15 sayings from the great Zen masters of Texas

Guides to life from Ken Weaver’s inexplicably out-of-print book Texas Crude: The How-To on Talkin’ Texan.

  1. “Might as well. Can’t dance and it’s too wet to plow.”
  2. “I’ve enjoyed just about all of this I can stand.”
  3. “Anything not a mystery is guesswork.”
  4. “Ugly as death backing out of an [out]house reading Mad magazine.”
  5. “If I was doing any better I couldn’t stand it and the law wouldn’t allow it.”
  6. “Shoot low, they’re riding shetlands.” 
  7. He can’t find his ass in five tries.”
  8. “You’d complain if they were hanging you with a new rope.”
  9. “It’s getting drunk outside.”
  10. “I feel like I was shot at and missed, [spit] on and hit.”
  11. “Three things you need to know about plumbing: Water runs downhill, payday is Friday and don’t put your fingers in your mouth.”
  12. “Walk fast and look worried.”
  13. “You buy ’em books and you buy ’em books and they keep chewing on the covers.”
  14. “You can wish in one hand and [spit] in the other and see which one fills up first.”
  15. “Tougher than a Mexican family.”

3 thoughts on “15 sayings from the great Zen masters of Texas

  1. I believe I have heard several of these spoken in their native habitat, and have frequently employed #2 at the end of many a day working with folks who couldn’t pour p*ss out of a boot if the directions was on the heel. (But that was back in the day when I didn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to pour it out of. Excuse the dangling participle.)

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