Collateral Damage

First my bona fides:

1. I started covering global warming in the early 1990s. I have no doubts about it and have read more on the topic than your average bear (especially the polar bears who don’t read that much anymore because they’re having to look for new homes because the polar ice cap is melting, fortunately for them this is happening just as the US real estate market is tanking … but I digress).
2. You really, really don’t want to know how much military history I’ve read. It’s a lot. I remember my cell phone number because it’s close to the year of the battle of Hastings. I know when the first battle that we have records from both sides was. (1300 BC. Hittites vs. Egyptians. The home team Hittites, under coach Muwatallis, won the contest at Kadesh but didn’t cover the spread. In case you were wondering, Muwatallis is also known to history as Mutwatallis and Mutwatalli II. His friends all called him Fred because when they tried to call him Mut he had them beheaded.) So yeah, you don’t want to go there with me.
3. Ever since he got out of politics I’ve been a big Al Gore fan. Prior to losing the 2000 election I never would have suspected he could be interesting AND funny. Love him on Futurama and Saturday Night Live. No I have never seen “Inconvenient Truth.” As the great Tim McIntyre puts it: I don’t need to study for a test I’ve already passed.
4. So…

Al Gore won the Nobel PEACE Prize? Yeah, I know environmental problems are and will cause all sorts of conflicts. So what? They always have. Dear Nobel Committee (and this is as close to it as I will ever get) what part of the phrase “peace prize” don’t you understand?

The Peace Prize goes to great groups like Doctors Without Borders and The Red Cross. It goes to people who actually stopped fighting or helped people deal with the aftermath of war. It also went to Henry Kissinger. That Peace Prize is most notable because Tom Lehrer cited it as proof that irony was indeed dead.

This is a stretch. If you want to give a prize for generally helping the planet than give one of those. Mr. Gore would certainly deserve that one. But lets give the Peace Prize to something having to do with armed conflict. Is that asking too much? So that’s why I am naming the Nobel Committee the Nat’l. Assoc. of Penguins of Irony Employee of the Month. I look forward to their acceptance speech.

Via Read/WriteWeb:

Google China has released a Q&A site, in partnership with Tianya Club. The Make Meaning blog notes that Tianya Club was founded in 1999 and is one of the most popular discussion forums in China. Tianya has almost 20 million registered users, 80% of whom are 18-35 years old.

Some questions that will not be answered:

1. What happened at Tiananmen Square?
2. What happened to “You can make money without doing evil”?
3. Does this mean you’re rethinking your rethinking of playing footsie with the Chinese government?

Nice additional detail on this at Google Blogoscoped:

In other, related news Tianya.cn was recently involved in an attempt by the Chinese government to suppress the reporting on a bridge collapse in Fenghuang a week ago. Quote the Associated Press last Friday:

Communist authorities have banned most state media from reporting on the deadly collapse of a bridge in southern China, with local officials punching and chasing reporters from the scene, reporters said Friday.

The harassment and the accompanying news ban was issued by the Chinese Central Propaganda Department on Thursday, the AP writes. The AP cites a reporter saying that an unidentified mob of locals “roughed up” a group of five reporters who were interviewing the families of those who were killed in the bridge collapse.

From The NY Daily News: CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT - IN BAGHDAD?

Where did they come up with this one? The Multi-National Corps-Iraq press desk sent out a release today about a new operation targeting insurgents in Baghdad, which succeeded killing two insurgents and locating a cache of “artillery rounds, mortars, cell phones, weapons, propaganda, ammunition magazines and other bomb-making materials.” The clever name of this mission? Operation Bull Run.

From CD in February 2006: The Iraq Civil War, or Operation Bull Run

Last Sunday, Secretary of State Rice made the TV rounds and dismissed an “impending” civil war. And, technically, she’s right: It’s not impending if it’s already here. Her comments sound like Gen. Westmoreland’s December 1967 dismissal of the North Vietnamese’s ability to launch an offensive anywhere in South Vietnam. The following month the North launched the Tet offensive everywhere in South Vietnam.

Two points for the Pentagon to keep in mind:

1. It was a JOKE.
2. There have been two previous battles of Bull Run. We lost ‘em both.

Y’know, Tom Lehrer once said that irony died when Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize. Oh Tom, if only you’d been right.

(Mad props to Flagrancy To Reason for finding this.)

From Wired: How to Take Money From Kids: Sell Toys Both Physical and Virtual

Webkinz kick-started a trend in children’s gaming that ties virtual environments to real-world merchandise. Online games for kids aren’t new. Sierra Online had tot-focused games in the early ’90s, and Neopets proved a hot product six years ago with a similar concept. But the unprecedented success of Webkinz is inspiring everyone from Barbie to Disney to get children invested in both the digital and the physical.

From TheWhatchamacallit: Neopets a neoscam?

