Just in time for the holiday: Candy-ceuticals

“I have long dreamed of one day finding a way that people could enjoy all of the healthful, anti-oxidant, cholesterol lowering and weight management benefits of unprocessed chocolate without the usual consequences of sugar and artificial sweeteners.”

And MLK Jr. had a dream of equality and I have a dream of the Cubs going to the World Series. Well at least the dream of Dr. Keith Scott-Mumby is now a reality. “In fact, eating two pieces of The Doctor’s Chocolate each day relieves stress and puts the joy back in living.”

What is it that separates the Dr.’s candy from that of Messers Hershey & Nestle? In addition to the unprocessed -ness of the chocolate, it’s

“L-Theanine (Suntheanine), a natural amino acid found in green tea that promotes concentration and focus, while keeping the caloric content, fat, and sugar of each delicious truffle in check.”

YAY! No longer are you gorging on chocolate, now you are over-dosing on “medicine” as well! (Please pay no attention to this little sentence at the bottom of the page: “*Statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.”) Some of the statements that have not been evaluated:

Only 20 calories per piece
1 gram of fat – 3 net carbs
Low sugar – diabetic safe
Reduces sugar cravings

If the FDA hasn’t evaluated the product’s slogan — Piece, Love & Happiness — then I will. Get it right please: What’s so funny ’bout Peace, Love and Understanding? Recommended daily dosage from the good doctor: 2 pieces per day. Each piece weighs about 6 grams, which for us Americans means a little less than your average ball point pen. I’m sure we’re all going to eat our chocolate responsibly, right?

Lest one doubt whether or not the good Dr. Scott-Mumby is in fact a good doctor, look no further than the About page on his website:

In 1987, Dr. Keith made medical / legal history, when a UK Crown Court accepted his testimony that food allergies could promote violent, anti-social behavior and that these allergies were responsible for a young defendant’s criminal actions.

Yep. This guy actually got the Twinkie defense stand up in court. Then I’m definitely going to take his word about the chocolate.

The Doctor’s Chocolate — The preferred candy-ceutical of Penguins of Irony everywhere. Accept no substitutes, except no substitutes.

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