Is DiGiorno Pizza’s “Wyngz” the WORST product name ever?

Well, probably not. But it’s up there, that’s for sure. As Steven Colbert explains, the name is the result of a horrible combination of Federal regulation and Kraft’s desire for something trademarkable™. According to the Feds, if a “wing-shaped” or “bite-size appetizer product” doesn’t contain any “wing meat” it cannot be labeled as a “chicken wing.” And Pizza and Nuggets sounds like a kids meal. Memo to the fine folks at Kraft’s marketing department: You really didn’t need to ™, ®, or © the name. No one else will ever use it.

Here’s another issue: How do you order one of these? (We’ll leave the question of why for another day.) Is it a Wyng™? Or is Wyngz™ itself the singular and the plural is Wyngzes™? Also, these are described as “boneless Wyngz™.” Does that mean there is a version with a Wyngz™ bone still in it?

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Domino’s realizes it makes really bad pizza

Did you know Domino’s makes lousy pizza? While this is well known throughout the rest of the nation it seems to have just become known to those at Domino’s HQ. (Only possible explanation: The execs make too much money to eat their own product.)

For a while the company tried — and failed — to make up for this by offering its product in other forms (Bread sticks! Bread bowls! Dessert Pizza!).

Now it is facing the issue head-on by saying anything that might have gone wrong is all in the past.

I love the way the execs talk about how upset they are about everyone saying the crust tastes like cardboard. They never actually apologize for making lousy pizza or explain why it happened.

Best example is this quote from company prez Patrick Doyle: “Some people didn’t give us credit for the taste of our product. That’s what we’re fixing.”

What the hell does that mean? They’re fixing people not giving them credit?

Then there’s the head chef saying, “It hit you in the heart. This is what I’ve been doing for 25 years now.” Which begs the question – Why are you still employed?

The company seems to have copied the entire ad from another Michigan based firm – GM. Like GM’s classic weasel words mea culpa, this one starts with a call to the old days when the firm was great. Except in Domino’s case the firm was never great. It was (and is) big and profitable. But it has always been known for making a product was cheap and vaguely edible, a boon to students everywhere. Harking back to that is just bizarre.

The CMO talks about how they couldn’t just tinker but had to start over from the beginning. Starting over means including such innovative things as garlic, oregano and basil. WOW!!! How the hell did they think of this?

This is all part of a classic PR strategy of immediately saying the problem is in the past even if it’s the first time it has ever been mentioned. This approach was best summed up by that great business writer Christopher Marlowe. In his play The Jew Of Malta the character Barabas brushes away any insinuation he has done wrong saying, “But that was in another country; and besides, the wench is dead.”

Pizza chain offers cheesy apology for insulting LeBron James

In an effort to have their vaguely pizza-like product and eat it too, Papa John’s “issued an apology to Cleveland and the Cavaliers for making T-shirts with LeBron James‘ number and the word ‘crybaby’ under it.”  On Thursday Cleveland residents will be able to get a large, one-topping alleged pizza from the chain for 23 cents, James’ jersey number. The company is also kicking in $10K to a charity sponsored by the Cavaliers.

Second prize is two Papa John’s pizzas for 23 cents.

Yes I know there are places in this nation where Papa John’s is considered good pizza. I weep for those places. In Boston we have places that have already been closed by the Health Department that make better.

Court rules on the obvious: The words “Irish” & “Pizza” should never go together

An Irish court has found against a Belfast pizzeria that sued a newspaper for libel over a bad review.

Why is it that when I think Irish pizza I imagine something with cabbage and corned beef on it?*

And, speaking from experience here, if you’re ever in Dublin — FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T GO OUT FOR CHINESE!

*FWIW: Mr. Collateral Damage’s mom’s last name is Byrne and her hair is red. Her mum was a Cremin. She’s one of the real Irish who would just as soon kill you for mentioning leprechauns and such.

Advertisers use milk cartons & report cards to get in to school

Kids, schools and advertising — three great tastes that don’t taste great together.