The NC Mall was the final blow though. Needing to use real money, to buy virtual items on a kids site? It should not be! I am going to write a twelve paragraph letter to neopets on this subject, after seeing how few people actually realize neopets is being taken over!

From Reuters: Program Reveals Where Wikipedia Entrees Come From

A new tracing program that reveals where Wikipedia entries come from is stirring up controversy. People using FBI and CIA computers edited entries on such topics as the “Iraq war” and the prison at “Guantanamo Bay,” presenting a conflict of interest for the nonprofit online encyclopedia, according to a company spokesperson.

From today’s New York Times: Seeing Corporate Fingerprints in Wikipedia Edits

Collateral Damage: See here & here.

Collateral Damage: Today’s sarcasm is tomorrow’s news.

Were they tourists? Does Paddington know about this?

Habamus War Czar! Gen. Douglas Lute has been named caddy for the George Bush Desert Classic. Going out on a limb here but I don’t think Lute’s name will wind up in the history books next to George C. Marshall or Henry “Old Brains” Halleck — the best that he can hope for is that it doesn’t end up next to Custer’s. Why not take the job? There’s no real downside. The blame has already been laid. They must be rejoicing in Baghdad tonight.

Randall Tobias, head of the U.S. Agency for International Development, [resigned Friday] after ABC News asked him about his use of a so-called escort service known as Pamela Martin & Associates. … Among other duties, Tobias also was responsible for implementing U.S. policy that required grant recipients to take steps against prostitution and sex trafficking and supporting efforts to fight the spread of AIDS.

First Wolfowitz — who is supposed to be fighting corruption — gets into trouble when his girlfriend who works for him over at the World Bank, gets promoted. Now this. And to think I used to question Bill Clinton’s ethics.

CNN is running a story listing four of 10 biggest marketing blunders of 2006 as compiled by “Kelly O’Keefe, an independent branding consultant and CEO of O’Keefe Brands.” (Apparently it takes Kelly three months to come up with a Top 10 list as the person/company always puts out the list in March.) The big problem is that two of the four listed — TBS Aqua Teen Hunger Force silliness and JetBlue — took place in 2007. Maybe they meant biggest marketing blunders for the fiscal year ending March 07?

In CNN’s defense they do say “last year and even early this year,” but it sure reads like a very late Top 10 of 2006.

President Bush took aim Wednesday at lavish salaries and bonuses for corporate executives, standing on Wall Street to issue a sharp warning for corporate boards to “step up to their responsibilities” and tie compensation packages to performance.

If this applied to government jobs he might be extra glad that they’re about to increase the minimum wage.

They’re upset that satirists are doing naughty things to the Olympic rings and other symbols of the 2008 Munich — er Beijing — Olympiad.

“It’s a rights violation that contravenes our country’s laws and regulations,” an unnamed  spokesman said in a statement on The Beijing Organising Committee for the 2008 Olympic Games’ Web site.

China has laws and regulations? Wow. Learn something new everyday.

The wonderfully named Virgil Goode — a GOP state rep. in Virginia — has declined to retract a letter in which he warns that unless immigration is tightened, “many more Muslims will be elected” and use the Quran to take the oath of office.

They said the same thing about those damn Papists. And they were right. Democracy’s a bitch, aint it Virgil?

Goode also told Fox News he wants to limit legal immigration and do away with “diversity visas,” which he said let in people “not from European countries” and “some terrorist states.”

Goode’s concerns stem from the election of Keith Ellison to the US Congress from Minnessota. Ellison, the first Muslim ever elected to that august group of unidicted co-conspirators, has said he will use the Quran when he is sworn in.

“I will not be putting my hand on the Quran,” Goode said at a news conference yesterday.

I’m sure I speak for many Muslims when I say, “Thank God.”

“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.” — Mencken.

1. “Show’s you what I know.” – George W. Bush on the results of the mid-term elections.
2. “The reality is that the stability we thought we saw in the Middle East was a mirage.” – George W. Bush creating the results of the mid-term elections.
3. “He leads in a way that the good Lord tells him is best for our country.” —  Marine Corps Gen. and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace on Don Rumsfeld and, inadvertently, on why a Supreme Deity is not always your best source of military advice.
4. “Declassifying information and providing it to the public when it is in the public interest is one thing. But leaking classified information that could compromise our national security is something that is very serious, and there’s a distinction.” — Scott McClellan, past master of the syllogism and past White House spokesman.
5. “What the president has said all along is that he wants to make sure that people who become American citizens have a command of the English language.” – Tony Snow, new White House spokesman and past master of irony.
6. “He’s the only one qualified — that’s my opinion. He gets the job done. The guy has soul.” – Mrs. Ernie K. Doe on her husband running a post-mortem campaign for mayor of New Orleans. Despite his death, Mr. Doe still tells better jokes than John Kerry.
7. “It seems a little silly to have an amendment on Fluff, but it’s called for by the silliness of schools offering this as a healthy alternative in the first place.” – Massachusetts State Sen. Jarrett T. Barrios taking a stand against Marshmallow Fluff in the state’s schools.
8. “I’m protective of Fluff; I grew up on it.” – Massachusetts State Rep. Kathi-Anne Reinstein taking a stand against people who want to take a stand against Marshmallow Fluff in the state’s schools. She filed a bill to make the Fluffernutter the state’s official sandwich.
9. “If I were not serving in this office, I would certainly prefer to go into one of the coffee shops run by Starbucks.” – Chinese President Hu Jintao giving the company an endorsement it would have been better without.
10. “The image and brand of the GOP and conservatives has taken a hit and needs repair.” – Pollster and master of understatement Neil Newhouse to the Republican Governors Association.

