Collateral Damage

Apparently things are so dull in Iowa that throwing candy can get you busted.

A Drake University security guard was questioning Sean McGuire’s friend regarding a hit-and-run when the guard “noticed the colored candies falling on the ground around the officer. When the officer turned around, an M&M hit his shoulder, according to a police report.” McGuire said he was launching the chocolatey treats as a way of standing up for his friend. McGuire was released on a $1000 bond. And he was lucky. Had he been arrested for assaulting an officer with a peanut M&M there would have been no end to the puns.

The top prosecutor for the Iranian Republic says that Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter are all conspiring to subvert the youth of today.

Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabad said Iran was the world’s third biggest importer of toys and suggested this posed a threat to the “personality and identity” of the new generation. “The unrestrained entry of this sort of imported toys … will bring destructive cultural and social consequences in their wake,” he wrote. He added many toys were smuggled into Iran and accused importers of concentrating on profits at the expense of cultural values.

Man, this puts me in a bind. While I am certainly down with Bats, Spidey and Mr. Potter, I have always been troubled by Barbie. While the original (right) was a human shape and had a fairly sassy look in her eyes, later models became the absurd and subservient creature we all know today. However compared to more recent hyper-sexualized dolls like Bratz, she is positively demure and the personification of feminism. (Feminism (noun), a set of beliefs predicated on the notion that women are people too.)

Given that I guess I’m cool with Barbie doing a little subverting of one gender stereotype by displaying another one. It kind of reminds me of Slavenka Draculic’s wonderful book How We Survived Communism And Even Laughed. In it she writes about her feminist friends in the West would be shocked when Draculic, a Yugoslavian back when that meant something, would visit them and wear lipstick and frou-frou clothes. They saw this as acquiescing to a stereotype. For Draculic it was just the opposite. These things allowed her to assert her individuality while living in a nation that was trying to eliminate the individual. I suspect Ms. Draculic would (or does) approve of Barbie as revolutionary.

And, can I just say that if your belief system can be subverted by Barbie et al., then it really doesn’t have much of grasp on its audience.

I love the fact that this came from the Iran’s top prosecutor. How absurd is that? I mean can you imagine the US attorney general doing something similar? Like covering the breasts of a statue of blind justice because of its threat to the nations morals? Oh wait, never mind …

The war against replica bull balls is expanding.

Senators in the Sunshine State have followed the lead of Maryland and Virginia and “voted to ban the fake bull testicles that dangle from the trailer hitches of many trucks and cars throughout the state.“

Republican Sen. Cary Baker, a gun shop owner from Eustis, Florida, called the adornments offensive and proposed the ban. Motorists would be fined $60 for displaying the novelty items.

This is getting serious folks. Maybe we ought to consider an amendment to the constitution. I am tempted to put a trailer hitch on my 2000 Volvo S40 just so I can piss someone off. I do see them periodically up here on the wrong side of the Mason Dixon and I just think they’re funny.

I think the people at YourNutz.com and other vendors should really make a campaign contribution to Sen. Baker et al., as a way of saying thank you for the free PR.

The French parliament’s lower house adopted a groundbreaking bill Tuesday that would make it illegal for anyone — including fashion magazines, advertisers and Web sites — to publicly incite extreme thinness. … It would give judges the power to imprison and fine offenders up to $47,000 if found guilty of “inciting others to deprive themselves of food” to an “excessive” degree, said [Valery Boyer, a Conservative!!! lawmaker and author of the law].

• Let’s just hope that it makes more sense in the original French. But somehow, I doubt it.
• Who gets to decide what’s excessive? Jenny Craig?
• Can you incite mental illness? The law seems to posit that ads can cause or trigger or exacerbate anorexia. Can they do the same with alcoholism or obsessive-compulsive disorder? Where’s the line here? Anorexia is a very real problem and this is a very real PR move that won’t actually help the issue. “Her bill has mainly brought focus to pro-anorexic Web sites that give advice on how to eat an apple a day — and nothing else.“
• It seems that in France Conservative = Democrat.

WELLINGTON (AFP) - A New Zealand school is to ban children sharing birthday cake as the government introduces new guidelines to restrict unhealthy food being sold to pupils. Oteha Valley School in Auckland has told parents not to allow their children to bring birthday cakes to school for friends to share, The New Zealand Herald reported Friday.

Man, what a weird black market that will create. “Hey, Bobby… what will you give me for a big piece of chocolate with chocolate frosting AND one of the flowers?”

In other odd Down Under news: An Australian member of parliament wants to his state of Queensland to enact Kill A Toad Day.

“Basically we need … a special day that Queenslanders, especially children, could all play their part, very similar to Clean Up Australia (Day),” MP Shane Knuth said. “The toad is probably the greatest environmental vermin and probably the most disgusting creature known to man.”

Except for man himself, that is. In fairness to Mr. Knuth, the object of his wrath is the cane toad — an alien and invasive species to the continent. However, one has to question the MP’s obsession with the little green things.

