Collateral Damage

It’s got something to do with chicks is all I know.

Easy jokes:

1. Actually I’ve always thought of him as wooden.
2. Couldn’t be worse than the one they’ve got.

Sadly for Mr. Brown and happily for anyone with a sense of humor the truth is even funnier.

Embattled Prime Minister Gordon Brown faces more potential poll humiliation — as Madame Tussauds waxwork museum said Tuesday opened a vote on whether they should bother making a model of him.

Quick, name an English-speaking country that actually likes its leader. … Hmmm, I’m stumped too. Maybe Canadia? They speak English, don’t they?

Some leaders are actually seeing their wax popularity waxing and not waning. The St. Petersburg Wax Museum says the public is not content with its small model of Dmitry Medvedev, Russia’s newly installed ventriloquist-dummy-in-chief. Apparently the people want a three-dimensional version. Should this come to pass, it will mean the museum’s version has more depth than the person it is based on.

Apparently he will carry his home state. Next up an 8-part investigative look at “Water: Is It Wet?”

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A New Zealand man has been accused of assault with prickly weapon — a hedgehog. Police allege that William Singalargh picked up the hedgehog and threw it several yards to hit a 15-year-old boy in the North Island east coast town of Whakatane on Feb. 9.

Runner up: Woman slips boa constrictor down her pants and walks away

LANSING, Mich. (AP) - A woman stole a boa constrictor from a pet store by slipping the snake down her pants, the owner said. The animal was stolen Thursday afternoon from Preuss Animal House in Lansing.

You can take this penis envy thing too far …

Must be an interesting moment for the cultists. What happens if they die before doomsday?

Tom Lehrer: “I feel like a Christian Scientist with appendicitis.”

UPDATE: “Doomsday cult calls credit cards satanic” Y’know, they’re not as crazy as I thought they were.

Won’t the octopi get hurt?

TOKYO (AFP) - Animal rights activists on Tuesday urged Japanese baseball stadiums to give up their usual fare of hot dogs and fried octopus balls and go vegetarian to fight global warming. Japan’s baseball commissioners announced as the season opened last week that the national pastime would take action to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, in particular by speeding up games. But People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) said it would be more effective for concession stands to serve exclusively vegetarian fare.

When will PETA start speaking up on behalf of the endangered Tofu?

I would like to commend the Japanese baseball league for making game lengths an environmental issue. I hope MLB follows suit. Anything to speed the games up.

9:29 AM — Manny puts Sox ahead 6-4 in the 10th. They should play more games with a 13 hour time difference. I like watching baseball over breakfast.

And speaking of Japan & cephalapods: Got to watch the Japanese movie Calamari Wrestler last weekend. BRILLIANT! Plot: A dying pro-wrestler is cured by monks. Only drawback: cure turns him into a squid. He resumes his life as a pro-wrestler. Also resumes his relationship with his girlfriend. There are so many hysterical scenes it is hard to pick a favorite but I especially loved the one where the happy couple are skipping down the street hand-in-tentacle. It has special effects on a par with early Dr. Who and a truly wonderful campy humor. The Times quote on the box sums it up perfectly: “A cross between The Muppets and Godzilla.” Which is also a great idea for the next Muppets movie.

From next Monday, anyone possessing or trading hamsters faces stiff fines of up to 30 million dong (1,875 dollars), the Vietnam News daily reported, citing a new agriculture ministry directive to enforce a ban imposed last month. The communist government aims to end a youth craze for the fast-breeding animals, which were previously only imported for scientific research, but which have now spawned online hamster forums and real-life hamster clubs.

Apparently the Year of the Ratatouille is to blame for the popularity of the rodents. The government is afraid that they could spread disease and destroy crops.

This crackdown seems to have hit the blackmarket hamster trade very hard: “Amid the stern warning, the state-run Vietnam News reported, the street price of hamsters, many smuggled from China and Thailand without licenses or quarantine checks, has already dropped from over 20 dollars to less than 10.”

