Press release of the day: “Pope’s Cologne Provides Solace to Grieving Widow”

Found at the ChristianNewsWire — where satirist’s prayers are answered.

Shortly after Mother’s Day I received the following letter from a lady in Florida who had purchased The Pope’s Cologne for gifts. I felt strangely and deeply touched by it and debated about sharing its’ content.* I decided that I should. I think that you will see what I mean. This is the letter:

Dear Dr. Hass,
I needed to give you the feedback I got from “The Pope’s Cologne”. I ordered two dozen (24) to give out as gifts on Mothers Day. I came up with the idea after your interview at the “Sunday Morning” show, since my mother is a devoted Roman Catholic, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate gift for her and the rest of the mothers. We all had brunch that Sunday, 6 mothers in total, and I placed the colognes on each one of the mothers place seating. My mother was speechless and very grateful for the cologne and immediately opened it and placed a few drops on her forehead (as she was making the sign of the cross) and behind her wrist. She said; “it has a delicious and peaceful fragrance to it, I love it, very unique” and she proceeded to rub the small bottle as if it had magical powers. Through out the Brunch she was inhaling the aroma from her wrist and you could see in her eyes how much she enjoyed it.

A few minutes before the brunch ended we got the bad news that a friend of my parents for over 50 years had just died. He was struggling with cancer but did not win the battle, he was 76 years old. The following morning we assisted the wake and as my mother hugged his widow she mentioned how pleasant her fragrance was. My mom proceeded to explain to her that it was a mother’s day gift given to her by one of her daughters. His widow expressed a feeling of peace and comfort as she was hugging my mom, and that it was the fragrance that made her feel this way.

My mom tells me with tears in her eyes the widows comment and if she only knew the cologne was going to have this effect on her, she would have brought hers to passed it on to the widow. I remembered I had extra colognes in my car and I gave my mom one to give to her.

What I experienced later will be a sight I will never forget!!! The widow used the cologne to “anoint” her husband EVERY 20 minutes. She would sprinkle it on his hands, his head, his forehead, and his neck. You could see in her eyes she had found a way of redemption through the cologne. Everyone was asking about the cologne and its origin. Everyone that came in to give her their condolences could not stop asking about the pleasant aroma they were experiencing. Everyone was quiet and in awe for hours. She also kept on rubbing the bottle as if it was some sort of amulet or charm.

My mother called her this morning to see how she was doing. She said: “I am at peace and calm because every time I smell the cologne I remember his life not his death….Thank you for such an amazing gesture of God….!!!”

I am sure you Never expected your cologne to touch so many people in soooooo many different ways.

Thank you

Alejandra Lamas

www.thepopescologne.com

At last we have an answer to What Would Jesus Spritz? $156 for a dozen 2 oz. bottles.

*Why do I have my doubts as to the length of the debate over using this letter?)

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Press release of the day: “Computer *Retards* Make Money With Breakthrough Home Business Marketing System”

Frustrated and humiliated Home Business owners who are sick and tired of chasing their tail, trying to find customers, getting hung up on, and being rejected in a desperate effort to earn a buck, are discovering a newer and easier way to market. Instead, using a revolutionary marketing system that combines psychology, technology, and the very latest changes in buyer behaviour, these entrepreneurs are now simply flipping a switch and collecting prospects, customers, and profits automatically.

Because nothing says use my service like a gratuitous insult of the less advantaged.

(And 2008 is already off to a great start!)

5 Worst Press Releases of 2007

1. You do what? BAAGZ, from the French Web and enterprise search company Exalead , is a new search and collaboration system, still in beta, that applies Web 2.0 features to social networking. While the idea of using search topics and vetted results as nodes around which dynamic topical networks could form is interesting, the current early beta implementation gives just a hint of what may be possible.
2. Most baffling attempt to cash in on a tragedy: With all the bad news about contaminated pet food, there’s actually some good news in the pet industry! Not only is going environmentally green a hot topic in real estate right now, but the 38-BILLION DOLLAR pet industry is also seeing a surge in companies going green too. (Italics added)
3. Reads like it was translated from another language by Babelfish: Who is the first one to come running full speed ahead when you get home from work ˆ well if you are a blessed pet owner ˆ you know the feeling! With both hearts racing with happiness ˆ gone are your workday worries and now it’s time to relax at home sweet home and put together a masterpiece! Art Casso Pet Painting Kits are a great reward to allow you both to creatively express through art and don’t forget to get inspired from the lovely Pet Art By Kate that’s already hanging on the wall. PAWSitive Expressions for you and your Pet to Enjoy with Pup-Casso & Kitty-Casso painting kits or Pet Art By Kate! Give the gift of Pup-Casso & Kitty-Casso and you’ll be known as the “cat’s meow.” World’s first no mess ˆ non toxic, paint kit for pets just awarded 2nd Place at the Global Pet Expo! Is your pet the next “Mutt-isse” or “Leonardo DaKitty”? You and your pet will create a masterpiece you will cherish forever! Transform your artwork into professionally made gifts you and your pet can share & wear. They’re fun, creative, and stimulating. (All typos are from the original.)
4. Headline least likely to make me keep reading: PQ Media Expects Political Spending Splurge in 2008
5. Next time let’s leave Jesus out of this: Has Jesus returned as a phone? Landor brand expert available to comment on Apple’s iPhone The iPhone has risen! One of the most anticipated products of 2007, the Apple iPhone – sometimes referred to by bloggers as the Jesus phone for its “savior status” – will hit store shelves on June 29th.

And a bonus — Most Indecipherable Mission Statement:

• Zimbra is the leader in open source, next-generation collaboration and messaging software. We provide innovative experiences to end-users and their administrators because we see existing tools are fundamentally broken. We also believe in compatibility with existing infrastructure and applications (both open source and proprietary). Apparently writing jargon doesn’t hurt the bottom line: In September Yahoo! paid $350M for Zimbra.