Participants would be encouraged to put the toads in their fridge before euthanasing them in the freezer. They would then be disposed of at a specially set up centre. Mr Knuth, who last year proposed a 40-cent-per-toad bounty, said both state and federal governments had to seriously consider such a payment as part of any toad hunt.

BTW, did you know that a group of toads is referred to as a knot of toads? LOVE IT. Great list of collective names for animals can be found here. Some of my favorites:

• a crash of rhinos
• a dole of turtles
• a charm of goldfinches
• a leap of leopards
• a watch of nightingales
• a sloth of bears (is there also a bear of sloths?)
• a wedge of swans
• a clowder of cats

I have long felt that we should refer to a group of bystanders as a slaughter. No one else has followed my lead on this for some reason.

Mississippi legislators are considering a bill that would make it illegal for restaurants to serve food to fat people. Any restaurant found guilty of giving food to someone defined by the state department of health as obese risks losing its license.

No word on whether their will be exemptions if you are “big boned” or have “a thyroid condition.”

I want the state to issue Body Mass Index calipers for waiters to use before taking someone’s order. I also want a bill that bans idiots from proposing laws.

UPDATE: Turns out that this bill would cause fiscal chaos in M eye double S eye double S eye double P eye.

Preventing obesity and smoking can save lives, but it doesn’t save money, researchers reported Monday. It costs more to care for healthy people who live years longer, according to a Dutch study that counters the common perception that preventing obesity would save governments millions of dollars.

One wonders why the state is not already awash in saved dollars.

Virginia followed Maryland’s lead into the land of inane government restrictions yesterday when State Delegate Lionel Spruill introduced a bill to ban displaying replicas of human genitalia on vehicles, calling it a safety issue because it could distract other drivers.

Loyal readers will of course recall that it was nearly a year ago that a Maryland legislator introduced a similar measure. Surprisingly, it never got out of committee.

A key piece of information for Delegate Spruill: They are bull testicles, not human testicles which could make for an interesting defense in court.

“Your honor we ask that you dismiss the charges on the grounds that the testicles the defendant was displaying were clearly not those of a human.”

The folks at BumperNuts, YourNutz & BullsBalls and the other companies in the trailer hitch bull testicle industry must be ecstatic over the free PR. (YourNutz bills itself as “Your Source For The Original Car Nutz Bull Balls Truck Nuts on the Net!” Must make a great T-shirt. Not to be outdone, BullsBalls offers “testes-monials” from satisfied customers.)

Perhaps the best part of the story is where Spruill explains why he decided to tackle this issue. The idea came from a constituent who was embarrassed when his young daughter spotted said thing and asked him to explain it.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: “I said, ‘Sir, I’m going to be a laughingstock, but I’m going to do it,’” Spruill explained.

No doubt if the constituent had been embarrassed by trying to explain something like oh, homelessness or educational inequality, Delegate Spruill would have been just as fast to jump into action.

UPDATE: Got a great comment (below) from one Greg Phelps. This is someone who knows from decorating cars. See more pics of this car and its successor by clicking here.

ST. CHARLES, Mo. - A St. Louis-area town is considering a bill that would ban swearing in bars, along with table-dancing, drinking contests and profane music. City officials contend the bill is needed to keep rowdy crowds under control because the historic downtown area gets a little too lively on some nights. City Councilman Richard Veit said he was prompted to propose the bill after complaints about bad bar behavior.

There is another name for a bar that doesn’t have swearing, table-dancing, drinking contests and profane music … church.

When (fill in the blank) is outlawed, only outlaws will (fill in the blank)

