An Expose of the Baby-Industrial Complex

This story I wrote years ago about how marketers prey upon the self-inflicted fears of new parents has been getting a lot of traffic of late, so I thought I’d give it a plug.

FIRST, LET’S DISPENSE WITH any pretense of objectivity, I am a paranoid, first-time parent. As I write this, my son Greg is playing quietly and contentedly in his room. At one year old, he coos, takes tentative steps, laughs, screams like the devil’s on his tail when he wants to, beats his arm in time to music (at least as well as his father), and in general seems to thoroughly enjoy his life.That’s why I’m convinced he’s autistic.

Either that or it’s another neurological malady no one will notice until it’s far too late. Yesterday he was scratching at a bug bite, and I instantly knew it was lyme disease. Today he is crying more than usual, which means he is undoubtedly suffering from the first horrible arthritic symptoms of the disease.

I am not alone in this private hell. My wife has diagnosed nearly as many ailments as I have. Her biggest fear seems to be breathing stoppage. Not choking, just immediate, independent cessation, sort of like spontaneous human combustion of the lungs. This is what exposure to too many warnings about sudden infant death syndrome will do to you.

All of which makes us only slightly less rational than any of the other new parents we know. It also makes us the perfect marks for the Baby Industrial Complex (BIC), whose motto seems to be: If You Scare Them, They Will Spend. The BIC’s ad campaigns have refined this application of guilt and fear to a fine art. Their message: You are a bad parent. Your child is going to die a horrible death unless you buy our products.

You can read the rest here if you want.

(BTW, just so you can gauge the accuracy of my predictions: Greg is fine and finishes sixth grade this month. Well, at least I think he’s fine — there’s always the chance he has … )

School Supt. “Candidate says bulletproof books could save lives in school shootings”

Because nothing beats fear-mongering when it comes to pandering for votes, that’s why.

(Link via TechDirt)

Y’know the more of this there is the harder it is to remember that BulletProofBaby.Net is satire.

MenckenThe whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. ” — Mencken.

Latest development in parental paranoia: GPS trackers in the kids clothes

A popular school uniform company in the UK is considering adding satellite tracking devices to its clothing so parents will know where their children are. As a parent, I applaud the idea, but realistically, what teenager is going to wear GPS clothing, never mind the fact that most kids don’t want to wear uniforms to begin with. Trutex reports that 59 per cent of the parents they interviewed would buy the uniforms, but there’s no word on pricing or a tentative release date. Now if they would just develop a small GPS transmitter we could slip into our children’s backpack, then we’d be in business.

meerkatWhy not just use one of those collars like they do on Meerkat Manor?

Baby Einstein only works on grown up suckers

Science confirms common sense:

For every hour per day spent watching baby DVDs and videos, infants aged 8 to 16 months understood an average of six to eight fewer words than babies who did not watch them, Frederick Zimmerman of the University of Washington and colleagues found.

Y’know, the basics of raising a baby really haven’t changed in a few thousand years. What do babies want/need? Being hugged and talked to and played with. You want your kid to be smarter? Get down on the floor and have a TICKLE PARTY!!!

That’s just one of the great things about babies…