Press release wants you to “Celebrate Hitler’s Birthday by Knowing the Truth about Christianity, Nazism, and the Holocaust”

MEDIA ADVISORY, April 20 /Christian Newswire/ — In a book released today, on Hitler’s birthday, Author Joe Keysor combats the growing charge that Christianity fed the Nazi purge of the Jews and Hitler’s hatred in his book "Hitler, the Holocaust, and the Bible: A Scriptural Analysis of Anti-Semitism, National Socialism, and the Churches in Nazi Germany."

Many Christians are unaware that their faith is being painted more and more as the reason for Hitler’s hatred for the Jews and the cause of the Holocaust. "New" Atheists like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris are doing their best to depict all religion as dangerous and Christianity included. Other secularists have continued this train of thought by asserting that Hitler was a Christian.

Ummmm, “celebrate”?

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Press release alleges I am “part of a select group of media purchase influencers”

As a part of a select group of media purchase influencers, we will pay you $20.00 in return for completing our Media Influencer Survey. You will also receive special highlights of the results after you finish the survey. It’s our way of thanking you for your participation. We’ll also send the Advertiser Optimism Report to your email, which includes study results from the most recent wave of our bimonthly tracking study. The survey should take less than 30 minutes to complete.

If I’m influencing anyone to purchase any media they really need to look for a new line of work. Maybe I have a reverse influence — “well, if he hates it it’s got to be popular.”

The “Advertiser Optimism Report”? They’re going to send me a blank email?

“Billionaires & Other Experts Refuse to Cave in to ‘Recession’; They’re Making More Money Now than Ever” – from suckers like you

Press release of the day (emphasis added):

Billionaires, Multi-millionaires & Real Estate Gurus & experts have joined together to help one another and make more money than ever. Lawrence “LG” Loik, the president & founder of The Real Estate Investor Network states that “these entrepreneurs & experts want to give back to society” and are showing anyone from any economic environment how to “get back on their feet & beat the recession.” Loik announced the opening of the “SuperCamp Series” in Los Angeles on May 2-3. The Official name is, The Deal Maker Summit & Masters of Real Estate Marketing SuperCamp.

They want to give back to society by taking money from it.

One of the speakers: Donald “King of Bankruptcy” Trump. I’d rather listen to Rick Wagoner.

Microsoft reveals previously unknown gift for satire

This is from The Waffle Group blog — where it really is all about the syrup:

It certainly seems that Microsoft are moving into the scathing humour industry when one looks at this press release entitled “Microsoft Brings Holiday Cheer on a Budget to Hispanic Families With Microsoft Office 2007 and Microsoft Office 2007 Language Pack in Spanish.”

Honestly, that really is the headline. Holiday Cheer on a Budget! With Microsoft Products! Now in Spanish!

It’s either satire, or Microsoft are using their system administrators to write press releases.

Damn! Wish I’d found this first. You really owe it to yourself to read the rest of the post.

Top 10 Marketing Blunders of 2008

Yeah, there’s a lot more than 10 here. What can I say? It was a very good year for very bad things.

(PS: If you liked this would you mind going here and voting for it on Digg?)

GRAND PRIZE FOR SUSTAINED ORGANIZATIONAL EFFORT

(tie)

The John McCain Presidential Campaign

• “Our economy, I think, is still — the fundamentals of our economy are strong.”
• Has no idea how many houses he (or his wife) owns.
• Picks Sara Palin, the Broad to Nowhere who couldn’t find Russia or Africa on a map.
• Campaign adviser and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina says Palin couldn’t run a major corporation.
• Campaign adviser and former senator Phil Gramm says Americans are whiners about economic problems.
• “Shutting down” his campaign to fix the bailout.
• “Lipstick on a pig”
• Egregious attack on Dungeons & Dragons that clearly cost him the election. (OK, maybe not so much the last one).

