Canada dealers selling Olympic brand drugs

Organized crime groups in British Columbia have gotten the true message of the Olympic™®© spirit: Money. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (DOORIGHT!) says groups from as far away as Nova Scotia are selling ecstasy pills bearing the Olympic logo. So far three people have been arrested.

"This typifies the marketing savvy used by organized crime groups to attract young customers by incorporating brightly coloured modern pop-culture symbols,” said the RCMP’s Craig Foley.

Vancouver’s Olympic organizing committee has vigorously pursued unlicensed use of the Olympic symbols in the past. A spokesman said the committee was aware of the seizure by Vancouver police and would continue to be vigilant in monitoring trademark infringements.

The lesson to be learned here: Buy the right to be the official illicit drugs of the Olympics™®© BEFORE you hit the streets.

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Canada: Shooting ducks good, poisoning bad

Ah, the omnivore’s dilemma.

The deaths of 500 ducks last week on a Syncrude Canada wastewater pond was unacceptable, Industry Minister Jim Prentice said during an acceptance speech after Canada was named “Country of the Year” by Energy Magazine.

Someone should ask the ducks which they prefer.

Bad brand ideas: Gasoline promises to be “terror-free”

Next time you’re in Omaha, Nebraska, take a quick stop by the corner of 129th & Q. There you will see the first location of Terror Free Oil, a new company that promises to only sell “Oil that does not come from the Middle East (Persian Gulf) or other countries whose regimes and/or populations are hostile towards the United States and its allies.” Which basically means the US and Canada, unless the Canadians get uppity. (Why do I think that for most of us the phrase “terror free gas” means it sells for less than $2 a gallon?)

Should you not have the fortune of living in Omaha but still wish to avoid terrifying gas, the TFEC maintains a list of oil companies that it believes only buy domestic dead dinosaur. These include Hess, Sunoco and a wonderful brand that I didn’t even realize was still with us: Sinclair.

I’m not sure exactly how you discern the provenance of petroleum. Does the 2007 Alaskan Sweet Crude really taste different than the same vintage from the Mid East? The TFEC itself admits that it can be difficult to make sure all their gas is devoid of corruption: “Oil is a fungible commodity, and gasoline from the international community gets mixed into the pipeline.” That said they do buy all their gas from Sinclair which the Dept. of Energy says only uses home brew.

Doing some driving abroad and want to top off with Good Guy Gas? In Brazil it’s safe to use Petrobras. Oddly, Yukos has also received the TFEC seal of Clean Living. Are we talking about the same Yukos that the Russian government basically took over? I don’t mean to speak ill of an ethnic group I’m descended from, but if Yukos isn’t paying off terrorists and mobsters to do business then they are the only such business in The Motherland.

Also, if this seems like an incredible business opportunity TFEC is offering the most reasonable franchise opportunities I’ve ever seen. Franchise fee: $1. In addition to only selling Good Guy Gas, franchisees must donate 1% of revenues to a counter-terrorism organization. Dibs on the CIA!

I feel safer already.

When rudeness is outlawed … you must be in Canada

Calgary, Alberta, has new regulations banning public fighting, spitting, defecation and urination, loitering or putting your feet up on public benches.

Good to see someone’s protecting our benches.

Technorati Tags: calgary, alberta, canada, regulations, fighting, spitting, defecation, urination, loitering, benches

Headline of the day: Penguins being sold to Canadian buyer

Lies! All Lies! They are safe here with me!

If I were a superhero©™ …

This is who I'd be:

Canada court rules Barbie is “superficial and bland.” Huzzah!

In what is clearly a triumph for common sense over trademark law, Canada's high court has decided that consumers won't confuse the lumps of plastic with the independent Montreal chain of Barbie restaurants.

Reuters reports that Justice Ian Binnie wrote, "There is no evidence that adult consumers would consider a doll manufacturer to be a source of good food, still less that the Barbie trademark would be understood to guarantee … 'character and quality'."

