Tarted-up Perry The Platypus wins Toy group at Wesminster Dog Show

 

Last night an alleged “Pekingese” named Palacegarden Malachy won the Toy group at Westminster. HE IS AN IMPOSTER! As the pictures below prove “Malachy” is in actuality Perry The Platypus in shag carpeting!

J’Accuse!

My suspicions were raised when Mrs. CollateralDamage pointed out that someone had entered a cube of fur in the competition. As all right-thinking people know, the only cube-shaped animal is the brilliant co-star of the great Phineas & Ferb show. (See here for more photographic proof.) A little too appropriate that he won the Toy competition. I suspect the invisible hand of Disney marketing.

At least we finally know the answer to the eternal question, “Hey, where’s Perry?”

Advertisement

Break out the dumb animal stories ‘cuz it’s media silly season

August is when the media collectively takes a nap (tho’ individually it’s not always so), as a result this is the time of year when animal stories (shark gatherings, etc.) take over. They take the phrase dog days of summer very seriously.

Man arrested for barking at Michigan police dog

Pelican at Idaho zoo swallows cell phone

Polar bear Knut to get Italian girlfriend (so that’s what Berlisconi did with her!)

Hunt is on for Mongolian Death Worm (Band name alert: Mongolian Death Worm!)

Will the kangaroo ends romp through French countryside

Law may force Shanghai dogs to walk

Horse tramples car on Israeli highway

Newton dog park critics hire lawyer to make protests a federal case

 

Woof.

Best gratuitous Obama inauguration product tie-in

Proud smooth Dachshund in patriotic design for President-elect Barack Obama. Celebrate this historic inauguration! A mere $45 (shipping not included). Other breeds available.

A little help for the President-elect

There is clearly one major concern on the minds of the American public right now: What kind of dog will the First Family get?

Conservative writer Bill Kristol actually sees the dog issue as being a harbinger of doom for the GOP as it shows Obama may be the Next Great Communicator. (Great line: “If one were being churlish, one might say that it was typical of a liberal to promise the dog before delivering it. A results-oriented conservative would simply have shown up with the puppy without the advance hype.“) Perhaps one of the great unspoken and unintentional strategies of the campaign was to let voters know that a vote for Obama meant two cute girls would get a puppy. This is of course ironic because McCain already has a huge number of pets. It’s like seven dogs, some birds, cats, etc. Even given the unknown number of houses that’s a lot of pet. But here too people wanted change over experience.

Here, as the President-elect said, are the issues: “We have two criteria that have to be reconciled. One is that Malia is allergic, so it has to be hypoallergenic. There are a number of breeds that are hypoallergenic. On the other hand, our preference would be to get a shelter dog, but, obviously, a lot of shelter dogs are mutts like me. So — so whether we’re going to be able to balance those two things, I think, is a pressing issue on the Obama household.”

The answer is simple. You do as we did and go to one of the many breed-specific dog rescue societies and get a shelter dog of the type you need. I am sure they would all fall over themselves faster than puppies trying to get to a chew toy.

We recommend a pug from Pug Rescue of New England. I have no idea if pugs meet the allergenic criteria and I don’t care. What I do know is once you get a pug, you then have a pug and what could be better than that?

All is Well.

I’d vote for a Yellow dog no matter the party

FAIRHOPE, Ala. – One of the candidates in the race to become Fairhope’s next mayor is considerably more hairy than the rest. He also has twice as many legs and a constantly wagging tail. Wille Bean Roscoe P. Coltrane is a 7-year-old yellow Labrador retriever whose owner has taken a satirical poke at politics by launching the pooch into the race.

If elected Willie Bean will not be the nation’s first canine mayor, nor its first Labrador one.

In 2004, Rabbit Hash, Ky., elected Junior Cochran, a black Lab, as mayor. It was the second canine elected to lead the small Northern Kentucky town, according to the town’s Web site. The first was a mutt named Goofy Borneman, according to Laurie Lamblin, a resident and employee of the town’s historic general store.

A moment of silence is in order.

Mayor Cochran (“Mayor Junior” to his many friends) died two months ago.

During his time in office the mayor served as mascot for the Northern Kentucky Women’s Crisis Center’s pet protection program, helped raise money at benefits by manning kissing booths, was the subject of a 2006 TV special on Animal Planet, and in 2004 he helped dedicate an Underground Railroad Memorial in the town. I’ve known mayors who’ve done far less.

All water dishes will remain half-filled during the official period of mourning.

BTW, in 1986 Lajitas, Texas, elected Clay Henry, a beer-drinking goat, as mayor. Boston also had a beer drinking goat as mayor at the time, his name was Ray Flynn. Wait. He wasn’t a goat.