GM

• June: with gas heading to $4-a-gallon, company announces it is trying to sell the Hummer brand. As of today, sale is still pending.
• August: with gas at $4-a-gallon, company announces it will take the bold move of investing “$500 million to build a new fuel-efficient, small car the automaker says will show it can make money in head-to-head competition with its Japanese rivals as it fights to return to profitability.”
• October: Asks Treasury Dept. for $10 billion to pay for proposed merger with Chrysler
• Early November: car company that already isn’t selling cars argues it can’t file for bankruptcy because “people won’t buy cars from a bankrupt car company.”
• Late November: leads troika of Detroit CEOs to DC to ask for taxpayer money to balance the books. Each flies in on wings of attitude and three separate corporate jets.
• December: runs weasel-word mea culpa in Automotive News: “While we’re still the U.S. sales leader, we acknowledge we have disappointed you. At times we violated your trust by letting our quality fall below industry standards and our designs become lackluster. We have proliferated our brands and dealer network to the point where we lost adequate focus on our core U.S. market. We also biased our product mix toward pick-up trucks and SUVs. And, we made commitments to compensation plans that have proven to be unsustainable in today’s globally competitive industry.“

Runners Up

1. Ford features “Space Oddity” — a song about astronaut suicide — in new car campaign.
2. Framingham State College  uses the word blah 137 times in a 312-word fundraising letter.
3. Disney (multiple entries): Bans kids from DisneyWorld restaurant; Changes “It’s A Small World” to “A Salute to All Nations, But Mostly America”; and Sells “High School Musical” panties for tween girls with the phrase “Dive In” on them.
4. Woolworths (UK) launches Lolita brand of beds for young girl
5. JetBlue lives up to Southwest’s parody ad by charging for pillows.
6. Russia uses smiling kids in tourism ad for war zone
7. Residents of Lesbos sue those other lesbians over brand name
8. Motrin gets headache from viral moms video
9. Butcher’s ads feature “Meat Products, Fresh Service” on naked woman
10. Hershey asks if you’ve found Mr. Goodbar

Special Jury Awards

Co-Branding That Shouldn’t Have Been

• Windows Vista toilet paper
• The Muppets appear on DVD for Law & Order: SVU
  
• Barbie® Rice Krispies® Treats
• P&G starts hip-hop record label (Bounce® and Beyonce? Jay Z and Oral B®? 50 Cent and Febreze®? Snoop Dogg and Eukanuba®? Ghostface Killah and Ghost®? Lil Wayne & Pampers®?)

The Alpha & Omega of Over-reaching

• God’s chosen racing team loses at the Indy 500
• “Pope’s Cologne Provides Solace to Grieving Widow”
• “Can Batman Teach Spiritual Truth?”
• Email service lets you taunt friends after The Rapture
• McDonalds compares Ray Kroc to Martin Luther King Jr.

Product Failure

• LifeLock ID protection service fails to protect CEO’s identity
• Anti-shark device found to attract sharks

The Penguins Of Irony “Oh NO You Din’t” Awards

• Publisher says bankruptcy puts magazine chain in “a position poised for wonderful growth
• WaMu continues to send credit card offers after going out of business

Previous years’ lists

• Top 10 from 2007
• Dozen Dumbest Press Releases from 2006
• 10 Dumbest Business Quotes from 2006

CONFIRMED!!!! A bad press release!!!

Zoo Atlanta wants there to be no doubt that they’ve got an important knocked-up panda on their hands — that’s why they doubly confirmed it in a release announcing the pregnancy of 11-year-old giant panda Lun Lun:

The confirmation of today’s ultrasound is a confirmed indication that birth is eminent!!!

OK, it would be far too easy and cheap a joke to say that only in Atlanta is a pregnant 11 year-old viewed as a good thing. So I am not going to make that joke. Nope. Won’t do it.

In addition to finding out that a panda birth is eminent, the release also contained this nugget of information:

In late July, Lun Lun began demonstrating a sharp decrease in appetite, followed by lethargy, somnolence and withdrawn behavior – all normal and expected patterns for a female giant panda experiencing either pregnancy or pseudopregnancy.

Also normal and expected patterns for 45-year-old bloggers before their first cup of coffee.

Many thanks to devoted reader isisinator for sending this along. If you should come across any impressively bad press releases please send them to cvon ((at)) areporter ((DOT)) com.

