When caffeinated gum is outlawed, only outlaws will be wide awake enough to chew gum

The incredibly underworked school department in Lower Burrell, PA, suspended a student for three days “for sharing chewing gum that contains caffeine.”

Burrell School District Superintendent Amy Palermo said products acting as a stimulant are prohibited and possessing them is grounds for disciplinary action. She said the Jolt brand gum is a stimulant that has no other redeeming quality.

Somewhere the Jolt brand manager is itching for a fight.

The school has soda machines, but they aren’t turned on during school hours and drinks containing caffeine aren’t sold in the lunchroom. Palermo said the suspension was mainly based on the girl’s decision to share the gum with another student.

Oh, OK. So she was a dealer. Now it all makes sense.


4 thoughts on “When caffeinated gum is outlawed, only outlaws will be wide awake enough to chew gum

  1. Typical school idiocy and hypocrisy. That school administrators aren’t pilloried anywhere near as much as executives in corporations is a travesty. Well, a new release states that the girl will receive the first of ten annual $1,000 scholarships from GumRunners, LLC, makers of Jolt Gum – making this the best scholarship since the David Letterman “C” students of Ball State.

    It goes on to say “And to permanently honor the student whose suspension led to the Jolt Gum “Chew More Do More” scholarships, one scholarship will be set aside every year for a victim of “absurd punishment.” This specific scholarship will be referred to as the Jolt Gum “Courtney”, in honor of the student who was suspended.”

    Where were GumRunners when I was in school?

  2. I’ve gotta say, Jolt gum is that good. No other redeeming quality besides being a stimulant? What other quality do you need? (And is this a public school? Seriously, what kind of monkey gym are they running that they have to outlaw caffeine?)

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