I hope you don’t see an ad more offensive than this today

The always-brilliant website Sociological Images found this appalling ad for an Australian “luxury” real estate development. My first response after “This has got to be a hoax,” was how unsafe these places are when you have a resident scared out of her wits tied to a chair and calling the cops. This doesn’t make me want to live there, it makes me want to live anywhere BUT there.

Nothing says great living quite like the threat of rape.

Cute is the hot trend in self-defense gadgets

The phrase “stunning lipstick” is now literally true. Women (and men who are very secure in their self-image) can now carry this wonderful little number that combines a flashlight and 350,000 volts of self-protection. OK, is it just me or is the possibility of a self-inflicted injury pretty impressive here? BTW, if stun guns aren’t your thing, you can also get knives and pepper spray in lipstick-shaped containers. (A more stylish selection of lipstick stun guns can be found here, if you think the ones at right are too plain to show to any potential muggers.)

If you don’t mind that it’s ugly as all get out, you can wear a ring/pepper spray combo. And if someone tells you they think it’s unattractive … well I know one way to win that argument.

The cell phone is another popular shape when it comes to disguising personal protection implements. Again, I have to wonder why Mr. Bad Guy would allow you to grab your cell phone, but if that’s what people are comfortable carrying then I am all in favor of it.

One of the best ways to make sure you don’t have to use gadgets like these is to make it obvious that you are carrying these items. In the past this has meant choosing function over form and strapping something in basic black to your side. Fortunately this is no longer the case. Now, you can combine whimsy and a true drop-dead attitude with this leopard-skin print Taser. Have to say I was a bit disappointed to see that the Taser holster is still only available in basic black.

However should that not be nearly cute enough for you (where’s Hello Kitty when you need her?), there is always the Don’t touch Me! Lovely Pink Seal Stun Gun Lovely Taser Weapon! Gotta warn you though, with only 195 volts of shocking power (I think) you’re giving up a lot for the cuteness factor.

But, as they say, that’s not all. There’s also a very cute pink camo pepper-spray holder. (Which I suppose you could also use to hold actual lipstick.)

“Oh dear! Mr. Collateral Damage,” you may ask, “what do I do if I am going to a more formal event?” Have no fear my dear, the invisible hand of the marketplace is there to help you keep someone else’s visible hands to himself AND look good with diamonds or pearls. The wonderfully named PepperFace sells all sorts of glam pepper spray dispensers adorned with actual authentic Swarovski crystals.

Stun guns and pepper-dispensers come in all sort of less, well, girly shapes as well. For dual functionality nothing can top the old stun gun and flashlight combo as far as I’m concerned. Although I’ve always preferred the basic MagLite with six D cells. It’s a flashlight AND a giant honkin’ piece of metal that you can whack someone with. No worrying about whether the little electronic doohickies made contact with that. However, I now know of something that would be more effective — the combination flashlight AND sharp pointy stick! This is called a “tactical flashlight” and the one that caught my eye promises, “Unlike ordinary tactical lights with crenellated bezel that can often inflict unnecessary harms to oneself, K2 features sharpened spikes around the bezel that protrude outward only when the spike protector is lowered. With the spikes protected when not needed, the fast turn threading allows the rapid retraction of the spike protector. These spikes are sharpened far more than those ordinary crenellated bezel light.

The one drawback with this as far as I’m concerned is that it doesn’t come in a version big enough to house six D cell batteries. Nor does it come in pink. C’mon invisible hand of the marketplace, a need is going unmet!

Put down the celery and come out with your hands up: Footie club warns of vegetable threat

In what has to be the oddest security precaution ever, UK soccer team “Chelsea warned their fans on Friday against throwing celery during matches, saying it was a criminal offence and that anyone caught lobbing the popular salad vegetable could be banned.

The quotes only get better, of course.

The UK Football Association said in a release:

“The throwing of anything at a football match, including celery, is a criminal offence for which you can be arrested and end up with a criminal record. In future, if anyone is found attempting to bring celery into Stamford Bridge they could be refused entry and anyone caught throwing celery will face a ban.”

While the incidents of assault with a deadly-yet-nutritious vegetable are recent, celery has been stalking the team for more than 20 years (sorry, I couldn’t resist). That’s how long fans have been fans pelting each other with the stuff as well as singing what Reuters calls “an unprintable song about the vegetable.”

Actually it’s a chant. And quite printable:

“Celery! Celery! Well if she don’t come I’ll tickle her bum with a lump of celery”

While this is an odd tradition, it is certainly less odd than the Cub’s tradition of going at least a century between championships.