For another beaut check out this one that my ol’ buddy Rob found. It starts: In the newly released benchmark report, Application Security: Protect Sensitive Data while Improving Compliance, Aberdeen Group, a Harte-Hanks Company (NYSE:HHS), found that on average, Best-in-Class organizations …

and that’s just the first half of the first sentence.

Press release of the day: “Warning — Romantic Apathy Runs Rampant Among Christians”

It’s everywhere! You read the blogs, see report after report… Romantic Apathy is running rampant and it’s affecting Christian relationships all over the world. It’s bursting through on televisions, creeping in by email, and now, cell phones make it even easier to whisper words of love without ever having to look into each others eyes.

Noticing the trend, Guy Bickel, the originator of a unique Christian CD for romantic enlightenment entitled The Original Love Song, references a recent blog article entitled ‘Romance in the Age of Irony’, where Urban Survivor writes: “Love in the 21st Century is a joke… it’s a punch line in a sitcom. It’s an e-mail with a lame smiley face in place of an original phrase. It’s a hasty text message (LUV U) with a hieroglyph where your heart ought to be.”

Romance In The Age Of Irony doesn’t stand a chance against Making Money During Romance In The Age Of Irony.

BTW, I am starting an effort to amend the constitution to raise the age of irony to 40.

Press release of the day: “Film Sets New Christian Comedy Trend”

Back in the immoral age of comics, Christian comedians seemed out of place in any other venue besides a church.

Some would argue that the only thing that goes on in a church is comedy, but that would be going for the cheap laugh and I would never do that.

Or how about: “Three comedians walk into a church. Only one of them knows he’s a comedian.”

Aren’t all comedians Immoral? (“deliberately violating accepted principles of right and wrong“)  The basic job definition is holding up a fun-house mirror to society & letting people consider ideas that they would never think of otherwise.

It would be hard to come up with a bigger violation of currently accepted principles of right and wrong than humbly pursuing your faith, loving your God and your fellow man even over the pursuit of material gain. Thus Christianity can be pretty damn immoral. When the late Mr. Carlin went on about the seven dirty words that you can’t say on television he was making a point about the unpleasantness of swearing serving to distract us from the true obscenities of the world like poverty, war, bigotry. For me that’s a very Christian message.

I actually have a bunch of God related material in my act. “Two phrases I hate: ‘person of faith’ and ‘faith-based organization.’ Please do not insult my belief that way. Cubs fans are a people of faith and support a faith-based organization. Me, I believe in God.” (The way things are going I’m going to have another patsy organization. GM? The Knicks? The Fed?)

In case you were wondering what the hell: “Enter Ron Pearson, a Christian who is explicit about his faith yet is one of the top secular comics in the business. … Pearson’s latest project, Apostles of Comedy; The Movie, is a masterpiece that’s sure to set a new trend in both the Christian and secular comedy world. The film fuses 4 award – winning comedians that spotlights not only the quirks but explores their private lives as they share their journeys of love, faith, hope and forgiveness. You’ll see famed comedians Pearson, Anthony Griffith, Brad Stine and Jeff Allen as you’ve never seen them.”

“As you’ve never seen them?” Well, that’s setting the bar pretty low. How about as you’ve never heard of them?

And just FYI: Bob Newhart is GOD!

Punk god illustration by George Coghill.

Press release of the day: “Pope’s Cologne Provides Solace to Grieving Widow”

Found at the ChristianNewsWire — where satirist’s prayers are answered.

Shortly after Mother’s Day I received the following letter from a lady in Florida who had purchased The Pope’s Cologne for gifts. I felt strangely and deeply touched by it and debated about sharing its’ content.* I decided that I should. I think that you will see what I mean. This is the letter:

Dear Dr. Hass,
I needed to give you the feedback I got from “The Pope’s Cologne”. I ordered two dozen (24) to give out as gifts on Mothers Day. I came up with the idea after your interview at the “Sunday Morning” show, since my mother is a devoted Roman Catholic, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate gift for her and the rest of the mothers. We all had brunch that Sunday, 6 mothers in total, and I placed the colognes on each one of the mothers place seating. My mother was speechless and very grateful for the cologne and immediately opened it and placed a few drops on her forehead (as she was making the sign of the cross) and behind her wrist. She said; “it has a delicious and peaceful fragrance to it, I love it, very unique” and she proceeded to rub the small bottle as if it had magical powers. Through out the Brunch she was inhaling the aroma from her wrist and you could see in her eyes how much she enjoyed it.