Subhead in today’s Honolulu Advertiser on a story about Obama winning the Hawaii caucuses.

A Democrat won in traditionally Democratic areas!?!?!? Wow. Strange times indeed.

BTW, here’s a definition of mixed blessing — having the flu in Hawaii. I tell people on the phone and they start to come across with some sympathy and then it’s  … “wait a minute … he’s in HAWAII!”

Well, I’ve had the flu a lot of places and Maui is pretty much the best place for it.

When erectile dysfunction strikes an entire nation…

A joint “task force cervelat” composed of scientists, bureaucrats and industry representatives has been convened to tackle the crisis caused by a shortfall in Brazilian cows’ intestines used to encase the nation’s favorite sausage, the Swiss meat association said.

That must be a great resume item.

And in a related story, a German company has unveiled a pill to “improve first-person shooter performance.”

FpsBrain is the only effective product with a 110% money-back guarantee. Clinical research and expert knowledge made it possible to develop an effective neural accelerator.

Yep, performance enhancing drugs have come to video gamers. Either that or the Germans are taking euphemism to a whole new level.

… but they were willing to make one president?

(That’s my gratuitous Bush slam for today.)

MOSCOW (AFP) - Moscow pet shops are reporting a run on rats, as keen astrologically-minded Russians snap them up ahead of the New Year, which is the Chinese Year of the Rat, Interfax news agency reported Monday. Desperate shoppers are even resorting to buying mice, hamsters or gerbils in lieu of a real, domestic rat, according to one shop in the capital.Chinese astrology is closely followed in Russia, which shares a long border with China, and where many newspapers deliver daily horoscopes — and advice on how to care for new pet rats given as presents on December 31.

Oddly, they had the same problem in the year of the dragon.

(Happy 1st Headline of the Day for 200

A year in headlines of the day:

January 7: GM Vows to Defend Title Against Toyota How’s that working out?

January 25: Gnome, gnome on derange SYDNEY, Jan 25 (Reuters Life!) - It’s being called the “Gnomesville Massacre” and emergency workers in Western Australia are offering a reward for the capture of vandals who smashed their way through a local tourist attraction.

January 31: French health minister seeks nap study

March 8: Borat seen as human rights victim by U.S. government A State Dept. report cited Borat’s loss of his Kazakh webpage www.borat.kz in late 2005 alongside court cases and limits on free speech faced by the few domestic media critical of Kazakhstan’s long-serving President Nursultan Nazarbayev.

March 20: “Hundreds Line Up For Sheep Testicles” In Scotland they call it speed dating

April 16: 5000 rabbits block traffic on major highway in Hungary Were they hungry Hungarian rabbits?

April 18: Seattle Man Charged In Bizarre Duck Case Yeah, like there’s a chance in hell you’re not going to read the rest of that story. The lead, however, is even better:

“EVERETT, Wash. A Seattle man has been charged with a slew of crimes that involved an alleged shoplifting, assaults and a pet duck named Mr. Peepers.”

I think Mr. Peepers is a canard or at least a red herring.

The terror alert level has been set at duck l’orange.

April 27: San Anselmo teen wearing prom dress, combat boots chases down thieves in S.F. “Erin Schrode, a 16-year-old sophomore at Marin Academy, was decked out in prom gear and boots when she jumped into pursuit of three youths who swiped a friend’s purse and a laptop computer at an afternoon protest rally.”

June 12: Wild new flavours spice up German sausages German butchers have introduced a new line of exotic-tasting sausages with flavours ranging from kiwi, maraschino cherry, lemon and even aloe vera.

June 25: Giant penguins may have roamed Peru

July 8: Rushmore from Cheese “Get ready for Mount Rushmore to roll into your town this summer! Instead of granite from the Black Hills of South Dakota, the profiles of presidents Washington, Jefferson, T. Roosevelt, and Lincoln will be carved out of real cheese as part of the Cheez-It(R) Big Cheese Tour. The 700 pound portable cheddar cheese version of our nation’s first grand fromages, created by veteran cheese carver, Troy Landwehr, will help raise awareness of products made with 100 percent real cheese.”