He quoted a dictionary definition of Barbie doll as "a female who is superficially attractive in a conventional way, especially with blue eyes and blond hair, but who lacks personality."

"In that regard, the association of the Barbie doll with food might be taken as a warning of blandness," Binnie jibed.

As a result of this ruling I am moving to Canada and opening a chain of GI Joe pastry shops. So there. 

All the donuts & shrapnel you can eat: Canadians going to Afghanistan to work at Tim Horton’s

When last we heard from Tim Horton's, the famous-for-Canada version of Dunkin Donuts, they were going the extra thousand miles and opening up a branch in Khandhar, Afghanistan, to serve the large contingent of Canadian troops stationed there. Well, apparently the Canadian economy must be in worse shape than we realized because 100 Canadians have applied for 15 jobs to sling joe in Afghanistan. How bad have things gotten in the Canuckian economy? The jobs only pay $8 an hour and that's in Canadian money so it's about the equivalent of 38 cents an hour in real money.

Not only can you not get drunk in a bar in Texas, but in Canada you can’t even be seen to have a beer. IN CANADA!

The Aussies continue to have good luck getting free PR. Turns out the Canuck ad authorities not only wouldn’t let them use the word hell in the ad, they had “to remove a shot showing a half-full glass of beer.” Oh, Canada…

Aussie tourism boss Fran Bailey continues laughing all the way to the bank on this one. “I still find the decision astonishing. What this decision shows is that Canada lags behind Americans, Brits and even Germans in the sense of humour stakes.” OOOOH, that hurts — less funny than the GERMANS? Canada has taken this insult seriously and announced they are sending all of their armed forces not currently serving at the Tim Horton’s in Afghanistan to invade Australia. Adding economic clout to this military threat, the Canadians say both of those people will fly on an airline that is not Qantas.

Aussie ad campaign continues on a roll

Man, those folks from Down Under sure know how to get the most for their ad dollar. Having previous reaped a whirlwind of free press from getting the “So where the bloody hell are you?” ad banned in the UK, they’re now doing it again — this time in Canada. The Canucks have banned the ad from TV and say there’s no point in the Aussie Tourism Minister coming to the Great White North to appeal the case as she did in the UK because they’re not going to change their minds. Well, I bet Ms. Bailey still makes the trip as the point of her trip won’t be to change the decision but to get publicity and I bet it will again work like a charm. Hmmmm, what mildly racey word can they put in the US version?

BREAKING NEWS!!! Turns out they didn’t have to ad anything to get free publicity in the US. Adjab points out that  the ever looney American Family Association (motto: We Make PETA Look Rational) has gone on the offensive and found something offensive. According to a story in the Sydney Morning Herald:

AFA members are expected to bombard Tourism Australia with thousands of emails and phone calls in coming weeks to vent their feelings. Members are also expected to boycott Australia as a holiday destination. “I just feel pretty sure the typical American family who is watching TV with their children and they’re exposed to this ad are going to be upset,” AFA director of special projects, Randy Sharp, said. “I don’t want my children to hear that phrase. It’s a shocking phrase because we’re not familiar with it. I guess they use it all the time in Australia, but it’s a foreign language here so I think it’ll have a negative impact rather than positive.”

Nervous Aussie tourism officials said losses from the AFA’s decision could mount into the high single digits. They were actually more worried as to what would happen after the boycott ended. “Wasn’t ’til they stopped the ‘cott of Ford that Ford really started to lose money,” said one Australian stereotype.

Don’t Randy Sharp’s quotes sound so dumb as to be made up? Sadly, it’s in keeping with everything else I’ve read about him. Can we nominate the AFA for some sort of award for “PR Person’s Best Friend”?

Decaf with sugar, two frosted and some body armor … to go

Tim Hortons, the famous-for-Canada version of Dunkin Donuts, is going the extra several thousand miles for Canadian troops and opening up a branch in Kandahar, Afghanistan. There are currently 2300 Canucks in the area, which means the morning rush is going to be amazing…