Headline of the day: Teacher OK after crashing into bear on a bicycle

How the bear got onto the bicycle, I’ll never know.

cf: Marx, Groucho: “I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.”

I am chagrined to see that this is my first ever Groucho reference here at Collateral Damage. I apologize to my readers and promise to do better in the future.

PS:  Walt Kelly’s birthday was last month and I forgot to mention it. Again, my apologies. Why is it this book title never goes out of date?

Headline of the day: “God accused of selling cocaine near Tampa church”

Speaking as a former headline writer — WHERE WAS THIS STORY WHEN I NEEDED IT?

TAMPA, Fla. – Police say a man named God was arrested near a Tampa church for selling cocaine. Authorities began investigating God Lucky Howard in April, and he was arrested on Saturday. Police say he sold the cocaine to undercover detectives in his neighborhood. When officers searched his home, they reported finding another 22 grams of cocaine and a scale.

Well, I think he wasn’t God and I know he wasn’t Lucky. He probably wasn’t Howard, either.

Runner up for headline of the day: Sports bra saves US hiker in German Alp

Berchtesgaden police officer Lorenz Rasp said that he helped lift 24-year-old Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado state to safety by helicopter on Thursday after she attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain.

QUICK, someone get the brand of that bra!

Headline of the Day: Oil companies get OK to annoy bears

What are they going to do, set up ursine telemarketing centers? Send pollsters around to their caves when they’re hibernating?

Maybe they’ll just charge them $4+ a gallon for gas.

I’m not much of an outdoorsman, to understate the case wildly, but I was under the impression that if you annoyed a bear it’s not the bear who will have the problem.

Headline of the Day: First offseason pomegranates arrive in NYC

This AP story reads like a press release.

NEW YORK – Until recently, America’s pomegranate lovers could indulge their passion for its ruby red seeds for less than half the year. Now, the trendy fresh fruit that’s packed with health benefits will be available in the United States year-round.

File under: Some PR Person just did their job and some reporter/editor didn’t do theirs.

Headline of the Day: “British vote on wax prime minister”

Easy jokes:

  1. Actually I’ve always thought of him as wooden.
  2. Couldn’t be worse than the one they’ve got.

Sadly for Mr. Brown and happily for anyone with a sense of humor the truth is even funnier.

Embattled Prime Minister Gordon Brown faces more potential poll humiliation — as Madame Tussauds waxwork museum said Tuesday opened a vote on whether they should bother making a model of him.

Quick, name an English-speaking country that actually likes its leader. … Hmmm, I’m stumped too. Maybe Canadia? They speak English, don’t they?

Some leaders are actually seeing their wax popularity waxing and not waning. The St. Petersburg Wax Museum says the public is not content with its small model of Dmitry Medvedev, Russia’s newly installed ventriloquist-dummy-in-chief. Apparently the people want a three-dimensional version. Should this come to pass, it will mean the museum’s version has more depth than the person it is based on.

Headline of the Day: “Man used hedgehog as weapon”

A dangerous weapon WELLINGTON, New Zealand – A New Zealand man has been accused of assault with prickly weapon — a hedgehog. Police allege that William Singalargh picked up the hedgehog and threw it several yards to hit a 15-year-old boy in the North Island east coast town of Whakatane on Feb. 9.

Runner up: Woman slips boa constrictor down her pants and walks away

LANSING, Mich. (AP) – A woman stole a boa constrictor from a pet store by slipping the snake down her pants, the owner said. The animal was stolen Thursday afternoon from Preuss Animal House in Lansing.

You can take this penis envy thing too far …

Headline of the Day: “Rain threatens Russian doomsday cult’s bunker”

Must be an interesting moment for the cultists. What happens if they die before doomsday?

Tom Lehrer: “I feel like a Christian Scientist with appendicitis.”

UPDATE: “Doomsday cult calls credit cards satanic” Y’know, they’re not as crazy as I thought they were.

Headline of the Day: “Crucifixion can be bad for your health”

Headline of the day: “Man Gets Probation in Pickle Assault”

“The fact that it’s silly doesn’t mean that it’s not serious.”– Berrien, MI, Trial Court Judge Scott Schofield sentencing Bobby Bolen to time served and 1 year of probation for assaulting two people.

The assault happened after Bolen helped himself to some pickles in an Jody Lee’s refrigerator. According to police, Lee then ” told Bolen he couldn’t afford to feed everyone and not to eat his pickles.”

Later, Bolen barged back into the house and got into an argument with Lee. Lee told police Bolen slammed him down on the couch and threw two large pickles at him and said, “Here’s your damn pickles.”

Another person at the scene was also assaulted. Defense attorney Robert Lutz said alcohol appeared to be at the root of Bolen’s problems.

Personally, I blame the pickles.

Someone get the brand of that pickle. “Pickles worth fighting over.” Now that’s a slogan.

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