Soldiers say Purell© is their own personal napalm

No one loves discovering new uses for an existing product more than consumer packaged goods companies like Unilever, and P&G. “It’s not just a floor polisher, IT’S A DESERT TOPPING!” Even so, I doubt Johnson & Johnson is going to make a lot out of a new way to use Purell©. At the great blog Kit Up, where military folk swap ideas on all sorts of gadgets to use in the field, one writer suggests applying a match to

the waterless hand cleaner gel that every grunt should be carrying. I love playing with that stuff.  It puts out a blue/clear flame (read extremely hot) and it is a gel, so handles well.  Put that in the middle of your tinder and you are good to go.

While a good reliable fire-starter is a must have for our servicemen and women it should be noted that, as seen below, they are exploring other possible uses for the substance – which is 62% alcohol.

Judging by the above (and other evidence on YouTube) actually setting your hands on fire with Purell© seems to be “relatively” “safe.” However, this phenomenon has actually sparked an urban myth. Snopes rebuts a legend that some worker suffered severe burns on his hands when he lit a cigarette after using a “hand sanitizer product.” J&J media is quoted as saying that incident is “not something they would expect to happen with their product” – which is definitely not a denial that it could happen. Although it evaporates so fast on skin I think it almost requires the intentional and quick application of fire to get a reaction.

Wonder why the TSA allows the stuff on airplanes? Snopes points to a 1998 FAA study that reports hand sanitizers are difficult to ignite and relatively easy to extinguish. To which both Snopes and the US Military might respond: “What brand are you using?”

(For those of you wondering – it’s not all that hard to create actual napalm. Just mix Ivory Snow (or other soaps) and gasoline in the right proportions and VOILA you’ve got it.)

Douglas Adams right again: Lack of phone sanitizers will doom planet

As you doubtlessly remember, somewhere in the Hitchhiker’s Guide series Mr. Adams told the story of the The Golgafrinchans, a race of people who sent their Telephone Sanitizer population away. The Sanitizers were sent along with another third of the planet’s population who were also deemed useless to form a colony on a remote planet (Earth as it happens). Of course, the remaining Golgafrinchan population was then wiped out by a virulent disease contracted via unsanitary telephones.

Researchers have now confirmed Mr. A’s prophecy, finding that the phone is indeed a key spreader of germs. According to Charles Gerba, a microbiologist and clean water expert at the University of Arizona, it’s telephones and computer keyboards that are among the most germ laden spots in any home, not the usual suspects.

"Doorknobs are usually on the low side," said Gerba, who has conducted dozens of surveys of bacteria and viruses in workplaces and homes. "I guess they are not moist. Never fear a doorknob."

Words to live by: Never fear a doorknob.

The best way to combat this is by carrying your own phone and keyboard with you at all times. And wash your hands compulsively. Howard Hughes did and lived to a ripe old age. It’s physical hygiene, not mental hygiene that counts folks.

“But wait,” you say. “Won’t I look like a dork if I’m continually washing my hands or using one of those instant hand washing lotions that come in such clearly un-cool bottles?” Never fear! (Especially not doorknobs!) Corporate America is there for you.

bottleGojo has created the “PURELL® FST™ MILITARY BOTTLE A FISTFUL OF PROTECTION IN THE WAR ON GERMS.” And what could be cooler than that?

"The 3 fl oz. PURELL® FST Military Bottle is the ideal solution for military personnel to use, wherever their mission takes them. In as little as 15 seconds, PURELL® Instant Hand Sanitizer kills 99.99% of most common germs that may cause illness."

In other words, it’s Purell® in an olive drab plastic bottle. My homeland is feeling more secure already.

“But wait again,” you say. “Surely such an important breakthrough in personal hygiene is restricted to the use of the men and women in our Armed Services?!?!” No, now YOU TOO can enjoy this product in the privacy of your own home.

The Betty Mills Company, one of America's leading suppliers of janitorial and office products (like you didn’t know) now has for sale

“the PURELL® FST™ Military Bottle, a novel product package that has never been available to the American public before. … For a limited time only, The Betty Mills Co. offers two free bottles of PURELL® Instant Hand Sanitizer FST™ Military Bottle with ANY website order of $149 or more. The PURELL® Instant Hand Sanitizer FST™ Military Bottle is also available for purchase by the case of 12 units.”

“But wait yet again,” you say (don’t you ever shut up?). “What if our foes in the War On Terror®™ were to get this? Are there any safeguards in place to make sure that they don’t get access to the instant hand sanitizer that is helping our military stay healthy and mission ready?”

Sadly, no security measures whatsoever are in place. We’re all gonna die.