Starbucks goes after Big Gulp crowd with new “trenta”

Quoth the Washington Post:

The new, nearly quart-size cups — meant only for iced coffee and tea — are available in 14 states starting today, and everyone, everywhere, should be able to indulge by early May. As the National Journal has pointed out with a handy chart, you will be indulging in a drink larger than most stomachs.

Trenta is Italian for 30 so it only makes sense that *$ new supersized drink contains … 31 ounces. (What’s wrong with Trentuno?)  Is anyone going to say, “Trenta-size me.”

Trenta joins other words repurposed by *$ like

• Venti – “fan” (French),  “wait” (Danish & Norwegian), 20 (Italian)
• Grande – “seniors" (French) or large (Spanish, Catalan, Italian)
• Tall – “I’m broke but want to hang out here anyway.”

Don’t know what they’ll charge for this beast but it shouldn’t be much more than a re-negotiated mortgage payment.

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Krispy Kreme finds “depression era” price for coffee doesn’t pay

Last fall Krispy Kreme tried to grab some market share in the Northwest by rolling back coffee prices to “Depression era” levels. The “New Deal” marketing effort cut prices from for a small from $1.45 to a nickel, mediums went from $1.65 to a dime and larges from $1.75 to 15 cents. It was A) a nice thing to do in this economy and B) KK figured that it made fiscal sense for them because they make most of their money from donuts not java.

At first things went well, very well. In March sales of Lutheran gasoline (mocha) were up 229 percent over pre-price cut. Melissa Allison, who covers coffee for the Seattle Times (that’s gotta be like having the philosophy beat in ancient Athens), says cheap joe may not be enough. Turns out people weren’t buying the baked goods needed.

Today Gerard Centioli, CEO of Icon LLC in Seattle, which co-owns (with Krispy Kreme) 12 stores in the Northwest and Hawaii, tells Allison (does she ever get confused about which of her names goes first?) that two of the stores now require you buy something baked in order to get the coffee deal.

"They were experiencing a level of coffee-only purchases which will cause us to either require a purchase or discontinue the program. If the test becomes permanent, we will develop marketing materials to communicate the change to our guests.”

Still a heck of a deal. Now all we need is a good five cent cigar to go with it.

Brand violation: Dunkin’ Donuts tries to go healthy

Dunkin’ Donuts will begin offering a new slate of better-for-you offerings in August. The menu, which will debut in stores Aug. 6, will feature two new flatbread sandwiches made with egg whites. Customers will be able to choose either a turkey sausage egg-white sandwich or a vegetable one. Both will be under 300 calories with 9 grams of fat or less, the company said. … The new menu will be called DDSmart and will include all current and new items that either have 25 percent few calories, sugar, fat or sodium than comparable products or contain ingredients that are “nutritionally beneficial,” the company said.

A)Health is not why anyone goes to DD — which was founded in Waltham and is by far the most ubiquitous franchise in Boston. DD is all about reliably bland and (compared to *$) inexpensive coffee and treats. Just the idea that they’ll be bringing vegetables into this temple of cream and sugar makes me unhappy.

B) In tough economic times people want comfort not health. I don’t give this thing a sugar cube’s chance in coffee of surviving.

Fastest growing UK demographic: Women alcoholics

Women drinking at home make up the biggest growth opportunity in the UK’s alcoholic beverages market, according to the latest Datamonitor forecast.

This means a major new source of customers for both the distillers and AA. Speaking of AA, a new study has scientifically proved the efficacy of their method of recovering from the effects of alcoholism:

In a study of more than 125,000 people, one cup of coffee per day cut the risk of alcoholic cirrhosis by 20 percent. Four cups per day reduced the risk by 80 percent. The coffee effect held true for women and men of various ethnic backgrounds.

Researchers offered no indication on whether the quality of the coffee effected the recovery. (A friend told me once that there is no such thing as coffee that is too bad for a member of AA to drink. I’ll take his word for it.)

Ironically being an actual tea-totaller doesn’t help.

The researchers found no reduced risk of cirrhosis for tea drinkers.

Which would, of course, be bad news for AA in the UK. 

Etc.

1. Hmmm, I need a five-word synonym for “slow news day.” Ah HA! “Woman Discovers Heart-Shaped Potato.”
2. I hate it when they're funnier than I am. From Ideagrove: Tom Cruise's Publicist Blames the Media for His Declining Popularity.
3. There are 924 different versions of Monopoly. And all of them suck.
4. Press release of the day: Folgers Redefines Coffee Category with the Introduction of Folgers Simply Smooth, the First Nationally Available Stomach-Friendly Coffee. No, really, I insist you take mine.
5. "eBay: New Zealand Not for Sale." Just as well, imagine the shipping charges.
6. Have you been to Gaping Void.com? You should even though "adrants is my favorite advertising blog. mean-spirited and nasty etc." Some people. He does cool stuff like the drawing at right so I'll cut him some slack. Slack. Slack. Slack. Slack.
7. FNORD.

Study: Coffee makes advertising better

Consumerist notes that we can expect the US to invade Brazil at any moment as the price of coffee looks to be going up for the next few years. Hope this one works out better than the war for lower gas prices has. 

This looks to have a radical impact on the marketing biz as Aussie scientists (Oz Boffins?) have discovered that nothing will cement a sale like a cup of java. Quoth the other ABC (Australian Broadcast Corp):

Researchers say a caffeine hit improves our ability to process information and increases the extent to which we listen to and take on board a persuasive message. 

The Boffins say companies "should schedule adverts for times when people are likely to be consuming caffeine, such as breakfast time." But that's only if you have a convincing argument. If you're trying to sell a bunch of crap than you want to get people when they're going on a java bender.

Drinking too much coffee, however, means we are more likely to be distracted by peripheral factors, rather than the strength of the argument. "So if you're looking at an advertisement you may be more distracted by the attractiveness of the person selling it than the actual product," he said. 

Get ready for Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks to be over-run by bikini babes waving strobe lights. Also, every used car lot will now offer all the free Red Bull you want.

Coffee mug pic courtesy of the amazing Too Much Coffee Man comic. Go here to read TMCM and/or buy the mug or other cool stuff. 

Decaf with sugar, two frosted and some body armor … to go

Tim Hortons, the famous-for-Canada version of Dunkin Donuts, is going the extra several thousand miles for Canadian troops and opening up a branch in Kandahar, Afghanistan. There are currently 2300 Canucks in the area, which means the morning rush is going to be amazing…