Somebody must have flipped off the Pope-mobile: Vatican issues 10 commandments for drivers

“Forgive me Father, for I have exceeded the speed limit.”

Apparently the Vatican has determined that cars are here to stay. Today the World’s Smallest Nation issued a

36-page document called “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road” contains 10 Commandments covering everything from road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping a car in good shape and avoiding rude gestures while behind the wheel.

OK, so I thought this was all covered under “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” and “Have no gods but God,” but what do I know? Unfortunately, this will now serve as a benchmark for Boston drivers (myself included). People will be saying, “I went 7 for 10 today!”

The Vatican’s recognition of the existence of cars a mere century+ after they were invented is a bit of a land-speed record for the Catholic Church. After all, this is the same institution that took four centuries to forgive Gallileo for being right about the Earth moving around the sun. Perhaps one of the reasons that the Vatican acted so quickly was its because of over-crowding. With 1000 cars, the city has a nearly 1:1 ratio of cars per person.

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Ultimate in Sports Marketing: Vatican considering pro soccer team

“I do not preclude the possibility that the Vatican, in the future, could put together a football team of great value, that could play on the same level as Roma, Inter Milan and Sampdoria.” — Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, Vatican Secretary of State

Get a red card, say 10 Hail Marys.

Mascot: A guy carrying a cross? A rock? Someone not eating meat on a Friday? A sheep?

Nickname: The Indulgences? The Infallibles? The Rhythm Method?

UPDATE: He was joking. I would put the Cardinal’s joke-telling abilities ahead of John Kerry but behind Gallagher. Next time smash a watermelon, your religiousness.

The TRUE dying Cub fan’s last request

Nothing quite goes together like baseball and fiery incineration, I say. That would explain the licensing agreement just signed between Major League Baseball and Eternal Image Inc., a company which produces caskets and urns. Now that’s co-branding. The scary thing is I know they’ll sell. While I wouldn’t expect there to be a lot of requests for stuff with the Devil Rays’ logo on it (although that may turn out to be a hit with the Satanists), I know more than a few people likely to want those for a lot of other teams. Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals … the list does go on. Cubs fans probably won’t be so interested though, they’ve already spent one eternity waiting to see their team rise again.*

However, there are far worse things than being buried in MLB copyrighted logos and colors. Eternal Image also a licensing agreements with Hallmark’s nauseating Precious Moments line. It would be like being buried in a Kewpie Doll. Still, that might be preferable to wearing Yankee pin stripes until the Second Coming or the heat death of the universe or whatever else you believe in. Eternal Image also has deals with the American Kennel Club and The Vatican Library Collection.

*FWIW, Mrs. Collateral Damage and I would like to invite you to a party we’ve been planning. It’s for sometime in the summer of 2008 and will be marking the centennial of the Cubs last winning the World Series. The exact date has yet to be determined because it will be on whatever day the Cubs are mathematically eliminated from play-off contention. While there are many who rightfully think we could hold the game on opening day, Mrs. CD is a stickler for accuracy and so we will wait until a little later in the season. This of course pre-supposes the Cubs will manage to not win (or even appear in) the Series in the next two years. A risk I’m willing to take.