Excuse me, I do believe I may be moving to Rabbit Hash.

PS: Headline explained here.

Massachusetts safe from the threat of pet rental

The  Massachusetts House of Representatives has passed a bill that would protect all of us voters from a looming danger — PET RENTAL!

The bill, filed by Representative Paul K. Frost, Republican of Auburn, outlaws pet-rental companies because of what he called “public health, public safety, consumer concerns, and ethical issues.”

“I’m very pleased we were able to get it passed today and engrossed in the House,” Frost said. “It’s a kind of business model that fosters disposable pets.”

Earlier this month, Boston city councilors voted to ban the Flex Petz pet-rental company from opening a Boston branch because of similar concerns, said Frost.

Flex Petz, founded by Marlena Cervantes in 2007, currently operates in New York, Los Angeles, and London. It has been recently criticized by many animal activist organizations.

This is probably the greatest piece of legislation since it tried to ban Marshmallow Fluff two years ago. I know I feel better knowing that this important issue has been dealt with. I can only hope that the Senate and the governor understand the urgency of the threat poised by a company THAT DOESN’T EVEN OPERATE IN THE STATE. I hope the US government and the UN will also act as this is a international issue. Two months ago
we reported on the disturbing trend of Dog rental companies taking off in Tokyo! (Please ignore any comments I made about wanting to start a franchise here as a way to get more dogs in to my life. I misspoke or quoted myself out of context or something.)

I turned to an expert source for more informed opinion on this issue, my Office Manager (right). She said, and this is a verbatim quote, “Snort snuffle snort snort snuffle.”

Remember: When renting pets is outlawed only outlaws will rent pets!

Dog rental companies taking off in Tokyo

NOT AN APRIL FOOLS!

Puppy the World is a dog rental store. You can choose small, medium, or large breeds and rent them for $19/hr, or $100 a night. They have everything from chihuahuas to labs to border collies to papillons—and you get a 5% discount at the cafe if you rent one!

Let me know if they are franchising in the US.

The self-shaking salt shaker & other gadgets no one needs

Pull the string on the shaker and it vibrates so the salt or pepper comes out. Because wiggling your fingers is too hard, that’s why. Yeah, but I still have to pick it up in the first place! No word on internet connectivity or whether or not there is a social networking site for this.

However that is not the case with this next item: Feed your pet via the internet! For a mere $300, you can keep an eye on your pets when you’re not home “with the power of Ergo Pet Feeders and INSTEON home control technology. Our pet feeding & viewing kit allows you to both feed your pets & view them from a computer anywhere in the world. You can also automatically have images of your pets at feeding time emailed to you on at scheduled times.“Personally, I would rather they come up a device that lets me handle the pet’s output by remote — the input I don’t mind.

Scientists have finally created a product that will solve a problem which has vexed humanity for millennia! It’s an onion that won’t make you cry when you slice it. “Scientists in New Zealand and Japan have created a ‘tear-free’ onion using biotechnology to switch off the gene behind the enzyme that makes us cry.” Its so nice to know that scientists are resting on their laurels now that they’ve ended cancer, hunger and the energy crisis.

Non-stick gum, balsa Humvees, cell phones for dogs and other brilliant new products

Who says innovation is dead? Found out about all of the following this week:

• Brit scientists have developed chewing gum that isn’t so sticky. That’s a lock for winning an IgNoble Prize.
• The Army is testing a Humvee made from “a combination of fiberglass, balsa wood, foam and carbon reinforcements all held together with resin.” Wonder if SSG Big Brother Collateral Damage thinks this as all that different from what we currently have?
• Oh, that Green Lantern ring is so passe. Today’s superhero wears a blue apple ring!
• A high-tech yoga mat with built in MP3 player and speakers. Isn’t high tech exactly what yoga shouldn’t be?
• Frozen yogurt for … your dog. “Yöghund is organic frozen yogurt for dogs. Yöghund is completely organic, and made from a mixture of organic yogurt, banana, peanuts and spring water.”
• And what could be dumber than that? How about a cell phone for dear old Rover? For a mere $499 + monthly charges you can get “PetsCell, a GPS enabled cellphone designed exclusively for the canine members of the family. … [It] attaches to your dog’s collar and also has a nifty geo-fence feature which will alert you if your dog decides to wander outside his pre-defined enclosure. The PetsCell is waterproof as well, to ensure that you can get through even when Bruno’s decided to take a dip in the pool. It automatically answers your call (only from pre-programmed numbers).” Can Rover record a greeting for it?

My what a big pink Hummer you have

Dr. Freud! Dr. Freud! Paging Dr. Freud!