• Playing board games: In South Carolina, it is illegal to pass Go or collect $200 - even if it is just Monopoly money. The same state law that has forced a local radio station to cancel its charity poker tournament scheduled for next week also makes it illegal for anyone in South Carolina to play a game - any game - that uses cards or dice.
• Having plastic genitalia on your car: Maryland Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr. has introduced a bill that would make it illegal to dangle outsized plastic testicles from the trailer hitches of pickup trucks. (FYI: The bill never made it out of committee.)
• Wearing tigger socks: Toni Kay Scott, a student at Napa Valley’s Redwood Middle School, was sent to an in-school suspension program (with the wonderfully Orwellian-name of Students With Attitude Problems). Her crime? Violating a dress code by wearing socks with Tigger on them, along with a denim skirt and a brown shirt with a pink border. A lawsuit ensued forcing the school district to pay $95K and drop any requirement for students to wear only solid-color clothing.
• Possesing cat urine: 38-year-old Cynthia Hunter of Florida was jailed for 50 days when police found a vial containing a yellow substance in her purse. She said it was cat urine for her son’s science experiment, but she was locked up for 50 days until the lab results confirmed that the substance was indeed cat urine.
• Swearing at your toilet: Dawn Herb of West Scranton, PA, faced a disorderly conduct charge after she started swearing at her backed-up toilet near an open window. The charge was later dismissed.
• Hugging: OAK PARK, IL — Percy Julian Middle School Principal Victoria Sharts banned hugging among the suburban Chicago school’s 860 students anywhere inside the building. She said students were forming “hug lines” that made them late for classes and crowded the hallways.
• Wearing Crocs: The wildly popular Crocs — the funky, clog-like resin shoe derided by the fashion conscious — have been deemed unsafe by administrators at Pittsburgh’s Mercy Hospital. BTW, Collateral Damage was the first — and only– place to predict that the “Crocs will kill you meme” would be picked up nationally by the press.
• Wearing baggy pants: Baggy pants that show boxer shorts or thongs would be illegal under a proposed amendment to Atlanta’s indecency laws.
• Drawing pictures of guns in school: An East Valley (Arizona) eighth-grader was suspended this week after he turned in homework with a sketch that school officials said resembled a gun and posed a threat to his classmates.
• Making faces at dogs: Jayna Hutchinson, 33, of Lebanon, N.H., was charged with cruelty to a police animal and resisting arrest after a July 31 incident in West Fairlee, VT. The arresting officer said that Hutchinson then approached his cruiser, where his dog Max was waiting … Putting her face within inches of the window and “staring at him in a taunting/harassing manner,” Protzman wrote in an affidavit. “While the defendant taunted my canine, Max was focused on the defendant and the perceived threat she presented to him,” the affidavit said. “He was no longer focused on me and the other officers at the scene.”
• Cheering at graduation: Indianapolis School Superintendent Eugene White sent letters to putative graduates informing them of a policy forbidding cheering during the reading of the graduates’ names. “The goal is to restore decorum to the ceremonies and make certain that every name can be heard. White’s letter reminds students that attending a graduation ceremony is a privilege, not a right.” Thirty school police officers were to be on hand to enforce the rules.
• Protecting dog barking with the first amendment: The North Dakota Supreme Court has rejected a claim that an anti-barking ordinance is unconstitutional.

Loyal readers will doubtless remember last spring’s post When Tigger socks are outlawed, only outlaws will wear cheerful Disney branded cloth on their feet. In it

Toni Kay Scott, a student at Napa Valley’s Redwood Middle School, was sent to an in-school suspension program (with the wonderfully Orwellian-name of Students With Attitude Problems). Her crime? Violating a dress code by wearing socks with Tigger on them, along with a denim skirt and a brown shirt with a pink border.

To no one’s surprise a lawsuit ensued. Said suit has now been settled. The school district has had to cough up$95K in lawyers’ fees and “may no longer require students to wear only solid-color clothing.“

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with The T.

1. 38-year-old Cynthia Hunter of Florida was jailed for 50 days when police found a vial containing a yellow substance in her purse. She said it was cat urine for her son’s science experiment, but she was locked up for 50 days until the lab results confirmed that the substance was indeed cat urine.
2. The West Scranton woman accused of cursing at her commode said she plans to enter a not guilty plea in court today.  Dawn Herb, of 924 Luzerne St., is facing a disorderly conduct charge that was issued after she started swearing at her backed-up toilet near an open window last week.

From TechDirt:

It should come as little surprise to hear that a judge (in East Texas, of course) has told a defendant he may not refer to the plaintiff suing him as a “patent troll.” This actually is quite reasonable for a variety of reasons. Obviously, the term has extremely negative connotations without a clear definition, opening it up to serious misuse. Also, there isn’t anything illegal about being a patent troll anyway (yet). It is bad for innovation and it’s bad for the patent system — but the reason such actions are so popular is that, for the most part, they are perfectly (if ridiculously) legal. With that in mind, focusing on name calling clearly isn’t the best way to get out of the lawsuit. Still, it is rather amusing that things would reach such a level that this would even merit a judge ruling on the term.

Will his honor please issue a ruling keeping them out from under bridges unless some patent billy goats are nearby?

Are patent trolls where they get patent leather?

OAK PARK, IL — Percy Julian Middle School Principal Victoria Sharts banned hugging among the suburban Chicago school’s 860 students anywhere inside the building. She said students were forming “hug lines” that made them late for classes and crowded the hallways.

If hugging you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

… the “Crocs pose a health hazard” meme is about to take off. During a layover in DC on Saturday I watched a promo for one of the local news shows about how wearing the shoes on escalators is a danger. Allegedly the material the shoes are made of is so soft that the metal teeth chew into them. Here’s the headline: Escalators eat Crocs.

OK, so I was a couple of months early but now the AP has taken it national:

At rail stations and shopping malls around the world, reports are popping up of people, particularly young children, getting their toes caught in escalators. The one common theme seems to be the clunky soft-soled clogs known by the name of the most popular brand, Crocs.

Coming up next: Crocs helps FaceBook destroy the economy.

1. Baggy pants that show boxer shorts or thongs would be illegal under a proposed amendment to Atlanta’s indecency laws.
2. An East Valley (Arizona) eighth-grader was suspended this week after he turned in homework with a sketch that school officials said resembled a gun and posed a threat to his classmates.
3. Illinois State University College of Business students have been told to don business casual attire in class — or risk getting kicked out for the day.

I don’t really care about #3, but 1 and 2 indicate communities with no grasp of real problems and their causes.