

From the rocket launcher inspired by Mother Theresa to the Martha Stewart colors Claymore mines, the Glambo Signature Collection has something for you as well!

Hmmm, SSG Big Brother Collateral Damage is having a birthday this week… hmmm…

*Not only does HelloKittyHell have it, they have the whole freakin’ Hello Kitty arsenal.

• Armored Personal Carrier
• Pistols
• And even clothing

Grief is taking on new shapes, forms and rituals in today’s world. There’s Cemetery 2.o,

[The] device maintains a live satellite Internet connection. Visitors to the physical memorial can view related memorials on the device display, while visitors paying their respects at any of the online memorials will recognize that their browsing is associated directly with the actual burial site.

For the generation growing up now using the Web for this is no odder than my parent’s generation posting death notices in the newspapers.

Social networking Web sites, like Facebook, MySpace and Friendster … have become an outlet for young adults to express their grief when friends die. They write messages to their dead friends, and even tell them stories of recent events.

Less noted is the little difficulties of coming across digital detritus from family and friends who have died. My Aunt Cathleen died last month and yesterday I deleted her phone number from my cell phone. That phone number — which is the only one she’d ever had during my lifetime — is no longer in use and I would see it and her name every time I went looking for a phone number. I like to remember my aunt, but seeing it that many times a day was just too much right now. I wanted an option other than delete, though. It took a long minute before I was willing to hit the button that was laden with so much finality.

Which brings me to why I hate Facebook. Actually I don’t hate it as a service or anything like that. It’s just that in January my beloved cousin Deirdre wrote “Hi Con” on my “wall” at Facebook. Deirdre, Cathleen’s daughter, died in June. There’s no way I’m removing that posting. So I cringe whenever someone suggests doing something via Facebook. In time, that will change but for now I hate Facebook.

You can have your Jesus Phone, from now on I will be listening to all my stolen gospel music on this. HA HA. Special props to OhGizmo for dubbing it the iJesus. BTW, the iJesus is very affordable: 4GB for only $48. Discounts if you buy enough for the whole flock.

First my bona fides:

1. I started covering global warming in the early 1990s. I have no doubts about it and have read more on the topic than your average bear (especially the polar bears who don’t read that much anymore because they’re having to look for new homes because the polar ice cap is melting, fortunately for them this is happening just as the US real estate market is tanking … but I digress).
2. You really, really don’t want to know how much military history I’ve read. It’s a lot. I remember my cell phone number because it’s close to the year of the battle of Hastings. I know when the first battle that we have records from both sides was. (1300 BC. Hittites vs. Egyptians. The home team Hittites, under coach Muwatallis, won the contest at Kadesh but didn’t cover the spread. In case you were wondering, Muwatallis is also known to history as Mutwatallis and Mutwatalli II. His friends all called him Fred because when they tried to call him Mut he had them beheaded.) So yeah, you don’t want to go there with me.
3. Ever since he got out of politics I’ve been a big Al Gore fan. Prior to losing the 2000 election I never would have suspected he could be interesting AND funny. Love him on Futurama and Saturday Night Live. No I have never seen “Inconvenient Truth.” As the great Tim McIntyre puts it: I don’t need to study for a test I’ve already passed.
4. So…

Al Gore won the Nobel PEACE Prize? Yeah, I know environmental problems are and will cause all sorts of conflicts. So what? They always have. Dear Nobel Committee (and this is as close to it as I will ever get) what part of the phrase “peace prize” don’t you understand?

The Peace Prize goes to great groups like Doctors Without Borders and The Red Cross. It goes to people who actually stopped fighting or helped people deal with the aftermath of war. It also went to Henry Kissinger. That Peace Prize is most notable because Tom Lehrer cited it as proof that irony was indeed dead.

This is a stretch. If you want to give a prize for generally helping the planet than give one of those. Mr. Gore would certainly deserve that one. But lets give the Peace Prize to something having to do with armed conflict. Is that asking too much? So that’s why I am naming the Nobel Committee the Nat’l. Assoc. of Penguins of Irony Employee of the Month. I look forward to their acceptance speech.