• In Florida, the Seminole County Public Schools have been running what they call “the report card incentive” with local purveyors of fast-food. In return for the $1,600 cost of printing the report cards, the eateries get a full page ad that goes to & fro from home three times a year. This year’s sponsor is McDonald’s. For the previous decade it was Pizza Hut. Given that the feces has just hit the fan over this I’d say the businesses got a pretty good ROI. I’d say the kids got a pretty lousy ROI, though.
• Then there’s this wonderful press release: “In a nutshell, MilkMedia, through their partner dairies, has the ability to promote musical artists/entertainment figures on up to 24 million branded cartons of milk per day sold in schools (see carton mock-up below). That is the sum total of milk sold daily in more than 90,000 elementary, middle and high schools nationwide (a clearance of approximately 95% of all US schools). Additionally, Milk Rocks! Is able to place posters in lunchrooms in 20,000 middle and high schools across the country. Combined, these two outlets deliver billions of impressions in a venue that previously has been difficult, if not impossible to reach. Additionally, Milk Rocks!, with the blessing of schools, delivers to students, branded book covers and other fun, kid-friendly materials.“

The above comes from Shar Van Boskirk at Forrester’s marketing blog (Title: Forrester’s Marketing Blog — they need to some work on the branding, IMO.)

While the entire thing makes me want to swear off bovine secretions forever, the best line has to be: “Milk Rocks!, with the blessing of schools, delivers to students, branded book covers and other fun, kid-friendly materials.”

1. Giving blessings isn’t the business of schools.
2. What definition of “kid-friendly” includes advertising?

The latest in nutraceuticals: Anti-aging pizza

Eugenio Luigi Iorio, a nutritionist and biochemist at the University of Naples, has invented the “primula” pizza– which has three times the fiber and more magnesium and iron than a regular pizza. The pizza, created  with Cosimo Mogavero — owner of a restaurant called La Fabbrica dei Sapori (The Taste Factory) restaurant — features at least eight vegetables or sauces in the pizza allegedly create the anti-oxidant effects against ageing: tomatoes, rocket, garlic, courgettes, basil, mushrooms, carrots and spinach.

Best part of the story: Someone is protesting. A group called The True Neapolitan Pizza Association, which must exist only so reporters have someone to call on a slow news day, says the wholemeal flour that goes into the primula prevents the characteristic crust from forming. Best line of the story: “The association has complained in the past about the sale of pizza-by-the-slice.”

Now that’s something worth protesting about.

Sparklers, snakes & salutes*

• Fun story over at PingMagazine about an artist who is mixing Chinese socialist realist style with Western brands.
• The company I keep. Echelon Marketing Group’s blog has links to six other business sites: McKinsey & Co., Booz Allen Hamilton, the WSJ, Ad Age, Harvard Business Review and … CollateralDamage? Talk about one of these things is not like the others. I sense a medical exam for someone on the webside at Echelon.
• Toothless Invective and Rhapsodic Blather. Great name, fun blog & I have no idea who is behind it but hey they linked to me.
• The US National Hurricane Center continues to scare me by predicting there will be no tropical storm activity through tomorrow. I have a bad case of the lady doth protest too much about this. Why no word on asteroids colliding with the earth, tsunami knocking over cruise ships, towering inferni or giant radioactive bugs? Be afraid, be very afraid.
• Bet they stiffed him on the tip. Australian movie director Paul Fenech has set a world record by travelling 12,500 miles to deliver a pizza. He claimes that his three-day journey from Australia to New Zealand via Spain was aimed to raise awareness of the youth cancer charity CanTeen but I think he just got lost and this was the only excuse he could come up with.
• Meryl Streep, babe. I am a long time Meryl fan, OK. She’s a great actress, we all know that. But then I started to see the pix from The Devil Wears Prada and WOW. She’s my new pinup girl, er, woman.

*Salutes was what we in RI called the basic small firecracker that you would light up and it would go bang without damaging your hand if you were dumb enough to have it explode on you (refuses to disclose how he knows this but OWWW). What are these called elsewhere in the US?