Why I don’t go to major league baseball games

My wife will tell you that it’s not so much that I love baseball as much as it is part of my DNA. The soundtrack in my car from late March to late October because is whatever baseball game I can find on the radio. On May 20th, 21st and 22nd The Chicago Cubs – a team I have loved since growing up in Chicago – will play The Boston Red Sox – a team I have loved since I was 9 when we moved to Providence, RI, and I decided that it wasn’t cheating on your 1st team if the 2nd team was in a different league – will be playing each other at Fenway Park.

Here’s how much I am devoted to the two:

• I am still upset that Ernie Banks never got to play in the World Series.
• When someone asks how long I’ve lived in Boston I reply, “Since the spring after the ‘86 [World] Series.”

Until 2004, I reveled in loving the two most ill-fated teams in baseball. While that had its charms, I am quite content that only one of my beloveds is a constant reminder of the fickleness of probability.

Because of all this and knowing full-well that tickets were absurdly expensive, I went to see if maybe I could afford one in some far-distant bleacher seat with nearly totally obscured view of the field. The least expensive price for just such a seat: $99.

Out of curiosity, I went to see the cost least expensive ticket I could find for any game Red Sox at Fenway. So I looked at the cost for tickets to a Wednesday day game vs. The San Diego Padres, a team that will be lucky if it finishes above Baja this year. $46 for a seat in that weird little triangle in the center field bleachers.

Meanwhile, 45 minutes away in Pawtucket, RI, the best seats in the house for the Sox AAA farm team go for $11. For the AA team in Portland, ME: $9. For the single A Lowell Spinners $10. For the independent league Brockton Rox: $15 and that includes waiter service. If you want basically the same seats and are willing to get your own damn snacks: $9.50.

I’ll see you in Brockton. Bill Buckner, whom I have truly always admired, is managing and I’m pretty sure he’ll give me an autograph for no extra charge.

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I’ve enjoyed about as much of this as I can stand

• Upgraded the cell phone today and found out about the latest in wireless ripoffs: Got charged $10 to transfer my phone book from the old phone to the new. If my knowledge of electronics is right (well, it could happen) that means a profit of about $9.98 for Verizon. Oh, and I love the fact that they charge extra for a carrying case. Interesting loyalty builder — I pretty much only considered Motorola phones because I have a bunch of their chargers.
• Neotopia is a red state! Both Mrs. Collateral Damage and CDjr spend a fair amount of time on the marketing collosus that is Neopets. He got her hooked. I got no problem with that. There are several word games they play. Two words that the games won’t recognize as legitimate words: sex and cards.
• File under: Nice work if you can get it. Some ignorant legislator in Illinois is objecting to the fact that comedian Bernie Mac is going to be paid $500K this year for lending “his name and likeness for two TV ads, two radio ads and the lottery Web site for one year.” This amounts to roughly 2.5 days of work which means Mr. Mac is getting $23K an hour. Not sure, but I think that’s more than the minimum wage. Mr. Mac must be doing a heck of a job, as this is $80K more than he earned for doing the exact same thing last year. Now for entirely self-serving reasons, I have to say WAY TO GO DUDE! Don’t forget us, your less talented brethren in the comedy field.
• Two more product placements in The Sopranos last night. Sigh. Do it all you want on 2.5 Men or American Idol, but please can we leave it out of the little actual art on the airwaves? (David Fine is doing a better job of tracking this than I am, FYI.)
• No apology needed. TOKYO (Reuters) – A Japanese teacher, gripped by the baseball fever that seized the nation during a game with bitter rival South Korea, was forced to apologize after watching the game in a classroom where students were taking a test. In the Boston School system you get reprimanded for not having the game on. More true tales of Collateral Damage: In the week that lead up to the Bucky BLEEPING Dent game in ’78, all the nuns and lay teachers at St. Patrick’s Word of God in Providence RI — an evangelical Catholic institution where I went for jr. high school — just happened to have a radio on for all the day games. This was my first insight into what the phrase “Grace of God” was all about. Bumpersticker seen in the parking lot of McCoy Stadium in Pawtucket (pronounced peh-tuckit), home of the Triple AAA Red Sox team The PawSox (not pronounced peh-sux) in the late 80s: My daughter may be a whore, but at least she’s not a Yankee fan.