October 1 Tropical activity possible in Gulf of Mexico Glad we cleared that up.

October 24: Fire affects TV shows, celebrities CNN on the California wildfires.

October 25: SpongeBob Squarepants Digital Camera Is Neither Square-Shaped Nor Made Of Sponges

October 31: Man Gets Probation in Pickle Assault Includes the quote of the year: “The fact that it’s silly doesn’t mean that it’s not serious.”– Berrien, MI, Trial Court Judge Scott Schofield sentencing Bobby Bolen to time served and 1 year of probation for assaulting two people.

November 3: Maker of Lipitor Digs In to Fight Generic Rival

November 8: How Google Can Take the High Road on Privacy Mr. Orwell! Mr. Orwell! Call for Mr. Orwell!

November 12: How to Teach Marketers to Be Authentic

December 5: News Corp May Have Found God, But Not LinkedIn

December 14: Demand softens for ant aphrodisiac

A Chinese company that raked in billions of yuan raising ants to make an aphrodisiac tonic has filed for bankruptcy, an official Web site said. Thousands of angry investors took to the streets of Shenyang, capital of Liaoning province, last month to demand help getting their money back from Yilishen Tianxi Group, besieging government offices and disrupting traffic.

No more comment needed.

TechCrunch reports on reports that Murdoch is buying BeliefNet.

What I find amusing about BeliefNet is it is so non-denominational that I am always a little surprised when I find any mention of The Big Kahuna. The site’s motto is “Inspiration. Spirituality. Faith.” Kind of the reverse order that most religious types would put those in but perfect for today’s scripturally squeamish consumers. The most emailed article on the site today is Chocolate Is Not The Enemy. This is a selection that appears under the wonderful tag: Weight Loss and Diet Inspiration From The Best of Chicken Soup For The Soul. Does anyone else think that the more chicken soup you have in your diet the less weight loss and diet inspiration you might need?

Looking at BeliefNet it is easy to imagine even a Universalist Unitarian complain about the lack of doctrinal rigor.

This is in marked contrast to my current favorite site for mixing religion and the internet: Mecca.com. Although this site doesn’t mention The Big Kahuna either, it seems to me that this is because they believe it’s wrong to associate You Know Who with a commercial enterprise rather than a desire to appeal to everybody.

While I would like to say I like this site because it helps people connect and find out what they have in common in a nice Muslim context, that would be a lie. As their mission statement shows the is lie by me … not them.

“Mecca.com offers a point of solidarity for online Muslims worldwide. Our goal is to promote and reinforce an inspiring, positive image of the strong values that Muslims bring to their respective communities everywhere. At mecca.com, we help Muslims everywhere come closer to achieving their own personal dreams – whatever they may be. Together, anything is possible.”

No, my real reason for liking the site is that is has The. Best. Tagline. EVER: Come to Mecca.

BRILLIANT.

(Maybe there’s someone there who can help me understand The Qu’ran. I tried to read it on my own a few years ago and quickly realized this is not a text I could make sense of without an instructor. I suspect I would have had the same reaction to the Old and New Testaments had I not grown up in a culture so infused with them.)

BTW, if you’re looking for a “holiday” gift for your “spiritually” minded friends may I suggest that you Reserve A Spot In Heaven for them. A mere $12.79 (?) guarantees him or her

Heavenly issued certificate of reservation with a unique I.D. number registered in the Book of Light™

A First class ticket to Heaven. Why walk those stairs when you can fly?

The Official Heaven Identification Card so you can get around without getting hassled.

Heaven 101 mini informational guide. Don’t be a victim of culture shock. Get acquainted with the land.

BTW, group discounts are available.