A UK company has made explicit what it is that makes SUVs quite so appealing to men. Notice how the elongated pink vehicle sits between the rounded turrets and blocks the entrance to the castle from all lesser SUVs.

And while we’re on the topic of obvious, sophomoric humor: Wanko — the yum dog ice-cream from Japan. “When I suck onto my favorite flavored Popsicle, my mutts stare at me with begging eyes……..for may just one slurp! And why not, a man’s best friend should also get an icy-deal to beat the sizzling summer heat. People in Japan can indulge their pets to this dog-flavored ice-cream called Wanko.” Oh behave!

Just in case this isn’t enough giggling over names that mean one thing in English and another in whatever other language, a caption from a picture: “A four-day old baby hippopotamus hides under its 9-year-old mother Porn at Chiang Mai night safari zoo in Chiang Mai province, northern Thailand, Sunday, Aug. 5, 2007.” What’s the kid’s name? Star? BTW, regardless of their names both are incredibly cute.

When making faces at dogs is outlawed, only outlaws will make faces at dogs — in Vermont

Jayna Hutchinson, 33, of Lebanon, N.H., was charged with cruelty to a police animal and resisting arrest after a July 31 incident in West Fairlee, VT. Police responding to the report of a brawl were approached by Hutchinson, who told one officer she had been assaulted the day before by one of the men in the brawl.

Vermont State Police Sgt. Todd Protzman declined to take her statement on the grounds that she was drunk but offered to take her statement at another time.

Hutchinson then approached Protzman’s cruiser, where his dog Max was waiting.

Putting her face within inches of the window and “staring at him in a taunting/harassing manner,” Protzman wrote in an affidavit. “While the defendant taunted my canine, Max was focused on the defendant and the perceived threat she presented to him,” the affidavit said. “He was no longer focused on me and the other officers at the scene.”

Best quote goes to state attorney Will Porter, who subsequently dropped the charges:

“I think it was going to be difficult to prove her conduct changed the dog’s behavior,” Porter said. “Most of the time (in harassment cases) people would come tell the court what it felt like. Dogs can’t do that.”

Woof.

Early pick in the Ig Noble Awards race: Scientists discover secret to beer foam

Writing in the prestigious British science journal Nature, an elite scientific duo say they have devised an equation to describe beer froth. The breakthrough will not only settle the vexatious lager vs. stout debate, it will also help the quest to pour a perfect pint every time.

This easily equals last year’s winner in the physics category for research into why, when you bend dry spaghetti, it often breaks into more than two pieces.

I hope this year’s awards will include a special PT Barnum citation for Eli Lilly which just got FDA approval for Reconcile, a drug that treats separation anxiety in dogs.

Sex toys and food — are these really products you want to share with your dog?

Someone must thinks so.

Cases in point:

1. “Is your dog in heat and humping anything it can wrap its horny little legs around? Are you constantly having to pry your promiscuous pooch off the legs of guests, parents and members of your church? Protect your leg from a hump attack by getting Scruffy a Hotdoll.” Yes, there’s a picture of the thankfully-still-theoretical product.
2. Worried about all that tainted pet food out there? How’s about being your dog’s food tester? Yes, thanks to celebrity oddity Dick van Patten (nice hat) you can open one can for both of you. His new Eatables line of pet foods comes in Irish Stew, Chinese Take-out with Sauce, Hobo Chili, Southern Style Dumplin’s with Gravy. Coming soon: Spaghetti with Beef in Meat Sauce. And if you don’t like it, you can give it to a poor person! (FYI, I love dogs. When we got our last dog, Bear, I was so happy I cried. BUT PLEASE do not treat your pets better than your fellow human. And don’t treat your fellow humans as badly as many people treat animals.)

When barking dogs are outlawed, only outlaws will have dogs that bark and maybe that’s not a bad idea

Turns out that barking is not protected by the first amendment. “The North Dakota Supreme Court has rejected a claim that an anti-barking ordinance is unconstitutional.” Fortunately the plaintiff has promised to appeal. Woof.

Westminster Kennel Club finally gets it right

They named the English Springer Spaniel as Best In Show. The fact that my last dog, Bear, was an ESP has nothing to do with the fact that I think the ESP should ALWAYS be best in show. Absolutely nothing. I am totally unbiased and impartial. Totally. (Although sometimes I think it’s OK to name the bulldog. Sometimes. See I told you I was unbiased. And I must confess to briefly being taken by last night’s Bouvier. Briefly. And I really like Aussie Sheep and Cattle dogs, too. And mutts. I really like mutts. Shouldn’t they have a Best Mutt in Show?)

Best. Picture. Of. A. Puli. Ever.