A few minutes before the brunch ended we got the bad news that a friend of my parents for over 50 years had just died. He was struggling with cancer but did not win the battle, he was 76 years old. The following morning we assisted the wake and as my mother hugged his widow she mentioned how pleasant her fragrance was. My mom proceeded to explain to her that it was a mother’s day gift given to her by one of her daughters. His widow expressed a feeling of peace and comfort as she was hugging my mom, and that it was the fragrance that made her feel this way.

My mom tells me with tears in her eyes the widows comment and if she only knew the cologne was going to have this effect on her, she would have brought hers to passed it on to the widow. I remembered I had extra colognes in my car and I gave my mom one to give to her.

What I experienced later will be a sight I will never forget!!! The widow used the cologne to “anoint” her husband EVERY 20 minutes. She would sprinkle it on his hands, his head, his forehead, and his neck. You could see in her eyes she had found a way of redemption through the cologne. Everyone was asking about the cologne and its origin. Everyone that came in to give her their condolences could not stop asking about the pleasant aroma they were experiencing. Everyone was quiet and in awe for hours. She also kept on rubbing the bottle as if it was some sort of amulet or charm.

My mother called her this morning to see how she was doing. She said: “I am at peace and calm because every time I smell the cologne I remember his life not his death….Thank you for such an amazing gesture of God….!!!”

I am sure you Never expected your cologne to touch so many people in soooooo many different ways.

Thank you

Alejandra Lamas

www.thepopescologne.com

At last we have an answer to What Would Jesus Spritz? $156 for a dozen 2 oz. bottles.

*Why do I have my doubts as to the length of the debate over using this letter?)

Press release of the day: “Text Messaging God”

Tech support at any wireless phone company will tell you that the preferred set-up option to receive text messages is “Always On” rather than “When Needed.” Pastor Robert R. Cushman has found that our communication with God should be “Always On” too. In his new book, “What If You Pray? Experiencing the Reality of Prayer,” Pastor Cushman …

Putting the G in OMG.

Is God on Verizon or T-Mobile?

Also begs the weighty theological question: Who does God turn to for tech support?

Press release of the day: “Computer *Retards* Make Money With Breakthrough Home Business Marketing System”

Frustrated and humiliated Home Business owners who are sick and tired of chasing their tail, trying to find customers, getting hung up on, and being rejected in a desperate effort to earn a buck, are discovering a newer and easier way to market. Instead, using a revolutionary marketing system that combines psychology, technology, and the very latest changes in buyer behaviour, these entrepreneurs are now simply flipping a switch and collecting prospects, customers, and profits automatically.

Because nothing says use my service like a gratuitous insult of the less advantaged.

(And 2008 is already off to a great start!)

5 Worst Press Releases of 2007

1. You do what? BAAGZ, from the French Web and enterprise search company Exalead , is a new search and collaboration system, still in beta, that applies Web 2.0 features to social networking. While the idea of using search topics and vetted results as nodes around which dynamic topical networks could form is interesting, the current early beta implementation gives just a hint of what may be possible.
2. Most baffling attempt to cash in on a tragedy: With all the bad news about contaminated pet food, there’s actually some good news in the pet industry! Not only is going environmentally green a hot topic in real estate right now, but the 38-BILLION DOLLAR pet industry is also seeing a surge in companies going green too. (Italics added)
3. Reads like it was translated from another language by Babelfish: Who is the first one to come running full speed ahead when you get home from work ˆ well if you are a blessed pet owner ˆ you know the feeling! With both hearts racing with happiness ˆ gone are your workday worries and now it’s time to relax at home sweet home and put together a masterpiece! Art Casso Pet Painting Kits are a great reward to allow you both to creatively express through art and don’t forget to get inspired from the lovely Pet Art By Kate that’s already hanging on the wall. PAWSitive Expressions for you and your Pet to Enjoy with Pup-Casso & Kitty-Casso painting kits or Pet Art By Kate! Give the gift of Pup-Casso & Kitty-Casso and you’ll be known as the “cat’s meow.” World’s first no mess ˆ non toxic, paint kit for pets just awarded 2nd Place at the Global Pet Expo! Is your pet the next “Mutt-isse” or “Leonardo DaKitty”? You and your pet will create a masterpiece you will cherish forever! Transform your artwork into professionally made gifts you and your pet can share & wear. They’re fun, creative, and stimulating. (All typos are from the original.)
4. Headline least likely to make me keep reading: PQ Media Expects Political Spending Splurge in 2008
5. Next time let’s leave Jesus out of this: Has Jesus returned as a phone? Landor brand expert available to comment on Apple’s iPhone The iPhone has risen! One of the most anticipated products of 2007, the Apple iPhone – sometimes referred to by bloggers as the Jesus phone for its “savior status” – will hit store shelves on June 29th.

