Guides to life from Ken Weaver’s inexplicably out-of-print book Texas Crude: The How-To on Talkin’ Texan.
- “Might as well. Can’t dance and it’s too wet to plow.”
- “I’ve enjoyed just about all of this I can stand.”
- “Anything not a mystery is guesswork.”
- “Ugly as death backing out of an [out]house reading Mad magazine.”
- “If I was doing any better I couldn’t stand it and the law wouldn’t allow it.”
- “Shoot low, they’re riding shetlands.”
- “He can’t find his ass in five tries.”
- “You’d complain if they were hanging you with a new rope.”
- “It’s getting drunk outside.”
- “I feel like I was shot at and missed, [spit] on and hit.”
- “Three things you need to know about plumbing: Water runs downhill, payday is Friday and don’t put your fingers in your mouth.”
- “Walk fast and look worried.”
- “You buy ’em books and you buy ’em books and they keep chewing on the covers.”
- “You can wish in one hand and [spit] in the other and see which one fills up first.”
- “Tougher than a Mexican family.”
Collateral Damage 
thank you…very much 😉
I believe I have heard several of these spoken in their native habitat, and have frequently employed #2 at the end of many a day working with folks who couldn’t pour p*ss out of a boot if the directions was on the heel. (But that was back in the day when I didn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to pour it out of. Excuse the dangling participle.)
My favorite is the classic “all hat and no cattle”, often said of GWB.