The wonderful Lesley wrote:

My favorite this year was the Kraft brand manager who, upon being queried regarding the fact that the guacamole contains only 2% avocado said, in part, something to the effect of, “I don’t really know what customers expect.”

Which is pretty friggin’ great. Herewith some other winners:

1. “I believed fundamentally that the balance sheet was strong. I believed that then and I believe that now.” — Ken Lay, court testimony last April.
2. “The Yukon, Yukon Denali, Escalade, Tahoe, Suburban, Avalanche — we love them. So do customers, that’s even more important.” — GM CFO Frederick “Fritz” Henderson last May giving a quick guide on exactly how much GM doesn’t get it.
3. “If we didn’t have this level of profitability, I don’t think we could get the supplies to where they need to get to.” – John Hofmeister, president of Shell Oil Co., attempting to spin a literal embarrassment of riches.
4. “We felt that perhaps we could compromise our principles but provide ultimately more information for the Chinese and be a more effective service and perhaps make more of a difference.” – Sergey Brin, Google co-founder, realizing the real cost cost of his company’s hypocrisy.
5. “Wii is a core gaming device. It’s a more fun, intuitive sort of product to pick up, where the PS3 is a broader entertainment solution.” – Sony Australia & New Zealand general manager Nic Foster inadvertently showing why telling the truth is generally frowned upon in corporate management.
6. “The public perception … that you go to a 7-Eleven and grab beer, cigarettes and a lottery ticket. That’s not all we’re about.” – 7-Eleven CEO Joe DePinto hoping to remind consumers that his brand is also about chewing gum and milk, I guess.
7. “No, I do not. Nor do my children. My children–in many dimensions they’re as poorly behaved as many other children, but at least on this dimension I’ve got my kids brainwashed: You don’t use Google, and you don’t use an iPod.” – Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer responding to the question, Do you have an iPod?
8. “We acknowledge that the name adopted by us for our restaurant was most inappropriate.” – Satish Sabhlok, one of the owners of the Hitler’s Cross Restaurant in Mumbai, India, proving his gift for understatement.
9. “The ad has never been released, it is not out for public listening.” – Unnamed employee at the Dennis Mitsubishi car dealership in Columbus, Ohio, which was planning to run an ad proclaiming a jihad on the U.S. auto market and offering “Fatwa Fridays” with free swords for the kids.
10. “The public analyst has stated that the name Welsh Dragon Sausage is not sufficiently precise to inform a purchaser of the true nature of the food.” — Letter from a UK bureaucrat determined to make sure consumers don’t think they are eating meat from an animal previously believed to be fictitious.

Tomorrow the Penguins post their favorite political quotes. Monday will be their favorite quotes from press releases.

Forget the Golden Calf, how about a Golden Mao?

A 7-metre-high (23-foot) statue of Mao which has stood in Changsha in his home province of Hunan since the height of the Cultural Revolution in 1967 is being renovated by being covered in 24-carat gold plate.

OK, so we have a vaguely Communist but mostly fascist government wandering towards something resembling capitalism at its ugliest. To honor the former leader/mass murdered of said government on the 30th anniversary of his death, his hometown covers a statue of him (erected during one of his greatest killing sprees) in gold, thus making him into a faux Buddha — a belief system said leader/mass murdered tried to repress.

To paraphrase Mao’s fellow Communist mass murder Joseph Stalin, “One death is a tragedy. A million is a statistic. Erecting a gold statue of someone who killed tens of millions … Priceless.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Penguins of Irony have a new icon.

Technorati Tags: Gold, Mao, Communist, Statue, Irony, Penguins-of-Irony, China, Fascist

Penguins of Irony finally out of the closet?

SHILOH, Ill. - A picture book about two male penguins raising a baby penguin is getting a chilly reception among some parents who worry about the book’s availability to children — and the reluctance of school administrators to restrict access to it.

Technorati Tags: Gay, Penguins

Nixon to China this ain’t.

Bush compares U.S. wars in Vietnam, Iraq. “Well, they were still shooting at each other when I got to Iraq, that’s one difference.”

Technorati Tags: Vietnam, China, Bush, Iraq, Irony, Penguins