And a bonus — Most Indecipherable Mission Statement:

• Zimbra is the leader in open source, next-generation collaboration and messaging software. We provide innovative experiences to end-users and their administrators because we see existing tools are fundamentally broken. We also believe in compatibility with existing infrastructure and applications (both open source and proprietary). Apparently writing jargon doesn’t hurt the bottom line: In September Yahoo! paid $350M for Zimbra.

Press release of the day: “PQ Media Expects Political Spending Splurge in 2008”

Wow, way to go out on a limb. I never would have guessed that. This is just one of the insights available for $695 in the report PQ Media’s Political Media Buying 2008: Preliminary Forecast Analysis

PQ Media’s motto: “We stay ahead of the curve to keep you ahead of the curve”

Press release of the day: Has Jesus returned as a phone? Landor brand expert available to comment on Apple’s iPhone

“The iPhone has risen! One of the most anticipated products of 2007, the Apple iPhone – sometimes referred to by bloggers as the Jesus phone for its “savior status” – will hit store shelves on June 29th.”

Sorry, I don’t mix religion and phone service. Except when I pray that it works.

Press release over-reach of the day

With all the bad news about contaminated pet food, there’s actually some good news in the pet industry! Not only is going environmentally green a hot topic in real estate right now, but the 38-BILLION DOLLAR pet industry is also seeing a surge in companies going green too.

I LOVE THIS TRANSITION!!!: “Not only is going environmentally green a hot topic in real estate right now…” Has nothing to do with anything else in the release.

And it gets better…

We have some amazing companies we’d love for you to consider interviewing for a story on the trendsetting topic

Kathy Santos Training Aids
Martha Stewart and House Beautiful Magazine’s top pet expert, Kathy Santos, has just created the solution for stressed dogs everywhere. Santos has just released line of natural, organic, and environmentally safe products which prevent behavioral problems. Relieve De Stress helps pets deal with anxiety related (but not limited) to: traveling, separation, thunderstorms, grooming, vet visits, moving & owner’s mood swings. And, Don’t Chew Dare: “helps your dog help himself” with destructive chewing! A few drops in water, by mouth or in food, will ensure that your dog has a “drama free day”.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness … or was it animal stress? And what’s the environmental angle on this again?

Poop Pouch
It helps protect the environment and your nose! NEVER CARRY DOG POOP AGAIN! The POOP POUCH for the POOCH attaches directly onto your dog’s standard or retractable leash, and carries the dog poop for you! No more smell, mess or unsightliness with the POOP POUCH!

Yea, at my house we call it a plastic bag.

Eve Envy
Eye Envy safely removes unsightly tear stains from pets. Stains are removed (typically within one week). Product contains NO bleach, peroxide or steroids.

Removes unsightly tear stains from pets? Removes unsightly tear stains from pets? This is a real problem to someone?

GET SERiOUS!
Re-soiling has become the #1 reason pets are placed in shelters today and GET SERiOUS! Stain, Odor & Pheromone Extractor is the ONLY cleaner with the ability to lift out and forever remove the pheromone scent plus the associated stain and odor, so pets aren’t attracted back to the scene of the crime! Cleans in 3 minutes! It’s safe, non-toxic and biodegradable! http://www.getseriousproducts.com

Anyone know what re-soiling is?

Special thanks to the great folks at Orca Communications. Keep up the good work gang!