Thank God for the judiciary: Ruling finds a burrito is not a sandwich

I was OK when Massachussett’s judges ruled that gays and lesbians have the same right to need a divorce attorney as the rest of us do, but this is going too far. Panera Bread sued to prevent a Qboda Mexican Grill from moving into a Shrewsbury mall where Panera already resided (Panera’s lease barred the mall from renting to another sandwich shop, see.) But Superior Court Judge Jeffrey A. Locke decided the case was all fluff and no peanut butter.

In what must have been some of the funniest testimony on record, both Cambridge chef Chris Schlesinger and a former high-ranking USDA official said that a burrito is not a sandwich. In case that wasn’t enough expertise, the judge said he also relied on the definition supplied by the Webster’s Third New International Dictionary.

Your honor I must object. It has bread. It has a filling. It is a sandwich. And yes I know I’ve just opened the door to everything from knishes to pirogi to calzones being declared a sandwich but I don’t care. It’s the principle that matters. Or maybe it’s the cheese…

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What The Fluff? fest comes to town

Loyal reader doubtless remembers how passionate we are about Marshmallow Fluff here in the Bay State (where it was invented). Earlier this year a state rep stepped in to the fluff when he offered a bill that would ban the corn-syrup based concotion from being served in public schools. The measure was withdrawn after opponents pointed out that Fluff was no more or less harmful than the corn-syrup based “jelly” that the schools also use. (This would seem an argument for banning both, but never mind.) Also, last spring Fluff purveyors Durkee-Mower sued the far-more upscale Williams-Sonoma to stop them from purveying a candy called Fluffernutter.

All of which goes to explain why this Saturday I will have the opportunity/duty to attend What The Fluff in Somerville, MA. The event bills itself as “the ultimate tribute to Union Square resident Archibald Query who invented Marshmallow Fluff here in 1917.

Non-marshmallow treats include:

  • The Flufferettes (aka Thru the Keyhole Cuties)
  • Music from Los Diablos, “the reigning ‘Kings of Irish-Jewish Folk-Punk'”
  • A cooking contest with prizes that include: “a trip for two in a chauffeured Zip Car (BMW or convertible Mini-Cooper) to Lynn for a private tour of the Durkee-Mower factory, a year’s supply of Marshmallow Fluff and more”

The local drinking establishments are also joining in with Fluffy potent potables including the Fluffachino — espresso with frangelico or amaretto with Fluff melting on top, the Fluffernutter Martini — a chocolate martini with Fluff and Reese’s Pieces on the rim, and — the “Coney Island Men’s Room” — blue martini with dollop of strawberry Fluff floating on top. I do not say the following lightly: I was never, ever so drunk that any of those would have been appealing. (Does anyone know what an actual martini is anymore?)